The cool heart

One of the things that Tony and I train people in is negotiation.  I know the theory.  I also know that it’s hard always to put it into practice in my personal life, especially if it’s in the context of a conversation with someone close to me, on a topic I feel strongly about.  I sometimes get it wrong, passionately arguing my case, in the mistaken belief that this is what persuades people to change.  And yet I know that all the research tells me this is precisely what I shouldn’t do if I want to influence people.

I’m working at following the rules, which are so simple.

1. Don’t react

When somebody says or does something that offends you, or with which you disagree, take a moment.  A friend, who was dealing with erratic and unreasonable behaviour from his wife, told me that a wise old friend had taught him the idea of the “cool heart” – that is remaining calm, even perhaps slightly detached, while the other person rants and raves.  It’s hard, and takes practice and patience, especially when the unreasonable party finds your not being drawn into an argument further grounds for taking offence.  But he tells me that his cool heart has worked for him and, I think, has saved his marriage.  It’s natural to want to hit back when we feel ourselves, or principles we hold dear, are under attack.  I can sense the adrenaline rising when I think back to times when I’ve had to deal with unreasonable behaviour or demands, yet I know that the times I’ve dealt with things best have been those when I’ve stayed calm and managed my reaction.

2. Create space

Even one deep breath is sometimes all that is needed to give you the space to find a constructive way through.  It allows you to gather your thoughts and to come into the present.  If you can take two or three deep breaths, all the better.  You will start to feel the adrenaline subside, which puts you in a better position to continue your conversation.

3. Reflect the other person’s emotions to them

This is an old trick that Tony used to use to calm people down when he was in the police.  Saying “you seem very angry about that” is a wonderful way of defusing anger.   Try it next time someone has a go at you, or has a diatribe in your presence.

4. Ask questions

This is the key to finding agreement.  You’ve got to find out what is below the surface issues you’re dealing with.  To do this, you need to really listen.  Your tone of voice, as much as your words, is important here.  I find asking “what is it that really concerns you?” helps in this context.  Once you’ve had your first answer, keep on asking more to get to the bottom of whatever the issue is.  The most powerful final question is “is there anything else?”  This really helps the other person to feel that they’ve been listened to and understood.

5. Seek compromise

It’s become a bit of a cliché to talk about win-win situations, but this should be the goal of all negotiation, whether it’s about what time your kids come home in the evening or ridding the world of nuclear weapons.  If you’ve understood the other person’s interests, you can work on finding the common ground between you.

I know the theory of this.  I try my best to put it into practice, some times with more success than others.  May we all find the way of the cool heart, and realise the power that comes from seeking understanding, rather than asserting our version of the truth.

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You're so annoying

I was mightily relieved that government proposals to outlaw conduct “capable of causing nuisance or annoyance to any person” have now been dropped.  Different people find different things annoying.  I may find chart music irritating and appreciate contemporary art.  Others will be the opposite.  I value living in a democracy that has space for Britain's Got Talent (annoying, for me), and Damien Hurst (good, for me).

But the debate got me thinking about my threshold for annoyance, and how I should react to things that get my goat.

I subscribe to the idea that we can create a gap between the thing that prompts our irritation, and our reaction to it.  This may be a lifetime’s work, but it should be possible not to get annoyed, no matter the provocation.

This doesn’t mean pretending I’m not annoyed when I plainly am.  It’s about taking a split second, that gap, to see that I’m getting wound up, recognise this, and in a way step outside it, look in, and say to myself: “there’s Adam getting wound up”.  This then takes my attention off the annoyance and brings me back to the present.  Which is where we need to be.

My belief that this is the right thing to do comes from my observation of the consequences of words and actions that arise from annoyance; they rarely promote harmony, and all too often lead to clashes.  They may be understandable, but they aren’t constructive.  But more importantly, getting annoyed just costs me too much energy.

This is a hard path to take, and those closest to me will know that I don’t always follow it, but it’s where I’d like to go.  Perhaps if more of us chose it, the question as to whether we need laws to protect us from annoyance wouldn’t even arise.

Tips for overcoming annoyance

1. Observe your reaction

The moment you look at yourself, rather than the cause of your annoyance, you break its power over you.  Say to yourself, “I can see I’m getting annoyed”.

2. Laugh at it

I have a tendency towards earnestness, which can lead to me getting upset.  The best way to make sure this doesn’t happen is to find myself amusing.  Don’t take yourself too seriously.

