Change the script

Be delighted by the unexpected

2012-01-03T17:47:00.002Z

Like many people, at New Year I review the year that’s just gone and set myself goals for the year to come. I got a shock when I looked at the 8 goals I set for myself this time last year: I had achieved none of them! And yet I’d had a fabulous 2011. One of the highlights was delivering a five-day training course in French, possibly the biggest professional challenge of my career to date. It was a great success and led to two more similar contracts. But as I planned my year back in January 2011 I could never have predicted it.

So goal setting is good for establishing the direction in which you intend to travel. But sometimes our journeys take a different path; then pre-set goals cannot always take account of changing circumstances. My daily and weekly practice of setting goals is invaluable; the review and accountability I have to myself help to keep me on track. But one of the joys of life is being open to the unexpected, to those serendipitous encounters or to the whispered but insistent appeal of your intuitions.

So be kind to yourself if you didn’t achieve all you set out to do in 2011. By all means imagine how you’d like your life to be in 12 months’ time. But make sure that you remain open to the present, to the now; that is the only place where you ever actually are; and where the real joy of the your journey will thrill and fulfil you.

Happy New Year.

Have a look at some my past articles in dealing with the unexpected:

Go with the flow

Living in the moment

"I must also feel it as a man": letting go of resentment

2011-11-02T12:12:00.002Z

I’ve been to Kenya twice for work in the last three weeks. The first time I was there I went to a fantastic salsa class in downtown Nairobi. The venue was a dive, but the teachers were excellent. I had fun, and learnt a lot. I was such a high as I went back to my hotel.

Sometime later that evening I realised that the person who had taken my payment for the class had short-changed me. He’d given me a Tanzanian 200 shilling coin, passing it off as Kenyan. The Tanzanian shilling is worth a tenth of the Kenyan one.

I kept this coin in my pocket for two weeks, and on my second visit to Kenya planned on going back to challenge the man who’d cheated me. The amount involved was trivial – 200 Kenyan shillings is less than the cost of a cup of coffee in London – but I felt mistreated and wanted to make my point.

But going to this second class was going to be a sweat: it takes place on Sunday afternoon; we were due to leave for the airport to fly home on Sunday evening. Despite the fact that it would have meant rushing back from the salsa venue to the hotel, missing dinner and flying home in the clothes I’d been dancing in, I was determined to do it.

But during the course of Sunday I sensed some disturbance within me at the prospect of what I had planned. I felt increasingly troubled about my motivation for wanting to go dancing. If I was honest, I wanted to prove a point to the man who’d given me the Tanzanian coin. As I thought about the alternative – having a leisurely afternoon and a relaxing dinner with Tony before leaving for the airport – I sensed a growing conviction that this was what I should do. I listened to my intuitions, followed them, and relaxed into the balm of letting go.

Sometimes it’s right to challenge others. But sometimes there is merit in letting things go, especially if they’re costing too much. As Eckhart Tolle suggests, when you are distressed, you should always ask yourself the question, “To what extent am I contributing to my own suffering?”

The presence of the coin in my pocket was testimony to the fact that I was holding on to my hurt at being short-changed. Tony and I ritually buried the coin deep in a nearby flowerbed. I felt relief rush in as a result.

The coin was a small, but tangible symbol of my attachment to proving my point. Many of us carry round much more powerful attachments to hurt and injustice. If the coins you’re carrying in your heart and mind stop you from living in the present, it’s time to get rid of them. Throw them away. Bury them. Let it go. Then feel the freedom.

Tips for letting go of anger or bitterness

1. Work out what it’s costing you

If you can tell someone who’s upset you about your reaction as soon as it happens, then great. But if you’re still seething days, weeks or even years later, your anger is probably hurting you more than it hurts the person who upset you. Ask yourself if you’re still gripped by any such resentment and what it might be costing you.

2. Feel it fully

One of the most powerful scenes from Macbeth is when Malcolm tells Macduff that his wife and children have been slaughtered by Macbeth. Malcolm suggests that Macduff “dispute it like a man”. Macduff’s response is heart-breaking: “I shall do so, but I must also feel it as a man”. By acknowledging your feelings, you move your attention away from whatever it is that is upsetting you. It helps to dissolve the solidity of the pain.

