Build your trust

Trust is a precious commodity. It binds lovers together and helps to make society function. It is a powerful force for good that can lead to transformations in people’s lives. We all know how empowering it is when we are trusted. And how lack of trust belittles and constrains us. This month I offer you my reflections on how to build up trust, trust in yourself and trust in other people.

I’ve worked for a variety of bosses in my time. The best bosses were those who trusted me. They set the parameters of what they expected from me and left me to get on with my job in whatever way I thought best. They were available for advice if I sought it, but didn’t impose their ideas of how I should do my job. Their trust in me was empowering. They were the bosses who got the best from me.

In contrast I have worked for plenty of bosses who tried to micro-manage me. I think their approach belied a lack of trust. The result of this was that I felt disempowered. The quality of my work suffered as a result.

In my personal life I’m lucky to have had friends, family and a partner who trust me. This has allowed me to flourish and be fully myself, something for which I’m truly grateful. Many do not have the security that I have enjoyed. For them building up and maintaining trust is more difficult. But it can be done.

I think the opposite of trust is worry. We all have imaginations. We can use these to build ourselves up or to do ourselves damage. One of my clients talks about the “negative snowballs” she creates for herself. She’s quick to jump on the slightest sign of a problem in her relationship with her boyfriend and blow things out of all proportions. Then her worries grow like a rolling snowball, run out of control, drawing her down with them. I did my own “negative snowballing” over arrangements for a social function last week. It was so counter-productive and costly. In the end it proved totally unnecessary.

The trick to building up trust is, I believe, to use your imagination creatively. Use it to see positive outcomes instead of negative ones. Use it to see solutions rather than problems. Use it to set people free rather than constrain them.

We start with a seed of hope and, with care, we can nurture this into something bigger and altogether more powerful. If you are used to giving vent to your worries, try changing your mindset. It may feel odd at first. But with practice, you can do it. You can learn to build your trust in yourself and in other people. Maybe there are positive snowballs too!

I offer my tips on how to create them below.

Creating positive snowballs

1. Avoid generalisations

Try to avoid black and white ways of thinking and expressing yourself. You may be tempted to say “I always do that” when something goes wrong, but the truth is more likely to be more subtle. If you find yourself thinking in this way, stop, and take a deep breath. Try to think of something that makes you laugh or lightens your mood. And then express yourself in more measured terms. Something along the lines of “This time I messed up, but I’m learning from the experience and am less likely to make the same mistake next time.” You should also avoid making generalisations about your partner. Jibes such as “you always do that” often lead to rows. If you’ve got an issue, be specific. And own your reactions to it. “I felt hurt” is better than “you hurt me”.

2. Start small

Building trust is something that’s usually done incrementally. As children grow up, parents trust them to go further afield as they get older. You can do the same with yourself or with your partner. If the intention is to build trust, start with something small. For example, ask your partner to do something for you and really trust that they will do it. You might explain that it’s part of an exercise to build up trust. You don’t want to catch them out, but to build them up. Start with the small things and then move on to the bigger more important things as you’ve begun to build the trust.

3. Act as if you trusted

Ask yourself how you would act if you really did trust yourself, or the person in question. Imagine what your behaviour and bearing would be. Try to see it in your imagination. And then act it out in real life. It might feel odd or unfamiliar at first, but this is a very powerful tool.

4. Be aware

Be aware of your needs for rest, space or food. This is particularly important if you feel that an argument is brewing. If you’re in a foul mood because you’re hungry, have something to eat. If you’re tired and grumpy, go to bed. If you’ve got issues with your partner, avoid alcohol. Try to deal with things when you are both strong. Be aware of what’s going on with your body and its basic needs. Don’t try to sort things out when you’re vulnerable.

5. Believe

Believe that you can do it. This is the key to all change. See yourself growing in trust. If you do this, your subconscious will pick up the little signs that reinforce this belief, thereby making the process of change possible.

You can learn to grow in trust, trust in yourself and trust a partner. But to do this takes time, application and effort. Why not commit to doing something to build trust this month? Have a go, and enjoy the results. Have fun with the snowballs!