3. Recognise that this too will pass

A whining child, someone whose politics you disagree with, an oaf or a bore.  The experience of these can try you.  But, they will pass.  And you move on.  It’s under your control.

4. Create space

If someone is talking noisily on their mobile phone in your vicinity, and it’s annoying you, just move away.  Change carriages if you’re on a train, and then let it go.  Don’t, for their sake, burden the person you’re about to meet with a rant about it later.  That will do neither you, nor they any good.  And it certainly won’t affect that git with the phone.

5. Be kind to yourself

If you do find yourself getting annoyed, it’s not the end of the world.  Accept that this is what’s happened, let it go and move on.  With practice it becomes easier.

So I thank the House of Lords for throwing out this proposed piece of legislation.  Perhaps I should also thank the politicians who suggested it.  My reaction prompted me to think.  I hope you don’t find my musings annoying!

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Spoilt for choice, spoiled by choice

Over the last few years Tony and I have spent a lot of time in hotels.  We’ve run training courses and conferences from Hanoi to Washington DC.  Many of the hotels we stay at offer self-service buffets.  At times I find the array of food on offer to be overwhelming.  I am prone to thinking that perhaps I’ve not made the right choice – that something else may be better than what I’ve got on my plate.  This is so unhelpful – it detracts from the enjoyment of whatever it is I’m eating right in front of me, when I’m wondering what the fare I’ve left back on the buffet may be like.

My challenge at a meal with so many choices is to believe in those I make, and trust that they are the right ones.  In fact, whether or not they are right choices is immaterial: they’re the ones I’ve made.  I try to focus on what I’m eating, taste it, smell it, enjoy it; and bring my thoughts back to these senses when my mind wanders to the other distant tasty morsels on offer.

Life is like this too.  We all have an array of choices, yet at any given time, the reality of what we’re doing at that instant is all we have.  It’s unhelpful to wonder “what if?”.  Fantasising about how our life might be had we chosen different paths may be interesting; but it’s ultimately futile.  When you’re tempted to think about how green that proverbial grass might be on the other side, it’s time to take notice, accept, and, if possible, rejoice in where you are now.  The present is the only reality we really have.  Make the most of it, and when life’s buffet beckons, don't be spoiled by choice.

Tips for being happier with what you have

1. Rid yourself of future fantasies

Lots of self-help books urge you to imagine the future as you’d like it to be.  You’re supposed to dream a better reality into being.  I’m all for being positive, and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, and it’s good to plan for the future.  But it’s not helpful to dwell on the fantasy that if only you had that partner, that job or that house, then things would be OK.  You are where you are.  By all means work to make things better, but remember that change becomes sustained if it comes from a place of acceptance of the present.

2. Watch yourself

The most powerful way to stop feelings and emotions from taking you over is to observe yourself.  Be the Watcher.  Without judgement, notice that you’re envious, angry or disappointed.  This takes your attention away from the source of your dissatisfaction and helps you to be calm.

3. Consciously breathe

I recite “breathing in I calm my body; breathing out I smile” whenever I remember.  It’s particularly helpful when I’m agitated as it brings me back to the present and creates space to react constructively to things.

4. Let the Joneses be

It really isn’t helpful to compare yourself to other people.  There will always be others who are more successful, richer, better known.  And even if you do compare yourself to others, you don’t know what’s really going on behind their perfect façade.  They probably find buffets difficult too!

5. Work on your level of enough

The lower your level of enough, the happier you will be.  This isn’t an invitation to mediocrity, it’s just a fact.  Yes our economy depends on people wanting more, and we are urged on every side to attain it.  But our spiritual and mental wellbeing depends on less being more.  We all surprise ourselves from time-to-time when things don’t work out as planned, and we discover that things are actually OK, just as they are.
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So next time you find yourself looking over your shoulder wondering “what if”, bring yourself back to the present.  Breathe, smile, and recognise that you are where you are.  And that this is exactly where are you meant to be.  To be.

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I don’t mind what happens

Travel can be a wonderful experience.  It can also be stressful.  The consequences of missing a train or a flight, especially when others depend on you, mean that difficulties seem to be magnified. 

Working with the reality of how things are, rather than wishing they were otherwise, is the key to good emotional and psychological health.  This belief was sorely tested in a journey I made recently that involved transferring between terminals at Lagos airport.

