I spend a lot of time reading self-help books. Most of them are toe-curlingly nauseating. They tend towards platitude and often contain a lot of jargon. But there are sometimes some nuggets of wisdom buried in the dross. One of the books I persevered with was written by John Gray, of “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” fame. He has written a book called “How to get what you want and want what you have”. It may sound odd to British ears, but it has some good stuff in it.
Gray’s thesis is that getting what you want doesn’t make you happy. Getting what you want and being happy are two separate issues. He believes that unhappiness is a lack of inner joy. It has nothing to do with our external condition. This is borne out in the experiences of countless men and women who live lives filled with joy in the most adverse conditions. The flip side of this is the people who have everything and are still miserable.
Bengt Brülde, lecturer in practical philosophy at Gothenburg University in Sweden, studies happiness and the meaning of life. His team of researchers has been interviewing people from all over the world to find out what makes them fulfilled. They have found that it is the striving for a goal, rather than attainment of it, that gives people satisfaction. This accords with earlier work on happiness that suggests that winning the lottery or achieving a goal gives us a temporary high, but that the effects are not sustained.
John Gray says “Getting what you want can only make you happy to the degree that you are already happy”. He says that when you are already happy inside, the process of striving for things creates joy, love, confidence and peace.
So the challenge for us is to work on the process of being happy first of all, and then to engage in whatever projects we may have for the future. I outline my five steps to help you to practise your happiness below. I would be very happy to talk to you through how to apply these tips. Call me on 07947 959869 to arrange your free initial consultation.
Don’t kid yourself by thinking “if only I had a boyfriend/better job/more understanding partner/better body I would be happy”. Instead, work on being happy where and how you are. If you do this, the process of striving for what you want will be so much more fun. And you’re more likely to get it!
Practising happiness
1. Exercise
Taking exercise is key to happiness. It releases endorphins which give you a natural high and is the best cure for lethargy, a contributing factor in a lot of depression. Exercise doesn’t have to be arduous. Just walking for 20 minutes a day will have a beneficial effect on your health, and on your mood. If possible, try to do things that involve you being outside. This is more beneficial in terms of your connection with the world than exercising in your own little bubble. Team activities are also great for helping to bring us out of ourselves. If you’re prone to melancholy, try joining a dance class or sports team. Make a plan to exercise at least three times a week.
2. Find meaning
What matters most to you? What do you believe in? Take a few minutes to list the things that you value most in life. Remind yourself of them every day, and make an effort to do something about them. For example, if you believe in caring for the environment, what can you do to make your street a more pleasant place to live? Is there a local conservation volunteer group? If that’s too much of a commitment, why not pick up one piece of litter every time you come back home. The important thing is to do something that connects you with the values you hold dear.
3. Strive for things
It’s important to stretch yourself. What can you do to make the things you do every day more of a challenge? Most of us have had times when our jobs have been dull. The challenge at such times is to set ourselves goals so that we’re learning from the experience and growing from it. What are you going to do to find personal challenge in your day-to-day activities? There are always things to learn, if you have an open mind.
4. Celebrate
In Sri Lanka they have a festival every time there’s a new moon. That means that there’s a public holiday every 28 days. Not good news for business, perhaps, but what a great reason to have a party! Try to find things to celebrate. Don’t let a birthday go by with bleats about getting older. Gather some friends round you and mark the fact that you’ve reached another milestone in your life. Celebrate the coming of spring. Notice the bulbs coming up and the buds coming out. Rejoice in them!
5. Count your blessings
I start every day by counting my blessings. It’s the first thing I do and sets me up so well for the day ahead. If you believe in a god, thank that god that you are alive, that you have made it through the night, that you have a home. If you believe in something else, or nothing in particular, then thank Life, or the stars, or something…! Life is a gift. Be grateful for it. And live it, to the full!
I believe that happiness is within the grasp of all of us. Do something today to make your life a happier one!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
The greatest love of all
Valentine’s Day isn’t just about sweethearts. As Witney Houston sang all those years ago, learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. Below I outline my five steps to loving yourself more this Valentine’s Day.
1. Value yourself
Make a list of all the things that make you who you are. What makes you special? What gives you your character? You may have some interesting hobbies, or the story of your life might be one of survival against the odds. Write down all the things you can think of that mark you out. And value them. I meet so many people who take their stories for granted. They don’t see that the fact that they have got to where they are shows strength and determination. When you’ve got your list, pick your top three characteristics. For each, write a positive affirmation that starts with the words “I value myself because”. It could be “I value myself because I work hard”, “I value myself because I overcame my family’s disapproval of who I am to celebrate being a gay man” or even “I value myself because I am kind”. Write three affirmations and repeat them to yourself as often as you can.
