What might have been...

I found both the US presidential candidates' speeches in the early hours of November 5th moving. Barrack Obama was inspiring and gracious in victory, but it was John McCain's concession speech that was, for me, the most challenging. "I won't spend a moment of the future regretting what might have been," he said. Regrets form part of most of our lives. We wonder how things might have turned out if only we'd acted differently. We conjure up new, different outcomes in our mind. We think up witty ripostes we would have loved to use. But the reality is that we can't reverse the clock. We did what we did, and live with the consequences. Senator McCain's statement is poignant because he's right. There is no point wasting time and energy on regrets. We are where we are. The question is not "what could I have done to ensure I didn't arrive here?" The question is "what do I do now?" At best regrets are a distraction. At worst they paralyse us and compromise our chances of resolving things for the better. My challenge for this month is to catch yourself every time you're thinking wistfully about what could have been, about choices you could have made differently. When you find yourself in such a situation, say "stop", and consciously decide to bring yourself back to the present. What are you going to do now to resolve or improve the situation you find yourself in? I offer my own tips on dealing with regret below. I will try to follow them too. Like everybody else, I am prone to regrets. But my resolution is to be as big as John McCain. To lift my head high, and to face the road ahead with determination, courage and a lightness of spirit. I hope you can do the same.

Tips for dealing with regrets 1. Stop When you find yourself regretting what might have been, stop. If you've got your eyes closed, open them. Look at what's around you. If you're daydreaming, on a bus or plane, or, dare I say it, at work or school, bring yourself back to the present. Notice something about your environment. It may be the sound of the wind in the trees outside, or the clutter on your desk. Just find something that brings you back to the present, to where you are now. 2. Forget blame One of the most damaging forms of blame, I think, is to direct it at yourself. As equally destructive is blaming someone you love. If you've done something to hurt someone, or they've hurt you, blame is not helpful. Hold your tongue. Decide not to get into an argument. Don't beat yourself up, or, indeed, any of your loved ones. 3. Be kind Kindness unlocks so many doors. You may be smarting as a result of your actions, or those of someone you love. Kindness is the best way I know to make amends, to find constructive, helpful ways forward. 4. Look for solutions Whatever situation you find yourself in, looking for solutions is the key to doing something about it. Start with something small. What one thing can you do to make amends, to build bridges, to resolve things? Work out what it is, and do it. 5. Dare to dream Instead of using your imagination to rerun past scenarios, use it to see yourself reacting differently, positively and constructively next time you find yourself in a similar situation. Try to make these positive daydreams as vivid as possible. Use all the colour and texture you might have given to negative fantasies to illuminate your positive visualisations. This will unlock resources within you that you may not have known you had. It's natural to feel regret, but unhelpful to dwell on such feelings. Resolve to be big, to be strong. And practise doing things differently. Even if you've failed in something as big as running for the presidency of a great nation, you can still live the rest of your life well. Why not start today?

If dogs could laugh

I’ve been to two funerals recently. One was of my oldest client, who lost her struggle against frailty and old age at the beginning of June. She was 79 when she died. It is quite an inspiration that she worked with me as her coach to feel more confident and assertive right up to the end of her life. Since her funeral, I’ve struck up a warm relationship with her daughter, who is delighted that her mother had my support.

The other funeral was for my friend Christopher, an actor who returned to London from Los Angeles at the end of last year to have a tumour removed. We all hoped he would get better, so many of us were shocked to learn three weeks ago that he had died quite suddenly.

A poem was read at Christopher’s funeral that told of his recent assertion that he was “deeply well”. A passage of the poem really stuck in my mind. It describes Christopher playing on a beach with his friend’s dog. The dog was enjoying jumping around in the waves, running after a stick that Christopher was throwing for him. The writer of the poem observed how the dog was “abandoned to the present”, and wondered whether we humans could learn from dogs about the wisdom of being utterly rooted in the present moment. Dogs don’t worry about the future. They don’t have regrets about the past. They live in the now.