3. Decide when enough is enough

For most of us, time is a great healer; we feel things with less intensity as the weeks and months pass by. But some people hold on to pain with such tenacity that to hear them describe a past hurt you would think it happened to them yesterday, rather than years ago. I would say that if you’re still angry with someone a few days after something happened, then it has already cost you too much. It’s time to let it go.

4. Live in the moment

We can all use our imaginations to run fantasy conversations in our head about how we’re could have, or are going to bring someone down a peg or two. The best antidote to this pointless mental energy is to live in the present moment. Look around you; do something good. Notice the trees, hear the birds, taste your food.

5. Do something that makes you laugh

Laughter is such a good antidote to anger. You can’t be angry if you’re laughing. When did you last belly laugh? Remember a ridiculous situation, a funny show or someone who made you cackle. Even thinking about something you found funny can help connect you with the humour of it.

Life is too short to bear grudges. Toss those coins of resentment away. Live life in the now. Thrive in it to the full.

Think first, the feelings will follow

2011-09-23T16:23:00.009+01:00

I’ve been taking salsa classes for about a year now. Usually I leave the club on such a high, the three or four hours I’ve been dancing having passed in a delightful whirling blur. Last week it was different. Having gone into the class full of confidence, my belief in my ability to dance, to hear the music and move in time to it drained away. An old croaky voice inside my head rose from its grave: ”You’re uncoordinated”; ”You’re no good at this”; “What a waste of time!”

It was as I was on my way home that I gave myself a good talking to. I firmly believe that if we’re feeling bad, it’s because we’re getting our thinking wrong, we’re giving ourselves the wrong messages. So if I was feeling bad, what was I thinking?

I was hooking my thoughts on the final minutes of the class when the dancing hadn’t gone so well. As I slipped into despondency about this, all memories of the times I’ve danced well, and really been in the swing, faded from my mind. I realised it was time for me to sideline my feelings and concentrate on getting my thinking right.

So I focused on two affirming beliefs: “I dance in time with the music” and “I enjoy salsa”. Like so much in life, I choose whether these statements are true or false: I can find evidence to support them or to disprove them; it’s up to me. So I chose to see the positive evidence to support them, and as I did so, my perception of the evening changed.

In fact it changed so much that when I got home, Tony said to me: “You must have had a good night”. I had. I had enjoyed my dancing, but perhaps more importantly, my experiences had reminded me of the situation that faces so many of those I coach, when they find their confidence oozing away. I’d practised what I preach, taken my own medicine, and it worked. You really can change the message. Don’t be fooled by your feelings. Get the thinking right, and your feelings will follow. And remember, you control what you think about. True or false? You choose.

Tips for getting the thinking right

1. Accept where you are

As soon as you notice that your thinking is not helpful, you’re most of the way there. By becoming aware of your thought patterns, you break their control over you. Be kind to yourself, recognise what you’re doing, and come into the now.

2. Use your senses

The best way I know to come into the now is through your senses. Feel the seat you’re sitting on, look out of the window and notice the clouds, listen to the sounds around you. As you do so, you’ll come into the present.

3. Choose the right messages

Turn those negative thoughts round, and rewrite the script. If you’re feeling that you’re always lost for words, for example, tell yourself that you find the right words. If your problem is that you panic, tell yourself that you’re calm.

4. Repeat the message

The time you should be working hardest on getting the message right is when it feels the most unbelievable. By repeating it to yourself, you start to remember instances when it was, indeed true. Keep going and you will overcome those inner voices of doubt. And then things are more likely to change for the better around you.

5. Enjoy the feelings

As sure as night follows day, if you get your thinking right, your feelings will follow.

Whenever you’re feeling bad, ask yourself “what am I thinking?” Get that thinking right, and you’ll be able to free yourself from negative emotions and fully enjoy life. Go out there and dance!

Growling your "r"s

2011-07-19T15:25:00.004+01:00

It’s not easy to say the French word for clock. Horloge. Un horloge. To get it right, you have to growl that middle “r”. Horgrrrloge. Not easy for us English, though the Scots can probably give it a much better shot.