2. Be positive
No matter what happens in life, you control your attitude to it. You can choose to see events as confirmation that you are destined to fail and to be unhappy. Or you can choose to see the same events as spurs to hasten you on the path to greater success and fulfilment. It’s all about your attitude. Listen to what you tell yourself. Are you telling yourself that you’re a failure, that you don’t deserve to be loved? If so, decide to rewrite the script. Make a list of the thoughts and beliefs you have about your life that hold you back. Rewrite them as positive beliefs. You can decide to change that inner voice in your head that says “I don’t deserve to be loved” to “I deserve to be loved”. “I’m never going to succeed” can become “I will succeed”. Catch yourself whenever you have a negative thought and consciously replace it with a positive one. My experience is that, with practice, this will become a habit that will help you to flourish.
3. Believe in yourself
Believing in yourself moves you closer to valuing yourself and being positive. What are you good at? What can you do well? I met a client who told me he was no good at anything, and yet he’d completed a degree and learnt to speak several languages fluently, despite great problems with his family. Make a list of what you’re good at. Believe in your own abilities.
4. Take control of your life
The happiest people I know are those who have taken responsibility for their own lives. They don’t blame others for who they are. It is such a waste of energy to rail at the world, your family or the gods. Instead, accept where you are and take responsibility for changing it. If your job drives you up the wall, what are you doing about it? What steps are you taking to find another one? What is your attitude to the tasks you have to perform? Do you do them grudgingly, or do you do them to the best of your ability? Even dead-end jobs can be opportunities for growth and learning if you decide to use them in that way. Nobody else can make you happy, healthier or more fulfilled. Catch yourself if you are tempted to blame others and take control. You will see the results.
5. Take action
Steps one to four all lead to this point. What are you going to do to change your life for the better? How would your life be different if you really did love yourself? What are the steps you need to take to bring this about? It’s important to start with small things, things that will give you a greater sense of being in control. You could look for ways to make your work more of a challenge. For example you could decide to offer a smile to those you meet today, or to be civil to that colleague you loathe. The important thing is to do something. As you take action, your sense of being in control of your life will grow and you’ll deepen your belief in your abilities. You will find it easier to have a positive attitude and value yourself. And before you know it, you will have learnt the secret of Witney’s greatest love.
1. Value yourself
Make a list of all the things that make you who you are. What makes you special? What gives you your character? You may have some interesting hobbies, or the story of your life might be one of survival against the odds. Write down all the things you can think of that mark you out. And value them. I meet so many people who take their stories for granted. They don’t see that the fact that they have got to where they are shows strength and determination. When you’ve got your list, pick your top three characteristics. For each, write a positive affirmation that starts with the words “I value myself because”. It could be “I value myself because I work hard”, “I value myself because I overcame my family’s disapproval of who I am to celebrate being a gay man” or even “I value myself because I am kind”. Write three affirmations and repeat them to yourself as often as you can.
2. Be positive
No matter what happens in life, you control your attitude to it. You can choose to see events as confirmation that you are destined to fail and to be unhappy. Or you can choose to see the same events as spurs to hasten you on the path to greater success and fulfilment. It’s all about your attitude. Listen to what you tell yourself. Are you telling yourself that you’re a failure, that you don’t deserve to be loved? If so, decide to rewrite the script. Make a list of the thoughts and beliefs you have about your life that hold you back. Rewrite them as positive beliefs. You can decide to change that inner voice in your head that says “I don’t deserve to be loved” to “I deserve to be loved”. “I’m never going to succeed” can become “I will succeed”. Catch yourself whenever you have a negative thought and consciously replace it with a positive one. My experience is that, with practice, this will become a habit that will help you to flourish.
3. Believe in yourself
Believing in yourself moves you closer to valuing yourself and being positive. What are you good at? What can you do well? I met a client who told me he was no good at anything, and yet he’d completed a degree and learnt to speak several languages fluently, despite great problems with his family. Make a list of what you’re good at. Believe in your own abilities.
4. Take control of your life
The happiest people I know are those who have taken responsibility for their own lives. They don’t blame others for who they are. It is such a waste of energy to rail at the world, your family or the gods. Instead, accept where you are and take responsibility for changing it. If your job drives you up the wall, what are you doing about it? What steps are you taking to find another one? What is your attitude to the tasks you have to perform? Do you do them grudgingly, or do you do them to the best of your ability? Even dead-end jobs can be opportunities for growth and learning if you decide to use them in that way. Nobody else can make you happy, healthier or more fulfilled. Catch yourself if you are tempted to blame others and take control. You will see the results.
5. Take action
Steps one to four all lead to this point. What are you going to do to change your life for the better? How would your life be different if you really did love yourself? What are the steps you need to take to bring this about? It’s important to start with small things, things that will give you a greater sense of being in control. You could look for ways to make your work more of a challenge. For example you could decide to offer a smile to those you meet today, or to be civil to that colleague you loathe. The important thing is to do something. As you take action, your sense of being in control of your life will grow and you’ll deepen your belief in your abilities. You will find it easier to have a positive attitude and value yourself. And before you know it, you will have learnt the secret of Witney’s greatest love.
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