Choose freedom. Now.

I was sad to read earlier this year of the death of Stephen Covey.  His Seven Habits of Highly Effective People had a profound effect on me when I first read it.  I have since striven to live out each of the eponymous traits, and help those I coach to see the wisdom of Covey’s teaching too.  His death set me thinking about the books that have had the most influence on my views on how people tick, and how to get on with others.  This Christmas season I want to share with you the books that have helped me the most.  But first more on Stephen Covey.

The most important insight I took from my first reading of Seven Habits was Covey’s observation that between the circumstances that come our way and our reaction to them, we have the freedom to choose.  Some say that we behave in certain ways because of our genetics, inheritance or environment; that we have no choice in how we respond.  Covey has no time for this view.  We choose our response to whatever situation we’re in.  The choice may be a habit, to have drink, say, in the early evening, and they may well be very hardened and difficult to break.  But it is still a choice. 

I find this view frightening, and empowering.  It was the first time I’d come across someone who put it so starkly.  I remember thinking to myself at the time, “So Covey’s saying that you don’t have to allow yourself to get wound up when someone presses your buttons”.  Yes, that is exactly what he is saying.  The more you focus on the things you can do something about, which always include your reactions, the more empowered you become.

Covey’s teaching was reinforced when I read the excellent Choice Theory by William Glasser.  In his decades of practice as a psychiatrist, Glasser found that helping people to realise they had choices in how they react to other people, and enabling them to focus on their own behaviour, rather than attempts to control others, paved the way to better relationships, health and freedom.

Then I read Eckart Tolle and realised that I’d found a unifying philosophy for all these insights into successful human relationships and wellbeing.  Tolle’s teaching is about living in the moment (his first book is The Power of Now), accepting what is, and freedom from the tyranny of what he calls “psychological time”.  He speaks of our tendency to agonise over the past or fret over future phantoms, when the truest liberty and enjoyment of life comes from living in the only place we can ever be alive, the Now.

So as Christmas approaches, I share these three excellent books on psychological wellbeing, as well as paying tribute to Stephen Covey, who started me thinking about this way of seeing the world.  Maybe you will choose one of them as your New Year reading.  And if you want help putting any of it into practice, why not call me to set up an initial coaching session.  I’m offering the initial hour’s telephone session at half price (£37.50) for new clients in January.

May Stephen Covey rest in peace.  May you find freedom in choice, thriving in the present, and a Christmas full of cheer.

Keep calm and carry on

“I will not get angry today” is one of the principles of Reiki.  I remember when I first came across this instruction that it struck me as odd.  How could you not get angry today: you didn’t know what was going to happen?  I feared that the will not to get angry might lead to repression, the bottling up of true emotion.  And if people didn’t get angry, how would the world be changed?

Over the last decade I’ve come to realise the wisdom of this teaching.  Not getting angry isn’t about repressing feelings, it’s about realising how much more control we have over our emotions than we might think.

“The last ten months were the happiest of her life,” said Gordon, the husband of my friend Jean, soon after she died a few weeks ago.  He explained how she lived with calm serenity and dignity, accepting the fact that she was dying of cancer, rather than fighting it.  She was full of thanksgiving for life, right up to the end, even when she lost her sight and was totally dependent on Gordon.

As far as I know, Jean was a Christian, but she seems to have found the enlightenment Buddhists describe as the end of suffering.  Such serenity comes from total acceptance of what is.  Instead of fighting her cancer, she gave into it.  Her universe retreated to the space around her bed, the radio and the voice of her beloved husband as he read to her.  She didn’t get angry that her life had been cut short.  She found the wonder that comes from being in the moment.  Through dying she became more fully alive.

In my quest to live in the moment, I’m trying to learn to accept whatever happens.  I’m pretty patient, and don’t get flustered easily, but individuals do sometimes rile me.  At such times I feel anger welling up.  Whenever I express this, I realise how much I dislike being out of control, even for a few seconds.  When you’re angry, you lose the ability to see things in perspective. Your sense of humour goes.  Your world contracts.

