The cool heart

One of the things that Tony and I train people in is negotiation.  I know the theory.  I also know that it’s hard always to put it into practice in my personal life, especially if it’s in the context of a conversation with someone close to me, on a topic I feel strongly about.  I sometimes get it wrong, passionately arguing my case, in the mistaken belief that this is what persuades people to change.  And yet I know that all the research tells me this is precisely what I shouldn’t do if I want to influence people.

I’m working at following the rules, which are so simple.

1. Don’t react

When somebody says or does something that offends you, or with which you disagree, take a moment.  A friend, who was dealing with erratic and unreasonable behaviour from his wife, told me that a wise old friend had taught him the idea of the “cool heart” – that is remaining calm, even perhaps slightly detached, while the other person rants and raves.  It’s hard, and takes practice and patience, especially when the unreasonable party finds your not being drawn into an argument further grounds for taking offence.  But he tells me that his cool heart has worked for him and, I think, has saved his marriage.  It’s natural to want to hit back when we feel ourselves, or principles we hold dear, are under attack.  I can sense the adrenaline rising when I think back to times when I’ve had to deal with unreasonable behaviour or demands, yet I know that the times I’ve dealt with things best have been those when I’ve stayed calm and managed my reaction.

2. Create space

Even one deep breath is sometimes all that is needed to give you the space to find a constructive way through.  It allows you to gather your thoughts and to come into the present.  If you can take two or three deep breaths, all the better.  You will start to feel the adrenaline subside, which puts you in a better position to continue your conversation.

3. Reflect the other person’s emotions to them

This is an old trick that Tony used to use to calm people down when he was in the police.  Saying “you seem very angry about that” is a wonderful way of defusing anger.   Try it next time someone has a go at you, or has a diatribe in your presence.

4. Ask questions

This is the key to finding agreement.  You’ve got to find out what is below the surface issues you’re dealing with.  To do this, you need to really listen.  Your tone of voice, as much as your words, is important here.  I find asking “what is it that really concerns you?” helps in this context.  Once you’ve had your first answer, keep on asking more to get to the bottom of whatever the issue is.  The most powerful final question is “is there anything else?”  This really helps the other person to feel that they’ve been listened to and understood.

5. Seek compromise

It’s become a bit of a cliché to talk about win-win situations, but this should be the goal of all negotiation, whether it’s about what time your kids come home in the evening or ridding the world of nuclear weapons.  If you’ve understood the other person’s interests, you can work on finding the common ground between you.

I know the theory of this.  I try my best to put it into practice, some times with more success than others.  May we all find the way of the cool heart, and realise the power that comes from seeking understanding, rather than asserting our version of the truth.

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You're so annoying

I was mightily relieved that government proposals to outlaw conduct “capable of causing nuisance or annoyance to any person” have now been dropped.  Different people find different things annoying.  I may find chart music irritating and appreciate contemporary art.  Others will be the opposite.  I value living in a democracy that has space for Britain's Got Talent (annoying, for me), and Damien Hurst (good, for me).

But the debate got me thinking about my threshold for annoyance, and how I should react to things that get my goat.

I subscribe to the idea that we can create a gap between the thing that prompts our irritation, and our reaction to it.  This may be a lifetime’s work, but it should be possible not to get annoyed, no matter the provocation.

This doesn’t mean pretending I’m not annoyed when I plainly am.  It’s about taking a split second, that gap, to see that I’m getting wound up, recognise this, and in a way step outside it, look in, and say to myself: “there’s Adam getting wound up”.  This then takes my attention off the annoyance and brings me back to the present.  Which is where we need to be.

My belief that this is the right thing to do comes from my observation of the consequences of words and actions that arise from annoyance; they rarely promote harmony, and all too often lead to clashes.  They may be understandable, but they aren’t constructive.  But more importantly, getting annoyed just costs me too much energy.

This is a hard path to take, and those closest to me will know that I don’t always follow it, but it’s where I’d like to go.  Perhaps if more of us chose it, the question as to whether we need laws to protect us from annoyance wouldn’t even arise.

Tips for overcoming annoyance

1. Observe your reaction

The moment you look at yourself, rather than the cause of your annoyance, you break its power over you.  Say to yourself, “I can see I’m getting annoyed”.

2. Laugh at it

I have a tendency towards earnestness, which can lead to me getting upset.  The best way to make sure this doesn’t happen is to find myself amusing.  Don’t take yourself too seriously.

3. Recognise that this too will pass

A whining child, someone whose politics you disagree with, an oaf or a bore.  The experience of these can try you.  But, they will pass.  And you move on.  It’s under your control.

4. Create space

If someone is talking noisily on their mobile phone in your vicinity, and it’s annoying you, just move away.  Change carriages if you’re on a train, and then let it go.  Don’t, for their sake, burden the person you’re about to meet with a rant about it later.  That will do neither you, nor they any good.  And it certainly won’t affect that git with the phone.

5. Be kind to yourself

If you do find yourself getting annoyed, it’s not the end of the world.  Accept that this is what’s happened, let it go and move on.  With practice it becomes easier.

So I thank the House of Lords for throwing out this proposed piece of legislation.  Perhaps I should also thank the politicians who suggested it.  My reaction prompted me to think.  I hope you don’t find my musings annoying!