I had heard how chaotic the airport in Nigeria’s biggest city is, but I was unprepared for the madness that met me as I came out of the domestic terminal.  Somehow my appointed driver found me amid all the others touting their taxi services and loaded me into his car for the 5km drive to the international terminal.  We soon hit the traffic jam that led all the way to departures.  We crawled forward, standing static for long minutes, staring into the tail-lights of the car in front.  I could see the time available to me slipping away and dealt with my temptation to get frustrated by repeating to myself the mantra “I don’t mind what happens”.  This was hard to believe at times, but the words did help.

Lagos airport departures

I didn’t actually miss my flight, as, unbeknown to me as we struggled through the traffic, it had been cancelled.  Any stress that I could have expended would have been pointless anyway.  And that is, in my experience, usually the case with stress; it’s usually self-created and counter-productive.  I managed to leave the following night.  Instead of the weekend in Dakar I’d been looking forward to, I spent a day of it in an airport hotel in Lagos.  No big deal, not really.

The testimony of countless men and women who’ve endured hardships far worse than mine at Lagos airport, is that accepting what is, rather than getting frustrated or angry, is the most constructive way of coping.

Rather than getting wound up when things don’t go as planned, it’s far better to work with what  is.  So next time you find yourself in a traffic jam, or stranded at a station or airport, take a deep breath, smile, and say to yourself “I don’t mind what happens”.  Then see what happens.

My tips for accepting what is:

1. Give yourself a positive message

I found it incredibly helpful to tell myself “I don’t mind what happens” when I was stuck in that Lagos traffic jam.  The sorts of messages that help are “we are where we are”, “I accept what is” and “this too will pass”.

2. Focus on your breathing

Even one conscious breath begins the process of rooting you in the present, bringing you out of the fantasies inside your head.  Breathe in through your nose, and feel the air.  Breathe out through your mouth and smile.  Try it now: it works!

3. Let go of planning

I was running “what if” scenarios in my head as my taxi crawled forward.  When you’re stuck in a situation it’s not the right time to try to be trying to work things out.  Any number of things might happen, but they probably won’t.  And whatever happens, the only time you can deal with it is then!  Think of Doris Day, and maybe even sing (quietly lest you be arrested) “Que sera, sera: what will be, will be”.

Click here if you’d like a coaching session to help you to deal with stress, or any other challenges in your life.

Taking offence

I love Pret a Manger.  It’s partly for the food, but mainly for the friendliness and helpfulness of the staff.  I witnessed an amazing example of customer service at my local branch this week.  A man had bought a soup for his lunch and was upset that the container was not full, and that the soup was not hot.  The server was apologetic and offered to change the soup free of charge, right away.  But this did not appease the man.  He was aggrieved and wanted to make a scene, which he proceeded to do.  The server remained engaged and warm, taking the force of the man’s rant.  Eventually, he lowered his head so that his eyes were on the same level as the customer’s and said “what would you like me to do to make you happy?”

It was clear that the man didn’t want to be made happy.  He wanted to be affronted.  He had taken offence.

So many relationships are blighted because one of the parties takes offence.  And like the man at Pret a Manger, sometimes the offended would rather have their indignation than restitution.

We’re good at telling kids not to rise to the bait of those who taunt them, but sometimes we need to heed this advice ourselves.  Most slights between friends, partners and relatives are unintentional.  But, even if someone has wounded you intentionally, isn’t it still best to let it wash over you, and move on?  You cannot change the past.  What’s done is done.  What you can control is your reaction.  Make this something that you’re proud of, rather than something that demeans you and the other.

Tips for rising above provocation

1.         Don’t go there

If you know someone or something is going to cause you offence, why expose yourself to it?  Many of us like the feeling of indignation – if we didn’t, some newspapers would go out of business – but, honestly, do such feelings build you up or drain your spirit?  If it’s the latter, don’t put yourself in situations where you’re going to be hurt.  This may mean stopping buying that newspaper, or reading that website.  You alone will know.

2.         Take a deep breath

A metaphorical and literal deep breath is the cure for many ills.  It creates space, the space in which you can become aware of the fact that your reaction is more under your control than you perhaps think.

3.         Let it go

Many of us like to be right, or to be proved right.  But at what cost?  If your reaction is going to damage a relationship, isn’t it worth letting go…?

4.         Choose your reaction

With practice you can learn to choose a constructive reaction to whatever provocation you encounter.  My weakness is when people talk in the cinema; I tend to let my anger well up until my words come out with more force and emotion than is actually necessary.  Tony is very good at going over to those making a noise and calmly asking them to stop talking or leave.