I’m convinced the alternative to anger is acceptance, and that there’s a paradox: it’s not until we’ve totally accepted what is, that we can truly change things.  Sure righteous anger might make us feel as if we’re making things happen, but in reality, after things have calmed down, how much has really changed, and at what cost?

So when next I feel my ire rising, I hope that I will remember Jean, and accept what is.  I will not get angry today.

Five tips for keeping calm

1. Focus on the present

So much current strife is fed by past resentment and hurt.  Come back to the present, and it’s much easier to be calm.

2. Breathe deeply

A metaphorical and literal deep breath helps.  When our nephew has a tantrum, his parents take him for time out.  This gives him a chance to calm down.  By taking a deep breath before things get out of hand, we create space for ourselves to let things pass.

3. Accept what is

Whether it’s something that is ultimately trivial, such as a delayed train, or a happening as momentous as a diagnosis of terminal illness, accepting what is helps us to remain positive, creative and in the moment.  It means we don’t waste energy moaning.  It helps us to find serenity.

4. Be thankful

Listing the things we’ve got to be thankful for is a great way to change our mindset.  It shifts our focus from what’s missing, to what’s present, and helps us to realise just how little we do truly need for happiness.

5. Look out

Looking out to the world around us helps us to widen our focus.  So we might notice the beauty in the light on the leaves of a tree.  It helps us to regain a sense of perspective.

Next time you find yourself getting angry, stop.  Take a deep breath, step back and remember you can choose to remain serene.  Draw on that tranquility, and face whatever life throws at you with a smile.  Keep calm; and carry on.

Be extraordinary

The Olympics have helped people all over the UK to do things they wouldn’t normally do.  From the millions who lined the route of the torch relay as it criss-crossed the country, to the tens of thousands who’ve worked as volunteers, the Games have been the catalyst for extraordinary change.  Change in mood, change in behaviour, a summer sun of positivity seems to have risen and shines brightly all around.  Voices call out to welcome, council workfolk stand at junctions helping people across the street, making jokes that only the British can do as they go.  Londoners are even speaking to each other on the Underground!  So stepping up and doing something different, and maybe just a shade challenging to our normal way of life shows us how good it is to break free, and be a bit different.

From the moment it was announced the Games were coming to London, we were both clear that we wanted to be involved.  Neither of us is particularly interested in sport, nor have we ever really paid much attention to past Games, but the opportunity to be part of the welcome that London is providing to the rest of the world was something we wanted to share in.

Adam has been working at the Wimbledon tennis and Tony at the Olympic Park Velodrome.  We’ve both been at the centre of high drama and of British success.  We’ve felt so proud going out each day in our Games Maker uniforms.  Whenever we’ve had the purple and red kit on, people have smiled and engaged with us in ways they wouldn’t ordinarily do. Tony was even asked at the Olympic Park if he could fix the water problem in the women’s toilets.

Doing something out of the ordinary has been profoundly good for us.  It’s brought us into contact with other volunteers; both those we worked with and those we met on our journeys to and from the venues.  It’s engaged us with our neighbours in new ways.  Rather like having a dog or a new baby in a pushchair, complete strangers come up and start chatting.  And it’s led to Adam becoming interested in tennis and Tony in cycle racing!

It’s easy to go through life always doing what you always do.  As we get older we develop habits and routines, many of which become quite comfortable, but possibly mundane.  Once in a while it’s good to step out of the ordinary.

What can you do over the coming weeks and months that you wouldn’t ordinarily do?  Commit yourself to the goal of doing it and make it happen.  Make a change.  Go for your own gold.  Be extraordinary.

How we can help you to be extraordinary

Leadership tips from the Queen

We stood with tens of thousands of others cheering the Queen as she waved from  the balcony of Buckingham Palace beneath the red, white and blue smoke plumes of the Red Arrows’ flypast. Whatever we think about the monarchy, there is something solid, resilient and determined in the character of Elizabeth. She has led the nation, and we have experienced resolute leadership from her for over 60 years.

The tributes paid to our Queen as she celebrates her Diamond Jubilee got me thinking about the qualities that make her a good leader. How do these qualities and skills translate to the many people whom we support to improve their leadership abilities?

