The voice of experience

When I met my partner, Tony, he was a rising star in the police service. Soon after we became friends, he was appointed as the youngest-ever sergeant of a market town, in charge of the police station and a dozen or so constables. Most of those who reported to him were many years his senior. The culture of the police at the time was to give deference to people’s years of service. So someone with 20 years’ experience, say, was afforded more respect than someone like Tony who had been a police officer for only four years.

I remember Tony’s first few weeks in charge of the station. He had to work hard to win the respect of his new colleagues. A few weeks into the job, he said to me that he wondered whether one of the constables who boasted of his 20 years’ experience actually had one year’s experience repeated 20 times. This officer was resistant to change and seemed destined to always do things the way he always had. He was very set in his ways.

For many years I worked for a large international consultancy. I used to love having my annual appraisal. I saw it as an opportunity to engage with my manager, to learn, to receive and offer feedback, and to grow. It saddened me how many of my colleagues were cynical about the appraisal process. They paid only lip-service to it and got very little from it.

The opportunity to receive constructive feedback is one we should all relish. It’s one of the ways in which we can learn. The sad thing is how easily we become defensive whenever there’s the slightest whiff of criticism. Our sense of pride seems to stop many of us from learning from what we do, and the effect of our actions on our desired outcomes.

So next time you have the opportunity to learn, why not be open instead of closed, unguarded instead of defensive, innovative instead of repeating the same old patterns? Make sure that every year counts, so that in 2027 you can look back and see that you had 20 years of learning, not one year of learning repeated 20 times. Let the voice of experience speak to you.

I offer my tips on how to do this below.

Listen to the voice of experience

1. Drop your defensiveness

It seems to be a natural human reaction to become defensive whenever we’re criticised. It is important to over-ride this if you’re going to learn from other people’s comments. You can judge the validity or usefulness of someone’s criticisms most effectively if you listen to them first. If somebody offers you feedback that makes you feel defensive, decide to bite your tongue. Rather than defending yourself, try saying something like “is there anything else?” or “tell me more about why you think that”. You’ll be surprised how this can take the heat out of a situation that could have led to conflict. And it allows you the opportunity to judge and learn from another’s opinion.

2. Reflect

If you want to change some aspect of your life, it’s important to reflect on what works for you, and what doesn’t. You might be unhappy in your work, or have problems with relationships with those close to you, or have issues with debt. Think about the things over which you have control and start two lists, a list of things you do well and a list of things you do poorly . Try to make the list as exhaustive as possible. The things you do well could include your loyalty and your openness. The list of weaknesses might include your insecurity or possessiveness.

3. Learn

What are the effects of the things you’ve written on your two lists? How do they affect you? How do they affect others? Try to be as honest and as comprehensive as possible. What can you do to enhance and develop the things you do well, and reduce the incidence or impact of those things you do poorly?

4. Plan

Given the effects you’ve identified, what are you going to do about the things on your list? If your issue is money, how much money should you be spending each month and how will you monitor it? If your issue is trust, what steps can you take to build it? If it’s lack of progress with your career that causes you grief, how can you change things? Concentrate on the things you can do, such as changing your attitude or the way in which you engage with others, rather than on things that you can’t do anything about such as the company’s culture or your boss’s bad temper.

5. Act

Once you’ve planned, it’s time to act, to put what you’ve identified into practice. If possible, try not to take it too seriously and treat it as lightly as you can. Maybe even have fun with the targets you’ve set for yourself.

You don’t have to always do what you’ve always done. Why not take a few minutes today to think about the areas in your life which you know you need to change and come up with a plan for how to bring that change about? You can change your life for the better. The time to do it is now. Listen to that voice.