In my years of coaching people, I’ve come to realise that the most powerful tool available to those who want to change their life for the better is the will. I don’t mean will-power, which for me conjures up images of people battling against themselves. I mean the act of will, a decision. As Goethe wrote nearly two hundred years ago, “the moment you definitely commit yourself,
Nick Hornby’s book, How to be good is the story of a woman whose husband changes from jaded cynicism to naïve goodwill overnight. The difference is so stark, and yet to me it’s believable. The husband met someone who encouraged him to change his outlook on life, and he decided to change. Once he had made that decision, he found that his old attitudes and much of his behaviour naturally changed too. This wound his wife up, and baffled his kids. After an initial clumsy fervour, he fell into a natural, comfortable expression of his new self. His easy transition caused problems for his family, but they eventually got used to having a good natured dad, rather than a grump. I’d recommend the book as a good summertime read.
It got me thinking about what happens when people change their mind. I often use creative visualisations in my coaching. I learnt about these from my studies of hypnotherapy. One of the reasons hypnotherapy works so well is that it gives people the chance to change their mind. Once you’re relaxed, you can decide to no longer live with a fear of spiders, say. You imagine yourself in situations which previously would have terrified you, and see yourself looking calm and unafraid. The visualisation reinforces the change of mind, but it is the decision to live without a phobia that previously held you back, that I believe is the most powerful aspect of the process. An act of will.
It’s not easy sometimes, and change may be a sustained process over a period of time, rather than something that always happens in an instant. It may require an act of will every day. Or several times a day. But patience and persistence, often drawing on support, and with that continued act of will, can make your life better and more fulfilling. My partner gave up smoking in an instant, but a friend of mine took years to overcome a sexual compulsion. But both did it. Both by an act of will.
Your will is the most powerful thing you have at your disposal. You can decide to change all manner of aspects of your make up. You don’t have to always be the way you’ve always been. Change is possible. And the first step towards change is a decision. Use the exercise below to help you to make that decision today. An act of will!
1. What holds you back?
Make a list of all the things that stop you from being the person you’ve got it in you to be. Concentrate on the things that are within your control to change, such as your shyness, procrastination, lack of self-confidence or fear of failure. There are some things that you may not be able to change, such as responsibilities to children or parents, but my experience is that most of what holds people back is within their control. The first step is to recognise this.
2. Identify what you want to change
From your list, choose the two or three things that hinder you the most.
3. Use your imagination
Sit somewhere quiet and relax. Concentrate on your breathing if this helps to calm you down. In your mind’s eye, see an image of yourself living without whatever it is that has held you back. How do you seem? In what way do you use your body? How do you move? How do people relate to you? Try to visualise yourself in as much detail as possible. Be aware of colours and textures. This exercise gives you a glimpse of how life can be and leads you on to step four.
4. Decide to change
Make a decision to change the aspects of your life that you’ve been working on. Do this in the confidence that, once you’ve made that decision, “all manner of things will occur to help you that would never otherwise have occurred”. And they will. If you decide to no longer be constrained by your shyness, you’ll enter the room standing taller. People will relate to you completely differently. This will reinforce your decision. The same goes for procrastination. If you decide to get on with things, you will break its spell.
5. Keep on going
At first, your new way of being may feel odd or uncomfortable. But with practice it will become second nature. If you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behaviour or thought, don’t give up. Remind yourself of the decision you made and act in the belief that the changes you’ve already started to see will take root. With time they will, and they will allow you to blossom into a wonderfully developed version of the person you’ve got it in yourself to be.
Change may be easier than you think. You don’t have to be held back by old ways of thinking or behaving. Take the first step today towards growing into the person you’ve got it in you to be! Make an act of will!
