“I will not get angry today” is one of the principles of Reiki. I remember when I first came across this instruction that it struck me as odd. How could you not get angry today: you didn’t know what was going to happen? I feared that the will not to get angry might lead to repression, the bottling up of true emotion. And if people didn’t get angry, how would the world be changed?
Over the last decade I’ve come to realise the wisdom of this teaching. Not getting angry isn’t about repressing feelings, it’s about realising how much more control we have over our emotions than we might think.“The last ten months were the happiest of her life,” said Gordon, the husband of my friend Jean, soon after she died a few weeks ago. He explained how she lived with calm serenity and dignity, accepting the fact that she was dying of cancer, rather than fighting it. She was full of thanksgiving for life, right up to the end, even when she lost her sight and was totally dependent on Gordon.
As far as I know, Jean was a Christian, but she seems to have found the enlightenment Buddhists describe as the end of suffering. Such serenity comes from total acceptance of what is. Instead of fighting her cancer, she gave into it. Her universe retreated to the space around her bed, the radio and the voice of her beloved husband as he read to her. She didn’t get angry that her life had been cut short. She found the wonder that comes from being in the moment. Through dying she became more fully alive.
In my quest to live in the moment, I’m trying to learn to accept whatever happens. I’m pretty patient, and don’t get flustered easily, but individuals do sometimes rile me. At such times I feel anger welling up. Whenever I express this, I realise how much I dislike being out of control, even for a few seconds. When you’re angry, you lose the ability to see things in perspective. Your sense of humour goes. Your world contracts.
I’m convinced the alternative to anger is acceptance, and that there’s a paradox: it’s not until we’ve totally accepted what is, that we can truly change things. Sure righteous anger might make us feel as if we’re making things happen, but in reality, after things have calmed down, how much has really changed, and at what cost?
So when next I feel my ire rising, I hope that I will remember Jean, and accept what is. I will not get angry today.
Five tips for keeping calm
1. Focus on the present
So much current strife is fed by past resentment and hurt. Come back to the present, and it’s much easier to be calm.
2. Breathe deeply
A metaphorical and literal deep breath helps. When our nephew has a tantrum, his parents take him for time out. This gives him a chance to calm down. By taking a deep breath before things get out of hand, we create space for ourselves to let things pass.
3. Accept what is
Whether it’s something that is ultimately trivial, such as a delayed train, or a happening as momentous as a diagnosis of terminal illness, accepting what is helps us to remain positive, creative and in the moment. It means we don’t waste energy moaning. It helps us to find serenity.
4. Be thankful
Listing the things we’ve got to be thankful for is a great way to change our mindset. It shifts our focus from what’s missing, to what’s present, and helps us to realise just how little we do truly need for happiness.
5. Look out
Looking out to the world around us helps us to widen our focus. So we might notice the beauty in the light on the leaves of a tree. It helps us to regain a sense of perspective.
Next time you find yourself getting angry, stop. Take a deep breath, step back and remember you can choose to remain serene. Draw on that tranquility, and face whatever life throws at you with a smile. Keep calm; and carry on.