It’s a real joy when you see a good leader at work. The demands of organisations, commerce and politics cry out for such people. Here are our thoughts on what makes a good leader.

Constancy
The Queen is a fantastic example of this. You would never know if she started the day in a bad mood. In public she is always the same. Good leaders never allow frustrations or dramas from their personal lives to affect the way they relate to others. There is no room for moodiness and unpredictability of temperament in leadership. You can admit and speak of an annus horribilis, but you stay with your job, with your people, and you get it done.

Commitment
When she became Queen at the remarkably young age of 25, Elizabeth made a promise to serve the country for the rest of her life, a job she has done tirelessly since then. She shows every sign of seeing this promise through to the end. Those who inspire others are utterly committed to their causes.

Concern
We know less about the Queen’s relations with those who work for and with her. But a good leader we’ve been lucky to work with this year is genuinely concerned about the welfare of his staff. This doesn’t mean he’s a pushover; he is clear about what the limits of acceptable behaviour are. But you can see that he wants the best for all those in the organisation.

Confidence
True confidence shines through in the best leaders. They don’t need to assert their authority by having fancy titles. They know what they need to do to make their organisation flourish. They do it with style, with very little noise, and absolutely no belittling or contempt for others.

Cheerfulness
People follow and respect those who make them feel good. Those who are grumpy or cranky drain us of energy. In contrast leaders are positive people who see the best in others. Everyone the Queen meets goes away feeling better for the encounter.
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None of these qualities will come easily all the time; some won’t come at all on occasion. But if you lead, or aspire to, then embed these thoughts in your mind:

I am constant
I am committed
I am concerned
I am confident
I am cheerful…

… and see the effect on your behaviour, and in the reactions of those around you.
You may not ever stand on a balcony and receive the deserved and loud affection of thousands. But, be a good leader, and your jubilee will surely come.

See our website for details of how we can help you to succeed in your career.

Disappointment in Marrakech

We count ourselves so lucky, so privileged to have the lives we do, and generally take an optimistic view, even in these troubled times.  But last month we went on holiday to somewhere that, in retrospect, we shouldn’t have chosen as a destination.  Our time there was made all the more disappointing as we missed a wonderful week of weather in London, and had pretty miserable weather where we were.  It proved to be a real test of our ability to practise what we preach about accepting what happens and being happy in the moment.

I’d like to share my five tips for dealing with disappointment.

1. Watch your language

When something doesn’t work out, it’s tempting to use dramatic language to describe it.  In my first draft of the opening paragraph of this article, for example, I used the word “awful” to describe the weather where we were.  It wasn’t awful, it just wasn’t very good.  You may get laughs (or even sympathy) by exaggerating, but it doesn’t help you to accept the situation.  Whenever you find yourself tempted to use hyperbole, catch yourself and use less emotive terms.

2. Use your senses

Wherever you find yourself, use your senses to connect with the reality of where you are.  What can you see when you look around you?  What can you hear and smell?  Coming into the present is a means of making friends with whatever situation you find yourself in.  Where we were for example, we found some beautiful gardens, and just sat there, listening to the birds, drinking aromatic coffee, watching the vivid greenery sway in the light breezes.

3. Don’t go on about it

I’ve waited a month before writing this article.  Enough time needed to pass so that writing this wouldn’t cost me emotionally.  If you’ve had a bad experience, maybe it’s not a good idea to start blogging about it, or writing critical reviews on Trip Advisor straightaway.  As you let things go, they have less power over you.

4. Leave

If you don’t like something and you can leave, do just it.  Last year we chose a number of bad plays at the theatre.  We walked out of two of them within minutes of their starting, rather than subject ourselves to watching unpleasant characters acting out unpleasant situations for the following two hours.  TVs and radios have off switches too!

5. Remember that this too will pass

Whatever situation you find yourself in, it won’t last forever.  Reminding yourself of the transitory nature of whatever you’re doing can help you not to get stuck in it.  Try just saying to yourself “This too will pass”; and, of course, it will!

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Next time you face disappointment, try using some of these techniques.  If they don’t work, try going on holiday!