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Spoilt for choice, spoiled by choice

Over the last few years Tony and I have spent a lot of time in hotels.  We’ve run training courses and conferences from Hanoi to Washington DC.  Many of the hotels we stay at offer self-service buffets.  At times I find the array of food on offer to be overwhelming.  I am prone to thinking that perhaps I’ve not made the right choice – that something else may be better than what I’ve got on my plate.  This is so unhelpful – it detracts from the enjoyment of whatever it is I’m eating right in front of me, when I’m wondering what the fare I’ve left back on the buffet may be like.

My challenge at a meal with so many choices is to believe in those I make, and trust that they are the right ones.  In fact, whether or not they are right choices is immaterial: they’re the ones I’ve made.  I try to focus on what I’m eating, taste it, smell it, enjoy it; and bring my thoughts back to these senses when my mind wanders to the other distant tasty morsels on offer.

Life is like this too.  We all have an array of choices, yet at any given time, the reality of what we’re doing at that instant is all we have.  It’s unhelpful to wonder “what if?”.  Fantasising about how our life might be had we chosen different paths may be interesting; but it’s ultimately futile.  When you’re tempted to think about how green that proverbial grass might be on the other side, it’s time to take notice, accept, and, if possible, rejoice in where you are now.  The present is the only reality we really have.  Make the most of it, and when life’s buffet beckons, don't be spoiled by choice.

Tips for being happier with what you have

1. Rid yourself of future fantasies

Lots of self-help books urge you to imagine the future as you’d like it to be.  You’re supposed to dream a better reality into being.  I’m all for being positive, and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, and it’s good to plan for the future.  But it’s not helpful to dwell on the fantasy that if only you had that partner, that job or that house, then things would be OK.  You are where you are.  By all means work to make things better, but remember that change becomes sustained if it comes from a place of acceptance of the present.

2. Watch yourself

The most powerful way to stop feelings and emotions from taking you over is to observe yourself.  Be the Watcher.  Without judgement, notice that you’re envious, angry or disappointed.  This takes your attention away from the source of your dissatisfaction and helps you to be calm.

3. Consciously breathe

I recite “breathing in I calm my body; breathing out I smile” whenever I remember.  It’s particularly helpful when I’m agitated as it brings me back to the present and creates space to react constructively to things.

4. Let the Joneses be

It really isn’t helpful to compare yourself to other people.  There will always be others who are more successful, richer, better known.  And even if you do compare yourself to others, you don’t know what’s really going on behind their perfect façade.  They probably find buffets difficult too!

5. Work on your level of enough

The lower your level of enough, the happier you will be.  This isn’t an invitation to mediocrity, it’s just a fact.  Yes our economy depends on people wanting more, and we are urged on every side to attain it.  But our spiritual and mental wellbeing depends on less being more.  We all surprise ourselves from time-to-time when things don’t work out as planned, and we discover that things are actually OK, just as they are.
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So next time you find yourself looking over your shoulder wondering “what if”, bring yourself back to the present.  Breathe, smile, and recognise that you are where you are.  And that this is exactly where are you meant to be.  To be.

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I don’t mind what happens

Travel can be a wonderful experience.  It can also be stressful.  The consequences of missing a train or a flight, especially when others depend on you, mean that difficulties seem to be magnified. 

Working with the reality of how things are, rather than wishing they were otherwise, is the key to good emotional and psychological health.  This belief was sorely tested in a journey I made recently that involved transferring between terminals at Lagos airport.

I had heard how chaotic the airport in Nigeria’s biggest city is, but I was unprepared for the madness that met me as I came out of the domestic terminal.  Somehow my appointed driver found me amid all the others touting their taxi services and loaded me into his car for the 5km drive to the international terminal.  We soon hit the traffic jam that led all the way to departures.  We crawled forward, standing static for long minutes, staring into the tail-lights of the car in front.  I could see the time available to me slipping away and dealt with my temptation to get frustrated by repeating to myself the mantra “I don’t mind what happens”.  This was hard to believe at times, but the words did help.

Lagos airport departures

I didn’t actually miss my flight, as, unbeknown to me as we struggled through the traffic, it had been cancelled.  Any stress that I could have expended would have been pointless anyway.  And that is, in my experience, usually the case with stress; it’s usually self-created and counter-productive.  I managed to leave the following night.  Instead of the weekend in Dakar I’d been looking forward to, I spent a day of it in an airport hotel in Lagos.  No big deal, not really.

The testimony of countless men and women who’ve endured hardships far worse than mine at Lagos airport, is that accepting what is, rather than getting frustrated or angry, is the most constructive way of coping.

Rather than getting wound up when things don’t go as planned, it’s far better to work with what  is.  So next time you find yourself in a traffic jam, or stranded at a station or airport, take a deep breath, smile, and say to yourself “I don’t mind what happens”.  Then see what happens.

My tips for accepting what is:

1. Give yourself a positive message

I found it incredibly helpful to tell myself “I don’t mind what happens” when I was stuck in that Lagos traffic jam.  The sorts of messages that help are “we are where we are”, “I accept what is” and “this too will pass”.

2. Focus on your breathing

Even one conscious breath begins the process of rooting you in the present, bringing you out of the fantasies inside your head.  Breathe in through your nose, and feel the air.  Breathe out through your mouth and smile.  Try it now: it works!

3. Let go of planning

I was running “what if” scenarios in my head as my taxi crawled forward.  When you’re stuck in a situation it’s not the right time to try to be trying to work things out.  Any number of things might happen, but they probably won’t.  And whatever happens, the only time you can deal with it is then!  Think of Doris Day, and maybe even sing (quietly lest you be arrested) “Que sera, sera: what will be, will be”.

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