Go with the flow

I love the game of backgammon. I’ve written before about how, for me, it is a good metaphor for life. It’s a game that combines skill and chance. You have no control over the dice that you throw. But how you use the numbers thrown on the dice is entirely up to you. The first half of each game is where your skill comes to the fore: you build up your strength so as to be in a good place to do well in the second part of the game which is much more driven by chance.

So often we expend energy analysing and trying to work out possible future outcomes for our lives, which may or may not come to pass. We second-guess others’ reactions or plan possible speeches in our heads. This can be very costly for us in terms of emotions, and distracts us from what I believe is most important, living in the here and now. We should be building up our strength by dealing with what we know, what we understand, what we can cope with, in the present. Then, as life’s dice fall, we are more ready and prepared to deal with the unpredictable, able to face all that comes our way.

Much of life coaching is about helping people to plan their lives. In my work I help people to think through how they would like their life to be. We then work out together what they need to do, in the present, to bring this into reality. This involves setting clear and achievable goals. There is a cliché that in failing to plan, we plan to fail. As with so many clichés, there is some truth in it, and being clear about what we want to achieve in the future certainly helps. But we also need to recognise that there are limits on what planning can do for us. We can plan our actions, but our capacity to control others’ reactions is limited.

So, I think that the way to find the right balance between planning and letting life flow its natural course is to build up trust. In yourself. As you build up this trust, and believe in the innate goodness in life, it’s easier to go with the flow. As in the first half of a game of backgammon, if you trust yourself, you can put your energy into making the most of whatever the dice give you. Then, when the unpredictable future unravels, you are able to draw on your instinctive thoughts and reactions to make the most of life.

Trust is a fragile entity. Once it’s been lost it’s hard to restore. But it is possible to do simple things to augment it. I suggest below some things you can do to build up your trust, so that you can find for yourself the right balance between conscious planning and the more natural, intuitive reactions to what your life presents.

Both halves of the game of backgammon are best played as a seamless whole, letting the two merge and weave together. Perhaps life is best played the same way too!

Build up your trust in yourself

1. Keep things in perspective

When we get a knock-back, it’s easy to convince ourselves that this always happens to us. The reality, if we take a more objective, dispassionate look, is usually somewhat different. Avoid the temptation to berate yourself with “I always do that”. Even if you have a pattern of behaviour, it doesn’t have to be the way things are going to be forever. Try to keep a sense of perspective. Allow yourself to feel the disappointment, or whatever it is you feel, but once that has passed, try to look at things in a calm and more kindly way. What did you do that was good? What can you learn from the experience? What has happened at other times that has been different?

2. Give yourself positive messages

It saddens me how many talented attractive people make themselves miserable because they put themselves down. Perhaps they were brought up to be modest and humble. Nobody likes a show-off, but I think we are all uplifted by people who enjoy using their gifts. What is it that makes you unique? What makes you special? Try to come up with a list of things that you can praise yourself for. They could be qualities that you often overlook such as your compassion or your loyalty. See if you can come up with an affirmation for each item on your list. For example, you could say “I am a good person because I make people feel good about themselves”. Try to make your affirmations short and pithy so that you can remember them. Use them as often as you can to build yourself up.

3. Relax

If you are wound up, it’s much more difficult to see things in perspective. When you are agitated your brain is capable only of black-and-white thinking. That’s why it’s important to find ways to wind down. Not only is it good for you, but it helps you to see things more clearly, and to be more constructive about situations. If you are agitated, stop doing what you are doing. Then take deep breaths. Look out at the world around you. Remember things that make you laugh. In the longer term, think about what you like to do to relax. How often do you do it? Why not plan to do more of it?

4. Keep hope

I’m always impressed by those who live out hope in adversity. They keep plugging away, even in the face of overwhelming odds. Allow yourself the hope that things might get better. In my experience, this unlocks resources in us that often lie hidden. If you had hope, how would things be different? What are you going to do about it?

5. Keep going

All new skills require practice. Building up trust in yourself is like any other skill. You may get setbacks, but you can learn from these. And you just keep on trying. Then it gradually gets easier. Imagine how much better your life would be if you trusted in yourself. Let that drive you on.

Enjoy the fact that as you grow in trust, you are much more able to go with the flow and make the most of life, whatever dice you throw.