Take control of your life

I’ve just finished working with a client I will call Ray, a salesman whose job takes him all over the home counties. He came to see me in December because he felt that coaching might help him to be a stronger person. He has a good job and loving boyfriend, but had recognised that he was all too easily brought down by his fear of what others might think of him. He thought that coaching might help him to find focus for his life.

Ray and I worked together over a period of 7 months. During that time we met every two weeks. I helped Ray to look at where he wanted to go, and what he could do to get there.

From an early stage, it was clear that Ray was in the habit of putting himself down. He would meekly accept bad behaviour from others for fear of upsetting them should he speak out. This made him angry inside. His anger would come out in inappropriate ways, through cursing at other drivers, for example. Such exchanges got him nowhere, but they allowed him to let off steam.

I supported Ray in taking control of his life firstly by recognising the limits of the things he could do something about. There was nothing he could do about other drivers’ behaviour, for example, but he could do something about his response. Over a period of months, he learnt how not to react negatively to things that in the past would have wound him up. This was empowering. We went on to look at other habits of thought and behaviour that held him back and worked out how to counter-act them.

Ray realised that he was unduly affected by what had happened to him in the past. He found it difficult to let go of things, even if he knew they were bad for him. He expressed what it felt like by talking of being haunted by ghosts from his past.

We also looked at the patterns of thinking that led Ray to become anxious about things. Over a period of months, he learnt to let go of things he could do nothing about, and to concentrate on the things that he had control over. This usually meant doing things, rather than fretting about them. But it also meant looking at his reactions to things, and learning how not to get wound up by them.

It has been a delight to watch Ray blossom over the last few months. I miss our fortnightly sessions, but we are still in email contact. He continues to do well. I’ve used Ray’s story and the following quote with his permission:

“Adam, I have not felt this strong and confident in over ten years. Before we met I felt that I was drifting and had a terrible feeling of being lost inside. I always knew that I had the potential to be the best but found that self destructive habits kept winning. Through your coaching I managed to identify a number of qualities that I didn’t realise I had. I have also learnt to let go of things that don’t matter. I feel that I am now in control of my successes and destiny. The anxiety I used to suffer from has stopped as I can now recognise the reasons why it happened and prevent to the vicious circle. Your coaching has exceeded my expectations. I have left behind the ghosts of the past and evolved into a far kinder person and am much more relaxed. Thank you.”

Five steps to help you to take control of your life

1. Concentrate on things you can do something about

There is no point on wasting energy on fretting about things you can do nothing about. Write a list of all the things that cause you grief or anxiety. For everything on your list, work out the extent to which it’s under your control. Even if there’s nothing you can do about whether something happens, you still have control over your reaction to it. How could you react in a way that empowers you? What would you do differently?

2. Let go of the past

This is easy to say, and much more difficult to do. It’s especially difficult if you’ve been hurt or wronged. But the past is past. What’s done is done. Think about how your life would be different if you freed yourself from the ghosts that haunt you. What would be a good first step to demonstrate to yourself that you were letting go? Once you’ve identified what you could do, decide when you’re going to do it, and do it!

3. Focus on relationships which give you energy

We all know people who drain our spirits. They may be those who make us feel guilty, or who only ring us up to have a moan. You owe it to yourself to change the way you relate to such people. What can you do to protect yourself from their negativity? Who, amongst those you know, helps you to feel good about yourself? How can you increase your contact with them? What can you learn from them? What are you going to do about what you learn?

4. Set yourself goals

Having goals is a vital part of taking control of your life. If this is a new concept to you, start first with goals that you will find it easy to meet. This will boost your confidence, and your sense of being in control of your life. When you’ve tackled the small things, you can move on to the bigger goals such as where your life is going.

5. Be your own cheerleader

So many of those I meet do themselves down. They tell themselves that they’re not good enough, that they’re destined to fail, or to be alone. If you’re prone to negative thoughts, take time to write them down. Then rewrite the script. If you were your own cheerleader, what messages would you be giving yourself? See if you can come up with some punchy encouragement to say to yourself when you’re tempted to do yourself down.

Taking control of your life may be more straightforward than you think. Make those first steps today. If you’d like a free, one-off consultation to help you to take those steps, send me an email on adam@lifecoachuk.biz, or call me on 07947 959869 to arrange it. Believe you can do it, and enjoy the process!