Last week I was in Dakar, the capital of Senegal, in West Africa, running a training course. It was an intense five-day experience, made all the more challenging by the fact that it was all conducted in French. I speak good French, having studied at a French school of engineering 20 years ago, but it’s well over 15 years since I worked in a French-speaking environment.

The course went well; the participants were delighted with what they learnt and enjoyed the experience of learning. But on the first morning, I was sometimes trailing off mid-sentence, unable to find the words to finish. More worrying, some of my words were getting stuck in my throat. Anything that had one of those “r”s in it was particularly problematic. I found myself becoming self-conscious and struggling with even the most basic words.

By the final day on Friday though I was perfectly at ease having a conversation with the group in French. I was particularly pleased with an off-the-cuff revision exercise we did just before lunch when I led the participants through a review of all they’d learnt in the pervious four days. I growled my “r”s beautifully.

I had learnt a handful of new words during the week, but most of the words I used in this impromptu revision exercise had already been there in my brain on the Monday morning, and long before. What happened as my confidence grew was that I was able to access them with greater ease.

In my work I meet many who struggle with self-belief. They are often very talented, but fail to fulfil their potential as a result of giving themselves the wrong sorts of messages. They lack the confidence to bring out and use all their talents. Deep down they know all the words. They can growl their “r”s, but they don’t believe they can.

So here’s how to draw on all those deep reservoirs of talent within you, and use your skills to the full:

1. Relax
There is a place for stress and adrenaline, but for me, being relaxed is crucial to performing well. To help me to relax, I find it helpful to concentrate on my breathing, making the out breath longer than the breath in. I also smile and make sure my shoulders and back are loose.

2. Use your imagination
Most of us have extraordinary imaginations. It shocks me when people recount in vivid detail how badly they imagine a situation is likely to turn out. They project themselves forward into the future, imagine others’ reactions and have fully blown conversations with them in their head. If this is you, stop! Instead of imagining things going badly, imagine instead things going well. See yourself finding the right words. Imagine others reacting positively to you. Use all the technicolour glory of your mind’s eye to see yourself succeeding.

3. Prepare
Preparation is everything. Positive thinking will only get you so far; you have to know what you are doing. Last week I went to great lengths to make sure I knew the course. I practised what I was going to say. All of the great performers will tell you that their success is down to self-belief, with a lot of hard work and preparation.

4. Stretch yourself
Standing up in front of a group running a training course may not be everybody’s idea of fun. But using your skills and talents to the full is intensely satisfying. Getting good at something, learning to master it, is vital to well-being and a key component of positive mental health. What challenges can you give yourself in the weeks ahead that will allow you to shine?

5. Give yourself the right messages
Henry Ford famously said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right”. Make sure you tell yourself that you can do it. Even if it’s outlandish, dare to tell yourself you can and will succeed.

I wish you success with your ventures. May you choose to do things that stretch you, that allow you to express more of the talents you have within you. Let your light shine. And growl those “r”s!

Your time to shine

2010-05-20T15:18:00.004+01:00

Over the five years I’ve been earning my living by helping others to change their lives for the better, I’ve met some fantastic people. Many of those I’ve coached are talented, attractive people who needed my help to believe in themselves more.

One trait I’ve noticed in many is what I call “false modesty”. It hurts me, it honestly does, when someone who’s obviously good at what they do dismisses a compliment that is graciously offered to them. It’s as if they think there’s some jinx associated with another speaking well of them, that it’s somehow arrogant or boastful to acknowledge their skill, success, beauty or talents.

I have met some people who are full of themselves, who relish telling you how important they are. These are generally not the sort of people who come to me for coaching, nor, I venture, who read these articles. If you’re reading this, my guess is that you’re more likely to hide your talents under a bushel than to let your light shine.

When I’ve challenged people about their false modesty, the reason they often give for it is not wanting to come across as arrogant. I cannot imagine any of those I’ve had this conversation with appearing arrogant. My fear is that their reluctance to acknowledge what’s good about who they are or what they do leads them to diminish themselves and limit what they have it in themselves to be.

As Marianne Williamson put it in her beautiful poem that Nelson Mandela read on his inauguration as president of South Africa,

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Whether or not you believe in a god, it’s abundantly clear that those who delight in their skills and attributes help us all to feel better about ourselves. What are you going to do in the week ahead to let your light shine? It’s your time to shine. Get out there and light up the world around you.

