Be kind

I’ve recently joined a business networking group. We meet for breakfast once a week. The idea is that as we get to know each others’ businesses, we’ll be able to refer potential clients to each other. The philosophy of the group is based on the idea that givers gain – if you bring me business, I’ll want to bring you business.

Over the years I’ve heard this sort of philosophy expressed in many different ways. Sometimes you hear people saying “what goes around comes around”. Others talk of karma and the necessity of doing good so that ill does not befall you. Paulo Coelho uses the idea of the Favour Bank in his book The Zahir. If you’ve paid into the Favour Bank through acts of kindness and generosity to others, when you need something, you’re likely to have a positive balance of goodwill to withdraw.

This approach to doing good is an effective way to run a business networking organisation, but I wonder how wholesome it is to apply it more widely in our personal lives. If you’re helping someone just to get into their good books, or to win their favour, how genuine is the generosity you are offering?

Acts of kindness and generosity of spirit are an essential part of what makes us human. I imagine that for most of us, our parents didn’t look after us when we were babies just so we’d be able repay the favour at a later date. They did it because they loved us.

Conversely, just because you’re a caring person, it doesn’t necessarily follow that your life will be blessed. Bad things do happen to good people through no fault of their own.

It’s worth being kind and generous, even if there’s no apparent payback. Kindness takes us out of ourselves and helps us to feel better about the world. It increases our sense of being able to do something positive to make a difference. And if it prompts others to want to help us, that’s a wonderful, unexpected bonus.

I love the networking group I’ve joined and I subscribe wholeheartedly to its ethos. But I think there’s a higher law, above the idea that givers gain. Being kind to other people, and indeed yourself, makes a difference to their lives, and yours.

How to be kind

1. Notice other people

In order to survive in a city, sometimes it’s necessary to block out the needs of others. But it’s not good to close our eyes completely, especially to the needs of those closest to us, either physically or emotionally. I’m a great believer in taking time to build up good relations with my neighbours. Who are the people you see on a regular basis that you could make more of an effort with?

2. Notice yourself

Generosity of spirit is not something you should have just for others. You need to be kind to yourself. I don’t think this necessarily means indulging yourself. For me it’s more about noticing the effect that things I do have on my body and my spirit, and making an effort to do more of the things that contribute to my wellbeing and fewer of the things that drain me. For example, you might know, deep down, that spending hours chatting on-line leaves you feeling empty at the end of it. Conversely you may also know that you get an enormous buzz from going to the cinema. What are you going to do about this?

3. Get involved

My observation is that those who are members of groups, societies and associations tend to live happier, more fulfilled lives than those who aren’t. One of the groups I’m a member of is the networking group I mentioned above. I get an enormous amount of pleasure from my association with the other members. The fact that they’re expecting me to turn up at the breakfast meetings every Tuesday morning at 6:45 gives a rigour and discipline to my life that I didn’t have before I joined. What could you do to get involved, for example, in your local community?

4. Become a mentor

In many societies mentors are afforded a special status. Learning new things is an important part of leading a happy life. Some of these things we can learn alone, but some are best done with a sympathetic expert. What skills have you got that you could share with other people? What can you to do to make this happen?

5. Do something unnoticed

Some of the most important acts of kindness will never be noticed by others. But if you’re the architect of them, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you made them happen. I’m a great believer in acting instead of reacting. We live near a school. Most of the kids are great and well behaved. But a few drop litter. Rather than getting upset about this, what I do if I come across a discarded sweet wrapper in our street is pick it up and put it in the bin. Obviously there’s a limit to how much rubbish I can pick up, but by doing something about a small amount of it, I increase my sense of being in control of my life and my destiny. And it’s something worthwhile to do.

Resolve today to be kind. Kind to yourself and kind to other people. See what difference your openness of spirit makes to you and those around you.