5.         Let it be

Acceptance of what has happened is, I would argue, the only sane response.  A person has slighted you?  So what?  It’s gone.  Let it be.  Move on.

My fellow customer eventually sat down to eat his soup, somewhere he could have been without getting so wound up.  May you discover the power that comes from not taking offence, and rising above whatever may rile you.

The Iron Lady: yes or no?

Margaret Thatcher was a politician who believed that individuals should take responsibility for themselves and for their families.  She was a highly divisive figure, and no matter what we think of her, she transformed the UK.  Despite some of the deep reservations and even hatred of her from some quarters, is there something though that we can learn from her view of life?  I think so.

She thought it was futile to render ourselves inert by blaming others for the situation we find ourselves in; that it was unhealthy, except in the most profoundly difficult circumstances, to expect the state to look after you.  She was harsh; she was abrupt; and sometimes not very good at getting her message across.  It was this lack of empathy, for colleagues and for those adversely affected by the changes she brought about, that eventually led to her downfall.  But.  Think about it, and was not the basic tenet of her belief, that we should and can take responsibility for ourselves, sound?

It is at the heart of our approach to coaching, and helps us to help those we coach to change their lives for the better.  You can talk about your past experiences and traumas as long as you like, but you cannot change what has been.  It diminishes you and drains your vital energies to blame the past for your shortcomings.

You have choices about what you think, what you say and how you behave.  And the only time they take place is not yesterday, not tomorrow, but now.

The starting point for all change is total acceptance of the present.  Things may not be as you would like them to be, but they are as they are.  From this acceptance grows the ability to move on from blame, of yourself or of others, and take responsibility, for your thoughts, your words, your actions.

Thatcher won elections in part by appealing to those who wanted to better themselves.  Whatever you believe about her, what one thing can you do today to demonstrate to yourself that you take responsibility for your own life?

When challenged over a certain controversial issue, the so-called Iron Lady once famously said No, No No!  To this challenge – to live your life in control, with confidence, with responsibility, today – why don’t you say Yes, Yes, Yes?

Find out more about changing your life for the better on our website.

Choose freedom. Now.

I was sad to read earlier this year of the death of Stephen Covey.  His Seven Habits of Highly Effective People had a profound effect on me when I first read it.  I have since striven to live out each of the eponymous traits, and help those I coach to see the wisdom of Covey’s teaching too.  His death set me thinking about the books that have had the most influence on my views on how people tick, and how to get on with others.  This Christmas season I want to share with you the books that have helped me the most.  But first more on Stephen Covey.

The most important insight I took from my first reading of Seven Habits was Covey’s observation that between the circumstances that come our way and our reaction to them, we have the freedom to choose.  Some say that we behave in certain ways because of our genetics, inheritance or environment; that we have no choice in how we respond.  Covey has no time for this view.  We choose our response to whatever situation we’re in.  The choice may be a habit, to have drink, say, in the early evening, and they may well be very hardened and difficult to break.  But it is still a choice. 

I find this view frightening, and empowering.  It was the first time I’d come across someone who put it so starkly.  I remember thinking to myself at the time, “So Covey’s saying that you don’t have to allow yourself to get wound up when someone presses your buttons”.  Yes, that is exactly what he is saying.  The more you focus on the things you can do something about, which always include your reactions, the more empowered you become.

Covey’s teaching was reinforced when I read the excellent Choice Theory by William Glasser.  In his decades of practice as a psychiatrist, Glasser found that helping people to realise they had choices in how they react to other people, and enabling them to focus on their own behaviour, rather than attempts to control others, paved the way to better relationships, health and freedom.

Then I read Eckart Tolle and realised that I’d found a unifying philosophy for all these insights into successful human relationships and wellbeing.  Tolle’s teaching is about living in the moment (his first book is The Power of Now), accepting what is, and freedom from the tyranny of what he calls “psychological time”.  He speaks of our tendency to agonise over the past or fret over future phantoms, when the truest liberty and enjoyment of life comes from living in the only place we can ever be alive, the Now.

So as Christmas approaches, I share these three excellent books on psychological wellbeing, as well as paying tribute to Stephen Covey, who started me thinking about this way of seeing the world.  Maybe you will choose one of them as your New Year reading.  And if you want help putting any of it into practice, why not call me to set up an initial coaching session.  I’m offering the initial hour’s telephone session at half price (£37.50) for new clients in January.

May Stephen Covey rest in peace.  May you find freedom in choice, thriving in the present, and a Christmas full of cheer.