Everything happens for a reason?

I’ve always had difficulties with those who assert that everything happens for a reason. In the late nineties I lived in the city of Izmit in Turkey. One year to the day after I left, an earthquake hit the city. More than 30,000 people were killed. To say to those who were bereaved that everything happens for a reason would at best be insensitive. I think it would be downright cruel. My former colleague, Filiz, lost her sister, brother-in-law and nephew on that night in August 1999. Her young niece emerged unhurt from the rubble and has now been adopted by Filiz. How could I ever say to her that everything happens for a reason?

But I think there is a truth in that assertion, insofar as it relates to our reaction to events. My observation is that those who learn how to react well to the events that life presents to them are the happiest and most resourceful. They tend to take responsibility for their own lives. They may not start out more fortunate than anyone else, but they appear to have more luck. They cope with setbacks and learn from their mistakes. In contrast, those who get angry about the way their life has turned out tend to limit their own effectiveness and end up despondent. Finding your own meaning in things that happen to you is part of learning to cope with them.

Finding this meaning is an art. It can be difficult when you’ve been stuck in a traffic jam for an hour, or your train has unexpectedly ground to a halt between stations. But if you can learn to find reasons, you can turn even the most frustrating circumstances into an opportunity for learning or growth. Yesterday when I was at the supermarket I forgot to buy one of the ingredients I needed for the meal I was cooking that night. By the time I got home the supermarket was closed. I could have got angry at myself for my forgetfulness, but instead I realised that I would have to go to the local shop to pick up what I’d forgotten. When I stepped outside to walk to the shop, it had just rained. The streets smelt so fresh. On the walk I passed two people who gave me lovely smiles. None of these in themselves were life-changing events, but they all helped to affirm my sense of the goodness of being alive.

Part of the skill of turning potentially frustrating things round is to recognise the limits of what you can do. If you are on a broken down train, there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it. However, your attitude to the problem is entirely within your control. You don’t have to get agitated. I contend that your reaction is a choice.

Beware of finding negative reasons for things that happen to you. There is a danger that you can interpret events to confirm negative views about yourself or your life. I think it’s important to turn round negative beliefs about yourself. Don’t assume pessimistic reasons for what happens to you. If your beliefs about your life are healthy, I think you are more likely to perceive something positive in things that happen.

We have to be careful about telling other people that everything that happens to them is for a reason. But you can learn to see life’s events and challenges as an opportunity for growth. In this way, I believe, we can discover our own reasons for everything that happens to us.

Five tips for finding meaning in what happens to you

1. Look at your beliefs

What do you believe about your life? Do you believe you are destined to be unhappy or alone? Or do you believe that you are likely to lead a fulfilled life? What we believe is at the root of a lot of what happens to us. We tend to look for evidence that backs up our beliefs. That’s why it’s important to be honest about yourself about your beliefs. If you believe things that might hold you back, or stop you from being the person you have it in you to be, now is the time to do something about it. You can decide to turn negative beliefs round to positive ones.

2. Accept the limits of what you can do

Don’t waste energy on things you can do nothing about. Getting angry about such things makes you ineffective. Instead, focus on the things that are in your control. This will help you to feel empowered. It will help you to push back the boundaries of what you can do.

3. Keep calm

In order to focus on what you can do in any given situation, it’s important to stay calm. If you find yourself getting wound up, concentrate on your breathing. Focus on slowing your breathing down, and making your breath out slower than your breath in. This will relax you and allow you to think more creatively about the situation you find yourself in.

4. Keep your perspective

What’s happening to you is not the end of the world. You will get over it. It’s more difficult to see this with the tragic events of life, but a sense of perspective helps. If you’re stuck on in a traffic jam or your flight’s cancelled it may seem like a calamity, but with the benefit of hindsight, you’ll see it in perspective. Try to foster that sense of hindsight in the present.

5. Look for solutions

By focusing on what you can do, you engage constructive parts of the brain. Start with a first step. If you’re stuck on a train, for example, how best can you use your time? What reading material do you have with you? Can you call people? Beware of phoning to tell people you’re stuck on a train; this tends to heighten the tension. Instead, is there someone you’ve been meaning to have a chat with whom you can call? Even if you’ve got nothing with you, you can always use your imagination. Use the time you’re stuck to visualise things you could do to make your life better.

Remember, you can learn to react in constructive ways to anything that happens to you. Your life is too precious to waste time and energy on things you can do nothing about. Learn to stay calm, keep your perspective, explore solutions, and you will find that you can turn potentially frustrating situations round to your advantage.