How to win an argument

This year marks the 70th anniversary of the publication of Dale Carnegie’s book How to win friends and influence people. It was the first modern self-help book and has never been out of print. If you’ve not seen it before, flick through a copy next time you’re in a bookshop. Just reading the titles of the chapters will give you a good idea of the advice the book contains.

Most of what Carnegie says is obvious when you think about it. He starts with Don’t criticise, condemn or complain and has chapters on the importance of smiling, and on helping others to save face. The most challenging chapter, to my mind, is The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

For many of us arguments are a way of life. I think I’m with Dale Carnegie in believing that it’s better to prevent an argument than win one. The satisfaction of winning an argument is, I fear, short-lived. It can lead to resentment on the part of the loser and cost the winner, too. When arguing we often get agitated. If we’re worked up, we’re not capable of using the parts of our brain that help us with subtleties of thought; we’re in fight or flight mode. By avoiding an argument we keep open channels of communication and make a creative outcome to a given situation more likely.

I outline my five tips for preventing arguments below. I’d be delighted to hear what you think of them.

Next time you find yourself slipping towards an argument with someone, make an effort to prevent it. See what happens. I’m sure you’ll be surprised at the result.


Wining arguments by preventing them

1. Take a deep breath

If you find yourself getting wound up, the chances are that your adrenaline is flowing. When adrenaline starts to flow, your heart speeds up and your breathing becomes shallow. Forcing yourself to breathe more deeply has a calming effect on your body. Try breathing in for a count of 7 and out for a count of 11. Controlling your breathing is the starting point for many relaxation techniques. Keeping your body relaxed will help you to stay calm. This allows you to think with a greater degree of subtlety and clarity, and thus avoid getting drawn into conflict.

2. Move away

Many arguments are totally avoidable. You can learn to prevent yourself from getting wound up by a given situation. The simplest thing to do if this is your aim is to distance yourself from them. If somebody is making you feel hot under the collar, move away from them.

3. Be big

I’ve seen for myself how powerful it is to curb my natural desire for defensiveness when someone criticises me. I often feel my heckles rising, especially if I think the criticism is unfair. But I’ve learnt to school my reactions. I let people have their say. Silence in the face of criticism is very powerful. It’s amazing how quickly it leads to the criticiser running out of steam. If you can take it, be big. Don’t respond when a person is obviously wound up. Instead, hear them out and let them wind down. When they’re calm again, they are capable of hearing you. I’m amazed how often, when people are calm, they can hear the things that would have fuelled an argument had I said them a few minutes’ earlier. Have a go next time you find yourself on the receiving end of criticism.

4. Remember the big picture

When you get drawn into an argument, your perspective goes out the window. You’re prone to pick on things that in less frenzied times you’d dismiss as irrelevant. I find it helpful to remember the big picture, and not to allow myself to concentrate solely on the specifics of this particular argument. Instead, I try to focus on the bigger and more positive things I want out of a given situation. This helps me to stop myself getting drawn into pointless point scoring.

5. Be friendly

You can communicate friendliness by how you hold your body. Uncross your arms. Move away slightly so that you’re not infringing the other person’s space. Smile. Try it, and see what happens.

We expend so much energy on arguments that are ultimately fruitless. You can learn to school your reactions so that you don’t get drawn into point scoring and recrimination. Winning friends and influencing people is just as important now as it was in 1936. See for yourself what happens when you make an effort to do just that.