Ditch the guilt

A couple of weeks ago my dear sister, Catherine, got married. It was a fantastic wedding, albeit one tinged with sadness as we are saying goodbye to her, at least for a while. Her husband, Noam, is American. They are going to live in New York.

Noam comes from a completely different culture to us. He is Jewish and spent his early years in Jerusalem. We have enjoyed finding more out about his family’s ways of thinking and behaving as we have got to know them. I don’t know if this is a universal Jewish trait, but one of the most refreshing aspects of their character, as I see it in Noam and his family, is their lack of apology for who they are. They also seem to live lives that are free from guilt.

Guilt is such a destructive force. Many of those I coach lead lives that are hampered by it. It shocked me to hear one of my clients tell me recently that he felt guilty that he was happy. He thought he ought to hide his joy for fear of upsetting those around him. How sad! In my experience, we get energy from people who are happy and at ease with themselves. They help us to feel good about the world.

Some people believe that guilt is helpful. They claim that it can be the catalyst to change. I don’t subscribe to that idea. How many people do you know who say they feel guilty each time they eat a cream cake actually stop eating them as a result? If you’ve got a decision to make about something like that, why not either just do it and enjoy it, or not do it? What a waste of effort to do it and feel guilty!

Feelings of regret and sadness about things we’ve done wrong are natural and spur us to be better human beings. By all means, you can look at what you’ve done and its effects and make decisions about what you will do in the future in the light of what you see. But you don’t need to feel guilty about it. Guilt is a form of self-indulgence. Ditch your guilt and build up your resolve. You don’t need guilt to decide to do things differently.

I’ve seen how, despite years of conditioning, it is possible for people to free themselves from guilt. I offer a five-stage process to help you to do this below. I hope that you will be able to do this for yourself. And in the meantime, I wish many years of guilt-free happiness to Catherine and Noam.

Free yourself from guilt

1. Work out the cost

For this step you will need a pen and paper. Make a list of what guilt has cost you. What has it prevented you from doing that you otherwise would have done? In what ways does it hold you back? How has it affected those around you? Try to spell out the costs of your guilt in as much detail as possible.

2. Imagine

For this step, you will need to use your imagination. Try to do this somewhere quite and calm, where you won’t be disturbed. Still yourself. Calm your thoughts. Concentrate on you breathing, then take time to imagine how your life would be different if it were free from guilt. What would you look like if you ditched the guilt? How would you relate to those around you? What sort energy do you give off? Try to see this image in as much colour and detail as possible. Enjoy the vision you have of a life free from guilt, and tell yourself that such a life is possible.

3. Decide

This step is the key step. You have established what the cost to you of guilt has been. You have seen how your life could be different without guilt. Now is the time to make the change. Make a decision that from now on you will live without feeling guilty.

4. Act

You need to get into the habit of acting and behaving in a way that demonstrates to you, and the world, that you have truly dropped the guilt. Stand tall. Believe in yourself. Let your light shine.

5. Keep going

It’s important to be kind to yourself if you find you are slipping back into old ways of thinking and behaving. If you find yourself feeling guilty again, remind yourself of your decision to think and behave differently. Keep on going in the knowledge that it is worth it. Look at the time you’ve had without guilt, and believe that you can have it again.

With practice it is possible to lead a life that is free from guilt. Enjoy the changes that ditching the guilt bring. And let the light of the new guilt-free you shine!