The cool heart

One of the things that Tony and I train people in is negotiation.  I know the theory.  I also know that it’s hard always to put it into practice in my personal life, especially if it’s in the context of a conversation with someone close to me, on a topic I feel strongly about.  I sometimes get it wrong, passionately arguing my case, in the mistaken belief that this is what persuades people to change.  And yet I know that all the research tells me this is precisely what I shouldn’t do if I want to influence people.

I’m working at following the rules, which are so simple.

1. Don’t react

When somebody says or does something that offends you, or with which you disagree, take a moment.  A friend, who was dealing with erratic and unreasonable behaviour from his wife, told me that a wise old friend had taught him the idea of the “cool heart” – that is remaining calm, even perhaps slightly detached, while the other person rants and raves.  It’s hard, and takes practice and patience, especially when the unreasonable party finds your not being drawn into an argument further grounds for taking offence.  But he tells me that his cool heart has worked for him and, I think, has saved his marriage.  It’s natural to want to hit back when we feel ourselves, or principles we hold dear, are under attack.  I can sense the adrenaline rising when I think back to times when I’ve had to deal with unreasonable behaviour or demands, yet I know that the times I’ve dealt with things best have been those when I’ve stayed calm and managed my reaction.

2. Create space

Even one deep breath is sometimes all that is needed to give you the space to find a constructive way through.  It allows you to gather your thoughts and to come into the present.  If you can take two or three deep breaths, all the better.  You will start to feel the adrenaline subside, which puts you in a better position to continue your conversation.

3. Reflect the other person’s emotions to them

This is an old trick that Tony used to use to calm people down when he was in the police.  Saying “you seem very angry about that” is a wonderful way of defusing anger.   Try it next time someone has a go at you, or has a diatribe in your presence.

4. Ask questions

This is the key to finding agreement.  You’ve got to find out what is below the surface issues you’re dealing with.  To do this, you need to really listen.  Your tone of voice, as much as your words, is important here.  I find asking “what is it that really concerns you?” helps in this context.  Once you’ve had your first answer, keep on asking more to get to the bottom of whatever the issue is.  The most powerful final question is “is there anything else?”  This really helps the other person to feel that they’ve been listened to and understood.

5. Seek compromise

It’s become a bit of a cliché to talk about win-win situations, but this should be the goal of all negotiation, whether it’s about what time your kids come home in the evening or ridding the world of nuclear weapons.  If you’ve understood the other person’s interests, you can work on finding the common ground between you.

I know the theory of this.  I try my best to put it into practice, some times with more success than others.  May we all find the way of the cool heart, and realise the power that comes from seeking understanding, rather than asserting our version of the truth.

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