Turn all your luck into good: embrace your hap

This week I found out that the word happy was linked to the old English word hap, meaning chance or fortune. A happy person is someone who enjoys good hap.

You can take this further: I would say that happiness comes from responding positively to the hap in life.

No matter how well we plan, things happen to us and around us over which we have no control. How we react to these happenings determines our level of contentment. Do we fight them, railing against life, or accept them, letting them be?

My conviction is that positive acceptance of whatever happens around us keeps us sane. We are better agents for change if we have first accepted the reality of where we are.

Yesterday when I was cycling to work when I was forced to take a different route because a road was blocked by a van, the driver of which had got into a slanging match with a cyclist who’d accused him of cutting him up. Rather than engage with this incident, I turned off my route to avoid the negative energy (and blockage) they’d created. On this road I don’t ordinarily cycle down I was amazed to pass Lauren, a friend I’d lost touch with and hadn’t seen for months, as she walked to work. By adapting to circumstances I had a fortuitous encounter.

I know that the hardships that many people face are much more costly than simply changing route. And yet the testimony of those who embrace whatever situation they’re in, rather than fighting it, is that acceptance is the path to peace. Paulo Coelho, a political prisoner in his native Brazil in the 1960s and ‘70s, writes of the power he had over his torturers through his acceptance of the pain they inflicted on him. By accepting it, the power shifted, so that he had power over his torturers rather than they over him.

And there are those who meet the news of their diagnosis with terminal disease with serenity, and say that their disease was the best thing that ever happened to them. It helps you to live in the moment and to enjoy the pleasures that every day brings, if only you’re open to them.

I am lucky never to have faced the hardships I’ve just described. But I hope that the daily practice of accepting where I am and what is happening will give me that inner strength I so admire in others.

Whatever happenstance brings our way, may we all act with grace, and find the happiness that comes from embracing our hap.

Tips for happening happily

1. Become aware

When you find yourself reacting negatively to a situation, become aware of what you’re doing. Notice how your face becomes flushed and your breathing shallower. By stepping outside yourself and observing your reaction, you loosen its power over you.

2. Take a deep breath

A metaphorical, as well as physical, deep breath gives you the space to realise that you have a choice as to what to do next. Just because someone’s pushed your buttons, taking just a split second just to be can give you the space you need to choose your reaction.

3. Recognise you have choices

Perhaps you’re locked into a pattern of relating with somebody, or a habitual way of thinking. Remind yourself that you have a choice about how you react.

4. Be kind to yourself

Don’t beat yourself up if you react in a way that you later come to regret. Learn from it. Perhaps you would have reacted differently if you’d been less hungry or stressed? Or if you’d had less to drink? What can you do next time to make it more likely that you’ll react constructively.

5. Practise being still

The more you learn to create space in your life and in your thoughts, the more present you become. From time to time switch off the physical noise around you, be it your Facebook feed, the radio, your phone. As you create silence in the world, you leave space for silence in your head.

If you would like help learning new ways of thinking to help you to make the most of who you are, visit my website.

Be delighted by the unexpected

Like many people, at New Year I review the year that’s just gone and set myself goals for the year to come. I got a shock when I looked at the 8 goals I set for myself this time last year: I had achieved none of them! And yet I’d had a fabulous 2011. One of the highlights was delivering a five-day training course in French, possibly the biggest professional challenge of my career to date. It was a great success and led to two more similar contracts. But as I planned my year back in January 2011 I could never have predicted it.

So goal setting is good for establishing the direction in which you intend to travel. But sometimes our journeys take a different path; then pre-set goals cannot always take account of changing circumstances. My daily and weekly practice of setting goals is invaluable; the review and accountability I have to myself help to keep me on track. But one of the joys of life is being open to the unexpected, to those serendipitous encounters or to the whispered but insistent appeal of your intuitions.

So be kind to yourself if you didn’t achieve all you set out to do in 2011. By all means imagine how you’d like your life to be in 12 months’ time. But make sure that you remain open to the present, to the now; that is the only place where you ever actually are; and where the real joy of the your journey will thrill and fulfil you.

Happy New Year.

Have a look at some my past articles in dealing with the unexpected:

Go with the flow

Living in the moment