We all make mistakes. When somebody dies, it’s natural to feel regret, to wonder if we could have done more for or with them, made one more visit, or had one more phone call. It seems to me almost inhuman to live without regrets. But I think it’s important to use regrets as present opportunities for learning and change, rather than as ammunition to berate ourselves for the past. There may be things we wish we had, or had not said or done. But what’s said and done, is said and done. It is finished. The vital question for me is, “what now”?

Being abandoned to the present also means letting go of second guessing the future. Another wonderful feature of humans is our ability to plan. Most of us have active imaginations. It saddens me how many of those I know use their imaginations to see pitfalls and mistakes in the future. I know that I can do this too. But over the years I’ve learnt to replace negative fantasies with positive ones. So instead of putting energy into imagining how things could go wrong, I see, in my mind’s eye, how well things could go. This is so much more empowering, and allows me to live in the present, confident that I will find the way to deal with whatever happens when it arises.

My challenge for you, and for me, is to become more like that dog, abandoning ourselves to the present. Make the most of where we are, and avoid draining preoccupations on things that have happened, or may happen. I profoundly believe that this is the route to greater happiness, effectiveness and fulfilment. In this way, splashing in the waves, we honour those who have gone by truly living.



Tips for splashing in the waves

1. Use your senses

One way I’ve found of routing myself in the present when I realise that I’m mulling over things from the past is to use my senses. Ask yourself what you can hear. What do you see if you look out of the window? What do you feel in your body about the way you are sitting or standing? Can you smell the fruit in the fruit bowl, or the fragrance of trees outside? If you spend some time consciously connecting with your senses, you cannot but be in the present.

2. Let go of the past

We so often expend energy on things we can’t do anything about. Everything that has already happened is like this. We can’t rewrite history. There is absolutely no point in beating yourself up over what you’ve done. What’s done is done. My experience is the more we focus on what we should have done, the less able we are to do the right thing now. I know that letting go of the past is not always easy. We can’t undo the consequences of our actions. We have to live with them. But given where you are, what are you going to do now?

3. Trust to the future

Trust is such a powerful commodity. We all know how empowering it is when we feel truly trusted. And how undermining it is when we sense that we’re not. Why not do yourself the honour of deciding to trust that you will find the right words, that you will act in the right way, when the circumstances arise? This may require practice at first; if you’re used to over-planning it will be odd to let go of this. But my experience of dealing with all sorts of situations, from giving presentations to dealing with difficult people, is that the more that I trust myself to handle them well, the better I deal with them.

4. See what’s good

Part of what has allowed the human race to develop is our desire to perfect things. When I run a workshop, I can find myself more alert to the one person who seems withdrawn and disengaged than the 19 others who love what we’re doing together. We seem more inclined to dwell on the birthday cards we forgot to send than those we did! I think it’s important to focus on what we’ve done that is good, rather than putting too much energy into thinking about what could have been done better.

5. Have fun

Laughter is the best medicine I know. You can’t hear dogs laughing, but you can see how they give themselves wholeheartedly to whatever game they are playing. What can you do that’s fun? I love dancing and dressing up. Some love skiing or kayaking. What can you do that’s going to make you whoop with joy in the next few weeks?

Whether you find yourself playing on a beach, or working in an office, may you find ways to abandon yourself to the present this summer. Have fun, and celebrate life. Get out into those waves and have a splash. And to my recently departed friends, rest in peace.

Image courtesy of Praveen Mutalik at Greyhounds Reach the Beach

Keep your cool

Last night I lost my temper. I’m not easily riled, and over the years have taught myself not to get wound up by things I can do nothing about. I’m good at not letting transport delays get to me, for example. But last night I did get angry, and I expressed it.

The cause of my anger was a group of teenagers sitting next to us at the theatre. They were boisterous and in good spirits. But their constant backchat seemed to be pitched at a level designed to wind up those around them. I asked the young man next to me to stop talking soon after the show started. There were sarcastic comments about me, but it quietened down for a while. But the volume of their chatter built up again. The one with the loudest voice, who seemed to be egging the others on, was in the middle of the group. When I could take it no more, I rose from my seat, leant across the group and told him he would have to quieten down or else I would ask security to get him to leave the theatre.