Letting your light shine: some tips

1. Smile

When someone pays you a compliment, smile. How you react is completely in your control. You can choose to send a message to your face muscles to smile.

2. Say thank you

You honour the person paying you the compliment if you thank them for it. They’ve taken the trouble to say something good about you. Saying thank you will help them to feel good too.

3. Pay attention

There is nothing more off-putting when you’re talking to someone than them ignoring or not hearing you. Again, you honour the person paying you a compliment if you pay full attention to what they are saying. Listen well. You may pick up something you didn’t know or notice through the comments of the other.

4. Share the praise

If what you’re being complimented on was a team effort, make sure to acknowledge the contribution others have made. But don’t use this as a smokescreen for your own contribution. It’s disingenuous to say it was a group effort if you played an important role. Yes, share the praise, but make sure you accept some for yourself.

5. Be generous with your compliments

There should be no expectation of reciprocity on compliments, although complimenting the other person is one way many people choose to deal with them. If this is your pattern, have a go at not doing this next time you’re complimented. But there is a wider issue of generosity of spirit. You spread goodwill when you notice and make positive remarks about others.

So next time you receive a compliment, may you unselfconsciously and graciously accept. As you let your light shine, you make the world a happier, brighter place. Remember, it’s your time to shine.

Relaxing into the lucky strike

2009-03-09T12:03:00.002Z

Last night I had a lucky strike. I bowled a “spare” in the first round, and then in round two, in front of all my friends, I knocked down all ten pins with my first ball. You can imagine how jubilant I was, and how impressed my friends were. Sadly I didn’t manage to continue the form: my performance was much more mediocre for the rest of the game.

There were six of us due to play on the lane, but one, Karen, had to pull out at the last minute because of an injury. Her name was entered on the computer that controls whose turn it is, so the rest of us took it in turns to throw her balls when her name came up on the screen. And do you know what? She won!

I think my good start and the fact that the phantom bowler got the highest score are expressions of the same truth: that we’re at our best when we’re relaxed. In the first two rounds, I didn’t think about what I was doing; I just walked up to the line and threw the ball. But after my initial success I started thinking about my foot position, about how far short of the line I should stop, about how I could knock down more pins. And it didn’t work. It was an example of how too much analysis can undermine performance. Karen’s high score was, I think, an example of the same truth at work. In contrast to how the competitive ones among us were during our own turns, we didn’t care how we did when we took her turn. So we relaxed and did well, with no forethought, no heavy analysis. Without knowing it, we drew on our natural ability and instincts.

Many of my clients complain that they spend too much time thinking, analysing, considering possibilities, and not enough time doing. In fact their analysis often prevents them from doing anything, or at least, from doing what might be best. If you’re stuck, doing something is usually better than doing nothing, at least to get things moving. But the trick is to learn to trust your instincts and intuitions to urge the right decisions, and then to practise making them. This is something that I’ve helped many who are stuck to do.

So if you find yourself prone to paralysis through analysis, get in touch to find out how I can help you. For now, picture yourself putting on a pair of bowling shoes, relaxing and striding up to the line, throwing the ball of your decisions with abandon, and with joy. Go and bowl that lucky strike!

What might have been...

2008-11-07T01:05:00.000Z

I found both the US presidential candidates' speeches in the early hours of November 5th moving. Barrack Obama was inspiring and gracious in victory, but it was John McCain's concession speech that was, for me, the most challenging. "I won't spend a moment of the future regretting what might have been," he said. Regrets form part of most of our lives. We wonder how things might have turned out if only we'd acted differently. We conjure up new, different outcomes in our mind. We think up witty ripostes we would have loved to use. But the reality is that we can't reverse the clock. We did what we did, and live with the consequences.

Senator McCain's statement is poignant because he's right. There is no point wasting time and energy on regrets. We are where we are. The question is not "what could I have done to ensure I didn't arrive here?" The question is "what do I do now?" At best regrets are a distraction. At worst they paralyse us and compromise our chances of resolving things for the better.

