Keep your cool

Last night I lost my temper. I’m not easily riled, and over the years have taught myself not to get wound up by things I can do nothing about. I’m good at not letting transport delays get to me, for example. But last night I did get angry, and I expressed it.

The cause of my anger was a group of teenagers sitting next to us at the theatre. They were boisterous and in good spirits. But their constant backchat seemed to be pitched at a level designed to wind up those around them. I asked the young man next to me to stop talking soon after the show started. There were sarcastic comments about me, but it quietened down for a while. But the volume of their chatter built up again. The one with the loudest voice, who seemed to be egging the others on, was in the middle of the group. When I could take it no more, I rose from my seat, leant across the group and told him he would have to quieten down or else I would ask security to get him to leave the theatre.

This raised the temperature somewhat! There were now several indignant teenagers adamant that I’d invaded their space. The ruckus attracted the attention of the staff, who came over and made it quite clear that we’d all be asked to leave if this continued. The air was bad between the group and me. It was at this stage that I decided to withdraw and moved to a spare seat, some way away from the group. I’m sure this is what I should have done in the first place.

I’ve been playing over the incident in my head since. It’s pertinent because anger has been in the news here in London. A few weeks ago a teenage boy, Jimmy Mizzen, was murdered on a Saturday morning in a bakery. His family has made some extraordinarily impressive statements. They loved their son, and obviously miss him dreadfully, but they’ve chosen not to be angry, or to blame the government.

The Mizzens’ response to their son’s murder is beyond most of us. I spent some years trying to rise above anger, willing myself not to feel it as I thought it was a destructive emotion. Some of this was good: I’m pleased that I’ve taught myself to lose myself in a book when my train is delayed, for example. But I wonder if sometimes it led me to suppress emotions and become somewhat withdrawn.

Graham Price, a psychologist, whose seminar I recently attended, suggests that the best way to deal with anger, or indeed frustration, regret or guilt, is to accept we’re feeling it. Accept the feeling, rather than fight it. This positive acceptance of our feelings shifts our attention from the cause of the emotion to the feeling itself. One of the dangers of anger is that we can become stuck on what provoked it. Focusing on the feeling, acknowledging we’re angry and accepting it, helps move our attention away from the cause, so that we’re in a better frame of mind to decide what to do next. The danger of acting when we’re still hooked on the cause of our anger is that we often make bad decisions.

In retrospect it would have been better last night to move and get security at an earlier stage in the play, rather than let things get to the point they did. But I made my decisions, and I live with the consequences. The remainder of the first half of the play was a write-off for me: I was far too wound up to enjoy it. But in the interval I acknowledged my anger and decided that I wasn’t going to let it blight the second half too. I sat far away from the kids and was moved by the performance on the stage. I was glad I went to the theatre and learnt some valuable lessons.

I offer below my tips on how to deal with anger and other negative feelings in a constructive way. I hope they help.

And may we all be surrounded by quiet, appreciative people the next time we go to the theatre!

Tips for managing anger

1. Focus on things you can do something about

Although anger is a natural response in some situations, I still contend it is futile to get angry about things you can do nothing about. When we’re angry, we think in very black and white terms. We don’t make good decisions. Being blinded by rage may cause us to miss things that would help us out. Instead, focus on the things you can do something about. Last night there were delays on the train journey to the theatre. The later we became, the less time we had to get a bite to eat before the show. Instead of getting wound up and fulminating about the shortcomings of London Underground, I chose to absorb myself in my book. It worked.

2. Move away from the cause, physically

The second half of the play last night was better because I was sat further away from the group with which I’d had my contretemps. I was therefore able to focus my attention on what was happening on the stage. If there’s someone I can see is going to be trouble in a train carriage, I move to another carriage. This advice is more difficult to follow if the cause of your anger is your boss or a family member. But if you are wound up, it’s important to establish some distance between yourself and whatever it is that’s provoking you. We give time out to kids whose behaviour is inappropriate. Sometimes we may need to take time out ourselves. Even just stepping outside for a few minutes may give us the breathing space to deal with a situation differently.

3. Move away from the cause, psychologically

Focusing on the feeling of being angry, and accepting that you have these feelings, helps to shift your attention from what it is that made you angry. Often the anger dissipates as a result. I had a choice in the second half of the play last night: I could have brooded over the incident or I could accept it happened, and let it go. I chose the latter. There’s a sense of righteousness in anger sometimes that, to be honest, is quite attractive. But if the anger is costing us, it’s time to move on. Focus on being present, rather than on replaying scenarios in your mind.

4. Watch what you drink

Alcohol and anger are a dangerous mix. If you’ve got a difficult conversation to have with someone, it’s much better to have it sober. It may be tempting to think that a drink will give us the courage to say difficult things. The reality is that alcohol impairs our judgement.

5. Have some fun

It’s impossible to stay angry once you start to laugh. Lovers’ tiffs can be diffused quickly when one person makes the other one laugh. If you’re angry, and feel stuck, think back to the last time you really laughed. It’s probably more recent than you think. Try to remember what it is that made you laugh. The chances are you’ll find yourself laughing again as you recall it. And laughter is such a tonic.

Many of us lead lives where anger costs us energy. It may also cost us relationships, our job or our health. There are some practical things we can do to dissipate this anger and react constructively, whatever situation we find ourselves in. May you be cool this summer.