This raised the temperature somewhat! There were now several indignant teenagers adamant that I’d invaded their space. The ruckus attracted the attention of the staff, who came over and made it quite clear that we’d all be asked to leave if this continued. The air was bad between the group and me. It was at this stage that I decided to withdraw and moved to a spare seat, some way away from the group. I’m sure this is what I should have done in the first place.

I’ve been playing over the incident in my head since. It’s pertinent because anger has been in the news here in London. A few weeks ago a teenage boy, Jimmy Mizzen, was murdered on a Saturday morning in a bakery. His family has made some extraordinarily impressive statements. They loved their son, and obviously miss him dreadfully, but they’ve chosen not to be angry, or to blame the government.

The Mizzens’ response to their son’s murder is beyond most of us. I spent some years trying to rise above anger, willing myself not to feel it as I thought it was a destructive emotion. Some of this was good: I’m pleased that I’ve taught myself to lose myself in a book when my train is delayed, for example. But I wonder if sometimes it led me to suppress emotions and become somewhat withdrawn.

Graham Price, a psychologist, whose seminar I recently attended, suggests that the best way to deal with anger, or indeed frustration, regret or guilt, is to accept we’re feeling it. Accept the feeling, rather than fight it. This positive acceptance of our feelings shifts our attention from the cause of the emotion to the feeling itself. One of the dangers of anger is that we can become stuck on what provoked it. Focusing on the feeling, acknowledging we’re angry and accepting it, helps move our attention away from the cause, so that we’re in a better frame of mind to decide what to do next. The danger of acting when we’re still hooked on the cause of our anger is that we often make bad decisions.

In retrospect it would have been better last night to move and get security at an earlier stage in the play, rather than let things get to the point they did. But I made my decisions, and I live with the consequences. The remainder of the first half of the play was a write-off for me: I was far too wound up to enjoy it. But in the interval I acknowledged my anger and decided that I wasn’t going to let it blight the second half too. I sat far away from the kids and was moved by the performance on the stage. I was glad I went to the theatre and learnt some valuable lessons.

I offer below my tips on how to deal with anger and other negative feelings in a constructive way. I hope they help.

And may we all be surrounded by quiet, appreciative people the next time we go to the theatre!

Tips for managing anger

1. Focus on things you can do something about

Although anger is a natural response in some situations, I still contend it is futile to get angry about things you can do nothing about. When we’re angry, we think in very black and white terms. We don’t make good decisions. Being blinded by rage may cause us to miss things that would help us out. Instead, focus on the things you can do something about. Last night there were delays on the train journey to the theatre. The later we became, the less time we had to get a bite to eat before the show. Instead of getting wound up and fulminating about the shortcomings of London Underground, I chose to absorb myself in my book. It worked.

2. Move away from the cause, physically

The second half of the play last night was better because I was sat further away from the group with which I’d had my contretemps. I was therefore able to focus my attention on what was happening on the stage. If there’s someone I can see is going to be trouble in a train carriage, I move to another carriage. This advice is more difficult to follow if the cause of your anger is your boss or a family member. But if you are wound up, it’s important to establish some distance between yourself and whatever it is that’s provoking you. We give time out to kids whose behaviour is inappropriate. Sometimes we may need to take time out ourselves. Even just stepping outside for a few minutes may give us the breathing space to deal with a situation differently.

3. Move away from the cause, psychologically

Focusing on the feeling of being angry, and accepting that you have these feelings, helps to shift your attention from what it is that made you angry. Often the anger dissipates as a result. I had a choice in the second half of the play last night: I could have brooded over the incident or I could accept it happened, and let it go. I chose the latter. There’s a sense of righteousness in anger sometimes that, to be honest, is quite attractive. But if the anger is costing us, it’s time to move on. Focus on being present, rather than on replaying scenarios in your mind.

