What might have been...

I found both the US presidential candidates' speeches in the early hours of November 5th moving. Barrack Obama was inspiring and gracious in victory, but it was John McCain's concession speech that was, for me, the most challenging. "I won't spend a moment of the future regretting what might have been," he said. Regrets form part of most of our lives. We wonder how things might have turned out if only we'd acted differently. We conjure up new, different outcomes in our mind. We think up witty ripostes we would have loved to use. But the reality is that we can't reverse the clock. We did what we did, and live with the consequences. Senator McCain's statement is poignant because he's right. There is no point wasting time and energy on regrets. We are where we are. The question is not "what could I have done to ensure I didn't arrive here?" The question is "what do I do now?" At best regrets are a distraction. At worst they paralyse us and compromise our chances of resolving things for the better. My challenge for this month is to catch yourself every time you're thinking wistfully about what could have been, about choices you could have made differently. When you find yourself in such a situation, say "stop", and consciously decide to bring yourself back to the present. What are you going to do now to resolve or improve the situation you find yourself in? I offer my own tips on dealing with regret below. I will try to follow them too. Like everybody else, I am prone to regrets. But my resolution is to be as big as John McCain. To lift my head high, and to face the road ahead with determination, courage and a lightness of spirit. I hope you can do the same.

Tips for dealing with regrets 1. Stop When you find yourself regretting what might have been, stop. If you've got your eyes closed, open them. Look at what's around you. If you're daydreaming, on a bus or plane, or, dare I say it, at work or school, bring yourself back to the present. Notice something about your environment. It may be the sound of the wind in the trees outside, or the clutter on your desk. Just find something that brings you back to the present, to where you are now. 2. Forget blame One of the most damaging forms of blame, I think, is to direct it at yourself. As equally destructive is blaming someone you love. If you've done something to hurt someone, or they've hurt you, blame is not helpful. Hold your tongue. Decide not to get into an argument. Don't beat yourself up, or, indeed, any of your loved ones. 3. Be kind Kindness unlocks so many doors. You may be smarting as a result of your actions, or those of someone you love. Kindness is the best way I know to make amends, to find constructive, helpful ways forward. 4. Look for solutions Whatever situation you find yourself in, looking for solutions is the key to doing something about it. Start with something small. What one thing can you do to make amends, to build bridges, to resolve things? Work out what it is, and do it. 5. Dare to dream Instead of using your imagination to rerun past scenarios, use it to see yourself reacting differently, positively and constructively next time you find yourself in a similar situation. Try to make these positive daydreams as vivid as possible. Use all the colour and texture you might have given to negative fantasies to illuminate your positive visualisations. This will unlock resources within you that you may not have known you had. It's natural to feel regret, but unhelpful to dwell on such feelings. Resolve to be big, to be strong. And practise doing things differently. Even if you've failed in something as big as running for the presidency of a great nation, you can still live the rest of your life well. Why not start today?