"I must also feel it as a man": letting go of resentment

I’ve been to Kenya twice for work in the last three weeks. The first time I was there I went to a fantastic salsa class in downtown Nairobi. The venue was a dive, but the teachers were excellent. I had fun, and learnt a lot. I was such a high as I went back to my hotel.

Sometime later that evening I realised that the person who had taken my payment for the class had short-changed me. He’d given me a Tanzanian 200 shilling coin, passing it off as Kenyan. The Tanzanian shilling is worth a tenth of the Kenyan one.

I kept this coin in my pocket for two weeks, and on my second visit to Kenya planned on going back to challenge the man who’d cheated me. The amount involved was trivial – 200 Kenyan shillings is less than the cost of a cup of coffee in London – but I felt mistreated and wanted to make my point.

But going to this second class was going to be a sweat: it takes place on Sunday afternoon; we were due to leave for the airport to fly home on Sunday evening. Despite the fact that it would have meant rushing back from the salsa venue to the hotel, missing dinner and flying home in the clothes I’d been dancing in, I was determined to do it.

But during the course of Sunday I sensed some disturbance within me at the prospect of what I had planned. I felt increasingly troubled about my motivation for wanting to go dancing. If I was honest, I wanted to prove a point to the man who’d given me the Tanzanian coin. As I thought about the alternative – having a leisurely afternoon and a relaxing dinner with Tony before leaving for the airport – I sensed a growing conviction that this was what I should do. I listened to my intuitions, followed them, and relaxed into the balm of letting go.

Sometimes it’s right to challenge others. But sometimes there is merit in letting things go, especially if they’re costing too much. As Eckhart Tolle suggests, when you are distressed, you should always ask yourself the question, “To what extent am I contributing to my own suffering?”

The presence of the coin in my pocket was testimony to the fact that I was holding on to my hurt at being short-changed. Tony and I ritually buried the coin deep in a nearby flowerbed. I felt relief rush in as a result.

The coin was a small, but tangible symbol of my attachment to proving my point. Many of us carry round much more powerful attachments to hurt and injustice. If the coins you’re carrying in your heart and mind stop you from living in the present, it’s time to get rid of them. Throw them away. Bury them. Let it go. Then feel the freedom.

Tips for letting go of anger or bitterness

1. Work out what it’s costing you

If you can tell someone who’s upset you about your reaction as soon as it happens, then great. But if you’re still seething days, weeks or even years later, your anger is probably hurting you more than it hurts the person who upset you. Ask yourself if you’re still gripped by any such resentment and what it might be costing you.

2. Feel it fully

One of the most powerful scenes from Macbeth is when Malcolm tells Macduff that his wife and children have been slaughtered by Macbeth. Malcolm suggests that Macduff “dispute it like a man”. Macduff’s response is heart-breaking: “I shall do so, but I must also feel it as a man”. By acknowledging your feelings, you move your attention away from whatever it is that is upsetting you. It helps to dissolve the solidity of the pain.

3. Decide when enough is enough

For most of us, time is a great healer; we feel things with less intensity as the weeks and months pass by. But some people hold on to pain with such tenacity that to hear them describe a past hurt you would think it happened to them yesterday, rather than years ago. I would say that if you’re still angry with someone a few days after something happened, then it has already cost you too much. It’s time to let it go.

4. Live in the moment

We can all use our imaginations to run fantasy conversations in our head about how we’re could have, or are going to bring someone down a peg or two. The best antidote to this pointless mental energy is to live in the present moment. Look around you; do something good. Notice the trees, hear the birds, taste your food.

5. Do something that makes you laugh

Laughter is such a good antidote to anger. You can’t be angry if you’re laughing. When did you last belly laugh? Remember a ridiculous situation, a funny show or someone who made you cackle. Even thinking about something you found funny can help connect you with the humour of it.

Life is too short to bear grudges. Toss those coins of resentment away. Live life in the now. Thrive in it to the full.

Think first, the feelings will follow

I’ve been taking salsa classes for about a year now. Usually I leave the club on such a high, the three or four hours I’ve been dancing having passed in a delightful whirling blur. Last week it was different. Having gone into the class full of confidence, my belief in my ability to dance, to hear the music and move in time to it drained away. An old croaky voice inside my head rose from its grave: ”You’re uncoordinated”; ”You’re no good at this”; “What a waste of time!”

It was as I was on my way home that I gave myself a good talking to. I firmly believe that if we’re feeling bad, it’s because we’re getting our thinking wrong, we’re giving ourselves the wrong messages. So if I was feeling bad, what was I thinking?

I was hooking my thoughts on the final minutes of the class when the dancing hadn’t gone so well. As I slipped into despondency about this, all memories of the times I’ve danced well, and really been in the swing, faded from my mind. I realised it was time for me to sideline my feelings and concentrate on getting my thinking right.

