Taking offence

I love Pret a Manger.  It’s partly for the food, but mainly for the friendliness and helpfulness of the staff.  I witnessed an amazing example of customer service at my local branch this week.  A man had bought a soup for his lunch and was upset that the container was not full, and that the soup was not hot.  The server was apologetic and offered to change the soup free of charge, right away.  But this did not appease the man.  He was aggrieved and wanted to make a scene, which he proceeded to do.  The server remained engaged and warm, taking the force of the man’s rant.  Eventually, he lowered his head so that his eyes were on the same level as the customer’s and said “what would you like me to do to make you happy?”

It was clear that the man didn’t want to be made happy.  He wanted to be affronted.  He had taken offence.

So many relationships are blighted because one of the parties takes offence.  And like the man at Pret a Manger, sometimes the offended would rather have their indignation than restitution.

We’re good at telling kids not to rise to the bait of those who taunt them, but sometimes we need to heed this advice ourselves.  Most slights between friends, partners and relatives are unintentional.  But, even if someone has wounded you intentionally, isn’t it still best to let it wash over you, and move on?  You cannot change the past.  What’s done is done.  What you can control is your reaction.  Make this something that you’re proud of, rather than something that demeans you and the other.

Tips for rising above provocation

1.         Don’t go there

If you know someone or something is going to cause you offence, why expose yourself to it?  Many of us like the feeling of indignation – if we didn’t, some newspapers would go out of business – but, honestly, do such feelings build you up or drain your spirit?  If it’s the latter, don’t put yourself in situations where you’re going to be hurt.  This may mean stopping buying that newspaper, or reading that website.  You alone will know.

2.         Take a deep breath

A metaphorical and literal deep breath is the cure for many ills.  It creates space, the space in which you can become aware of the fact that your reaction is more under your control than you perhaps think.

3.         Let it go

Many of us like to be right, or to be proved right.  But at what cost?  If your reaction is going to damage a relationship, isn’t it worth letting go…?

4.         Choose your reaction

With practice you can learn to choose a constructive reaction to whatever provocation you encounter.  My weakness is when people talk in the cinema; I tend to let my anger well up until my words come out with more force and emotion than is actually necessary.  Tony is very good at going over to those making a noise and calmly asking them to stop talking or leave.

5.         Let it be

Acceptance of what has happened is, I would argue, the only sane response.  A person has slighted you?  So what?  It’s gone.  Let it be.  Move on.

My fellow customer eventually sat down to eat his soup, somewhere he could have been without getting so wound up.  May you discover the power that comes from not taking offence, and rising above whatever may rile you.

The Iron Lady: yes or no?

Margaret Thatcher was a politician who believed that individuals should take responsibility for themselves and for their families.  She was a highly divisive figure, and no matter what we think of her, she transformed the UK.  Despite some of the deep reservations and even hatred of her from some quarters, is there something though that we can learn from her view of life?  I think so.

She thought it was futile to render ourselves inert by blaming others for the situation we find ourselves in; that it was unhealthy, except in the most profoundly difficult circumstances, to expect the state to look after you.  She was harsh; she was abrupt; and sometimes not very good at getting her message across.  It was this lack of empathy, for colleagues and for those adversely affected by the changes she brought about, that eventually led to her downfall.  But.  Think about it, and was not the basic tenet of her belief, that we should and can take responsibility for ourselves, sound?

It is at the heart of our approach to coaching, and helps us to help those we coach to change their lives for the better.  You can talk about your past experiences and traumas as long as you like, but you cannot change what has been.  It diminishes you and drains your vital energies to blame the past for your shortcomings.

You have choices about what you think, what you say and how you behave.  And the only time they take place is not yesterday, not tomorrow, but now.

The starting point for all change is total acceptance of the present.  Things may not be as you would like them to be, but they are as they are.  From this acceptance grows the ability to move on from blame, of yourself or of others, and take responsibility, for your thoughts, your words, your actions.

Thatcher won elections in part by appealing to those who wanted to better themselves.  Whatever you believe about her, what one thing can you do today to demonstrate to yourself that you take responsibility for your own life?

When challenged over a certain controversial issue, the so-called Iron Lady once famously said No, No No!  To this challenge – to live your life in control, with confidence, with responsibility, today – why don’t you say Yes, Yes, Yes?

Find out more about changing your life for the better on our website.