4. Watch what you drink

Alcohol and anger are a dangerous mix. If you’ve got a difficult conversation to have with someone, it’s much better to have it sober. It may be tempting to think that a drink will give us the courage to say difficult things. The reality is that alcohol impairs our judgement.

5. Have some fun

It’s impossible to stay angry once you start to laugh. Lovers’ tiffs can be diffused quickly when one person makes the other one laugh. If you’re angry, and feel stuck, think back to the last time you really laughed. It’s probably more recent than you think. Try to remember what it is that made you laugh. The chances are you’ll find yourself laughing again as you recall it. And laughter is such a tonic.

Many of us lead lives where anger costs us energy. It may also cost us relationships, our job or our health. There are some practical things we can do to dissipate this anger and react constructively, whatever situation we find ourselves in. May you be cool this summer.

Great Expectations

I was talking to one of my friends over Christmas about his plans for January. He told me of a work project he was about to embark on. “I know it’s going to be a disaster,” he told me. He then went on to detail how those he was due to work with were going to let him down. He was convinced that January was going to be difficult. And do you know what? He was right.

What we expect to happen has an enormous bearing on what actually happens. I think it’s because our subconscious is tuned to signals that will back up our assumptions.

I imagine most of us have had times when we’ve gone to a party expecting no one to be interested in us. And what happens? Our subconscious detects others’ indifference to us, and it’s as if we’re invisible. On the other hand, when we go to a function expecting to have a good time and be liked, our subconscious will pick up the signs from others that they like us. This helps us to feel good about ourselves, reinforcing our sense of self-worth. People are drawn to us.

It isn’t magic, and nothing can prevent the external and sometimes painful events that challenge us; but our conscious image of the future has an enormous effect on our subconscious and all that it contains.

We can’t stop the way some things happen, but we can choose how we react, how we imagine and how we hope outcomes to be.

What do you foresee for 2008? Same old same old? A mediocre year? Or do you hope for good things? Great expectations!


How to expect the best for 2008, and make it happen

1. Be clear

It’s important to be as clear and precise as possible about what you are hoping for this year. If your goals are specific, you’re much more likely to realise them. In general, I like to go with the flow and trust that things will turn out well. In many areas of my life, I think that is fine, and it works. But in terms of my business goals for 2008, this week I’ve realised that I need to be specific. Without clear goals, the danger is that things will pretty much carry on as they are, when, in fact, in 2008 I want to see my business become even more established and successful than it is already.

2. Use milestones

Now that you’ve got your goals for 2008 clear in your mind, what are the milestones along the way? For me, the process of clarifying what I want to achieve in 2008 has made me focus on what I need to do each month in order to meet my goals. What are your milestones? What can you do to make sure you achieve them? Take one step at a time, and make those steps clear, realistic and manageable. A small but firm step is better than no step at all; or than one that is too big, demoralising us when we don’t make it.

3. Be accountable

The best way to make sure we do something is to be accountable for our actions. Part of the reason coaching works so well is that it provides a framework of accountability for people who want to change their lives. At the very least, write down your goals. Without a written record, they are likely to remain just a nebulous wish list. If you think it will help, share what you hope to achieve with a trusted friend. Alternatively give me a ring and arrange for a free initial consultation. I am happy to hold you to account so that you reach those goals. That’s my job, and I love it!

4. Affirm yourself

It’s important to give yourself positive messages. Resist any off-putting voices in your head that say you can’t do something and replace them with a message of encouragement. For example, if you find yourself thinking “I’m lazy and never make things happen”, try repeating to yourself “I have the determination and application to do this.” Repeat these affirmations as often as you can, and see what a positive difference they make.

5. Persevere

To be fulfilled in life means taking risks. Nothing will be achieved if you don’t act. I believe success comes in cycles. If things aren’t going well, believe that you will come through any difficulties. Keep going. Keep believing in yourself. May your great expectations for 2008 be met.