I’ve been to Kenya twice for work in the last three weeks. The first time I was there I went to a fantastic salsa class in downtown Nairobi. The venue was a dive, but the teachers were excellent. I had fun, and learnt a lot. I was such a high as I went back to my hotel.
Sometime later that evening I realised that the person who had taken my payment for the class had short-changed me. He’d given me a Tanzanian 200 shilling coin, passing it off as Kenyan. The Tanzanian shilling is worth a tenth of the Kenyan one.
I kept this coin in my pocket for two weeks, and on my second visit to Kenya planned on going back to challenge the man who’d cheated me. The amount involved was trivial – 200 Kenyan shillings is less than the cost of a cup of coffee in London – but I felt mistreated and wanted to make my point.
But going to this second class was going to be a sweat: it takes place on Sunday afternoon; we were due to leave for the airport to fly home on Sunday evening. Despite the fact that it would have meant rushing back from the salsa venue to the hotel, missing dinner and flying home in the clothes I’d been dancing in, I was determined to do it.
But during the course of Sunday I sensed some disturbance within me at the prospect of what I had planned. I felt increasingly troubled about my motivation for wanting to go dancing. If I was honest, I wanted to prove a point to the man who’d given me the Tanzanian coin. As I thought about the alternative – having a leisurely afternoon and a relaxing dinner with Tony before leaving for the airport – I sensed a growing conviction that this was what I should do. I listened to my intuitions, followed them, and relaxed into the balm of letting go.
Sometimes it’s right to challenge others. But sometimes there is merit in letting things go, especially if they’re costing too much. As Eckhart Tolle suggests, when you are distressed, you should always ask yourself the question, “To what extent am I contributing to my own suffering?”
The presence of the coin in my pocket was testimony to the fact that I was holding on to my hurt at being short-changed. Tony and I ritually buried the coin deep in a nearby flowerbed. I felt relief rush in as a result.
The coin was a small, but tangible symbol of my attachment to proving my point. Many of us carry round much more powerful attachments to hurt and injustice. If the coins you’re carrying in your heart and mind stop you from living in the present, it’s time to get rid of them. Throw them away. Bury them. Let it go. Then feel the freedom.
Tips for letting go of anger or bitterness
1. Work out what it’s costing you
If you can tell someone who’s upset you about your reaction as soon as it happens, then great. But if you’re still seething days, weeks or even years later, your anger is probably hurting you more than it hurts the person who upset you. Ask yourself if you’re still gripped by any such resentment and what it might be costing you.
2. Feel it fully
One of the most powerful scenes from Macbeth is when Malcolm tells Macduff that his wife and children have been slaughtered by Macbeth. Malcolm suggests that Macduff “dispute it like a man”. Macduff’s response is heart-breaking: “I shall do so, but I must also feel it as a man”. By acknowledging your feelings, you move your attention away from whatever it is that is upsetting you. It helps to dissolve the solidity of the pain.
3. Decide when enough is enough
For most of us, time is a great healer; we feel things with less intensity as the weeks and months pass by. But some people hold on to pain with such tenacity that to hear them describe a past hurt you would think it happened to them yesterday, rather than years ago. I would say that if you’re still angry with someone a few days after something happened, then it has already cost you too much. It’s time to let it go.
4. Live in the moment
We can all use our imaginations to run fantasy conversations in our head about how we’re could have, or are going to bring someone down a peg or two. The best antidote to this pointless mental energy is to live in the present moment. Look around you; do something good. Notice the trees, hear the birds, taste your food.
5. Do something that makes you laugh
Laughter is such a good antidote to anger. You can’t be angry if you’re laughing. When did you last belly laugh? Remember a ridiculous situation, a funny show or someone who made you cackle. Even thinking about something you found funny can help connect you with the humour of it.
Life is too short to bear grudges. Toss those coins of resentment away. Live life in the now. Thrive in it to the full.