My challenge for this month is to catch yourself every time you're thinking wistfully about what could have been, about choices you could have made differently. When you find yourself in such a situation, say "stop", and consciously decide to bring yourself back to the present. What are you going to do now to resolve or improve the situation you find yourself in?

I offer my own tips on dealing with regret below. I will try to follow them too. Like everybody else, I am prone to regrets. But my resolution is to be as big as John McCain. To lift my head high, and to face the road ahead with determination, courage and a lightness of spirit. I hope you can do the same.

Tips for dealing with regrets

1. Stop

When you find yourself regretting what might have been, stop. If you've got your eyes closed, open them. Look at what's around you. If you're daydreaming, on a bus or plane, or, dare I say it, at work or school, bring yourself back to the present. Notice something about your environment. It may be the sound of the wind in the trees outside, or the clutter on your desk. Just find something that brings you back to the present, to where you are now.

2. Forget blame

One of the most damaging forms of blame, I think, is to direct it at yourself. As equally destructive is blaming someone you love. If you've done something to hurt someone, or they've hurt you, blame is not helpful. Hold your tongue. Decide not to get into an argument. Don't beat yourself up, or, indeed, any of your loved ones.

3. Be kind

Kindness unlocks so many doors. You may be smarting as a result of your actions, or those of someone you love. Kindness is the best way I know to make amends, to find constructive, helpful ways forward.

4. Look for solutions

Whatever situation you find yourself in, looking for solutions is the key to doing something about it. Start with something small. What one thing can you do to make amends, to build bridges, to resolve things? Work out what it is, and do it.

5. Dare to dream

Instead of using your imagination to rerun past scenarios, use it to see yourself reacting differently, positively and constructively next time you find yourself in a similar situation. Try to make these positive daydreams as vivid as possible. Use all the colour and texture you might have given to negative fantasies to illuminate your positive visualisations. This will unlock resources within you that you may not have known you had.

It's natural to feel regret, but unhelpful to dwell on such feelings. Resolve to be big, to be strong. And practise doing things differently. Even if you've failed in something as big as running for the presidency of a great nation, you can still live the rest of your life well. Why not start today?

If dogs could laugh

2008-07-11T08:43:00.003+01:00

I’ve been to two funerals recently. One was of my oldest client, who lost her struggle against frailty and old age at the beginning of June. She was 79 when she died. It is quite an inspiration that she worked with me as her coach to feel more confident and assertive right up to the end of her life. Since her funeral, I’ve struck up a warm relationship with her daughter, who is delighted that her mother had my support.

The other funeral was for my friend Christopher, an actor who returned to London from Los Angeles at the end of last year to have a tumour removed. We all hoped he would get better, so many of us were shocked to learn three weeks ago that he had died quite suddenly.

A poem was read at Christopher’s funeral that told of his recent assertion that he was “deeply well”. A passage of the poem really stuck in my mind. It describes Christopher playing on a beach with his friend’s dog. The dog was enjoying jumping around in the waves, running after a stick that Christopher was throwing for him. The writer of the poem observed how the dog was “abandoned to the present”, and wondered whether we humans could learn from dogs about the wisdom of being utterly rooted in the present moment. Dogs don’t worry about the future. They don’t have regrets about the past. They live in the now.

We all make mistakes. When somebody dies, it’s natural to feel regret, to wonder if we could have done more for or with them, made one more visit, or had one more phone call. It seems to me almost inhuman to live without regrets. But I think it’s important to use regrets as present opportunities for learning and change, rather than as ammunition to berate ourselves for the past. There may be things we wish we had, or had not said or done. But what’s said and done, is said and done. It is finished. The vital question for me is, “what now”?

Being abandoned to the present also means letting go of second guessing the future. Another wonderful feature of humans is our ability to plan. Most of us have active imaginations. It saddens me how many of those I know use their imaginations to see pitfalls and mistakes in the future. I know that I can do this too. But over the years I’ve learnt to replace negative fantasies with positive ones. So instead of putting energy into imagining how things could go wrong, I see, in my mind’s eye, how well things could go. This is so much more empowering, and allows me to live in the present, confident that I will find the way to deal with whatever happens when it arises.