So I focused on two affirming beliefs: “I dance in time with the music” and “I enjoy salsa”. Like so much in life, I choose whether these statements are true or false: I can find evidence to support them or to disprove them; it’s up to me. So I chose to see the positive evidence to support them, and as I did so, my perception of the evening changed.

In fact it changed so much that when I got home, Tony said to me: “You must have had a good night”. I had. I had enjoyed my dancing, but perhaps more importantly, my experiences had reminded me of the situation that faces so many of those I coach, when they find their confidence oozing away. I’d practised what I preach, taken my own medicine, and it worked. You really can change the message. Don’t be fooled by your feelings. Get the thinking right, and your feelings will follow. And remember, you control what you think about. True or false? You choose.

Tips for getting the thinking right

1. Accept where you are

As soon as you notice that your thinking is not helpful, you’re most of the way there. By becoming aware of your thought patterns, you break their control over you. Be kind to yourself, recognise what you’re doing, and come into the now.

2. Use your senses

The best way I know to come into the now is through your senses. Feel the seat you’re sitting on, look out of the window and notice the clouds, listen to the sounds around you. As you do so, you’ll come into the present.

3. Choose the right messages

Turn those negative thoughts round, and rewrite the script. If you’re feeling that you’re always lost for words, for example, tell yourself that you find the right words. If your problem is that you panic, tell yourself that you’re calm.

4. Repeat the message

The time you should be working hardest on getting the message right is when it feels the most unbelievable. By repeating it to yourself, you start to remember instances when it was, indeed true. Keep going and you will overcome those inner voices of doubt. And then things are more likely to change for the better around you.

5. Enjoy the feelings

As sure as night follows day, if you get your thinking right, your feelings will follow.

Whenever you’re feeling bad, ask yourself “what am I thinking?” Get that thinking right, and you’ll be able to free yourself from negative emotions and fully enjoy life. Go out there and dance!

Growling your "r"s

It’s not easy to say the French word for clock. Horloge. Un horloge. To get it right, you have to growl that middle “r”. Horgrrrloge. Not easy for us English, though the Scots can probably give it a much better shot.

Last week I was in Dakar, the capital of Senegal, in West Africa, running a training course. It was an intense five-day experience, made all the more challenging by the fact that it was all conducted in French. I speak good French, having studied at a French school of engineering 20 years ago, but it’s well over 15 years since I worked in a French-speaking environment.

The course went well; the participants were delighted with what they learnt and enjoyed the experience of learning. But on the first morning, I was sometimes trailing off mid-sentence, unable to find the words to finish. More worrying, some of my words were getting stuck in my throat. Anything that had one of those “r”s in it was particularly problematic. I found myself becoming self-conscious and struggling with even the most basic words.

By the final day on Friday though I was perfectly at ease having a conversation with the group in French. I was particularly pleased with an off-the-cuff revision exercise we did just before lunch when I led the participants through a review of all they’d learnt in the pervious four days. I growled my “r”s beautifully.

I had learnt a handful of new words during the week, but most of the words I used in this impromptu revision exercise had already been there in my brain on the Monday morning, and long before. What happened as my confidence grew was that I was able to access them with greater ease.

In my work I meet many who struggle with self-belief. They are often very talented, but fail to fulfil their potential as a result of giving themselves the wrong sorts of messages. They lack the confidence to bring out and use all their talents. Deep down they know all the words. They can growl their “r”s, but they don’t believe they can.

So here’s how to draw on all those deep reservoirs of talent within you, and use your skills to the full:

1. Relax
There is a place for stress and adrenaline, but for me, being relaxed is crucial to performing well. To help me to relax, I find it helpful to concentrate on my breathing, making the out breath longer than the breath in. I also smile and make sure my shoulders and back are loose.

2. Use your imagination
Most of us have extraordinary imaginations. It shocks me when people recount in vivid detail how badly they imagine a situation is likely to turn out. They project themselves forward into the future, imagine others’ reactions and have fully blown conversations with them in their head. If this is you, stop! Instead of imagining things going badly, imagine instead things going well. See yourself finding the right words. Imagine others reacting positively to you. Use all the technicolour glory of your mind’s eye to see yourself succeeding.

3. Prepare
Preparation is everything. Positive thinking will only get you so far; you have to know what you are doing. Last week I went to great lengths to make sure I knew the course. I practised what I was going to say. All of the great performers will tell you that their success is down to self-belief, with a lot of hard work and preparation.

4. Stretch yourself
Standing up in front of a group running a training course may not be everybody’s idea of fun. But using your skills and talents to the full is intensely satisfying. Getting good at something, learning to master it, is vital to well-being and a key component of positive mental health. What challenges can you give yourself in the weeks ahead that will allow you to shine?

5. Give yourself the right messages
Henry Ford famously said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right”. Make sure you tell yourself that you can do it. Even if it’s outlandish, dare to tell yourself you can and will succeed.

I wish you success with your ventures. May you choose to do things that stretch you, that allow you to express more of the talents you have within you. Let your light shine. And growl those “r”s!