My challenge for you, and for me, is to become more like that dog, abandoning ourselves to the present. Make the most of where we are, and avoid draining preoccupations on things that have happened, or may happen. I profoundly believe that this is the route to greater happiness, effectiveness and fulfilment. In this way, splashing in the waves, we honour those who have gone by truly living.

Tips for splashing in the waves

1. Use your senses

One way I’ve found of routing myself in the present when I realise that I’m mulling over things from the past is to use my senses. Ask yourself what you can hear. What do you see if you look out of the window? What do you feel in your body about the way you are sitting or standing? Can you smell the fruit in the fruit bowl, or the fragrance of trees outside? If you spend some time consciously connecting with your senses, you cannot but be in the present.

2. Let go of the past

We so often expend energy on things we can’t do anything about. Everything that has already happened is like this. We can’t rewrite history. There is absolutely no point in beating yourself up over what you’ve done. What’s done is done. My experience is the more we focus on what we should have done, the less able we are to do the right thing now. I know that letting go of the past is not always easy. We can’t undo the consequences of our actions. We have to live with them. But given where you are, what are you going to do now?

3. Trust to the future

Trust is such a powerful commodity. We all know how empowering it is when we feel truly trusted. And how undermining it is when we sense that we’re not. Why not do yourself the honour of deciding to trust that you will find the right words, that you will act in the right way, when the circumstances arise? This may require practice at first; if you’re used to over-planning it will be odd to let go of this. But my experience of dealing with all sorts of situations, from giving presentations to dealing with difficult people, is that the more that I trust myself to handle them well, the better I deal with them.

4. See what’s good

Part of what has allowed the human race to develop is our desire to perfect things. When I run a workshop, I can find myself more alert to the one person who seems withdrawn and disengaged than the 19 others who love what we’re doing together. We seem more inclined to dwell on the birthday cards we forgot to send than those we did! I think it’s important to focus on what we’ve done that is good, rather than putting too much energy into thinking about what could have been done better.

5. Have fun

Laughter is the best medicine I know. You can’t hear dogs laughing, but you can see how they give themselves wholeheartedly to whatever game they are playing. What can you do that’s fun? I love dancing and dressing up. Some love skiing or kayaking. What can you do that’s going to make you whoop with joy in the next few weeks?

Whether you find yourself playing on a beach, or working in an office, may you find ways to abandon yourself to the present this summer. Have fun, and celebrate life. Get out into those waves and have a splash. And to my recently departed friends, rest in peace.

Image courtesy of Praveen Mutalik at Greyhounds Reach the Beach

Keep your cool

2008-06-20T11:15:00.000+01:00

Last night I lost my temper. I’m not easily riled, and over the years have taught myself not to get wound up by things I can do nothing about. I’m good at not letting transport delays get to me, for example. But last night I did get angry, and I expressed it.

The cause of my anger was a group of teenagers sitting next to us at the theatre. They were boisterous and in good spirits. But their constant backchat seemed to be pitched at a level designed to wind up those around them. I asked the young man next to me to stop talking soon after the show started. There were sarcastic comments about me, but it quietened down for a while. But the volume of their chatter built up again. The one with the loudest voice, who seemed to be egging the others on, was in the middle of the group. When I could take it no more, I rose from my seat, leant across the group and told him he would have to quieten down or else I would ask security to get him to leave the theatre.

This raised the temperature somewhat! There were now several indignant teenagers adamant that I’d invaded their space. The ruckus attracted the attention of the staff, who came over and made it quite clear that we’d all be asked to leave if this continued. The air was bad between the group and me. It was at this stage that I decided to withdraw and moved to a spare seat, some way away from the group. I’m sure this is what I should have done in the first place.

I’ve been playing over the incident in my head since. It’s pertinent because anger has been in the news here in London. A few weeks ago a teenage boy, Jimmy Mizzen, was murdered on a Saturday morning in a bakery. His family has made some extraordinarily impressive statements. They loved their son, and obviously miss him dreadfully, but they’ve chosen not to be angry, or to blame the government.

The Mizzens’ response to their son’s murder is beyond most of us. I spent some years trying to rise above anger, willing myself not to feel it as I thought it was a destructive emotion. Some of this was good: I’m pleased that I’ve taught myself to lose myself in a book when my train is delayed, for example. But I wonder if sometimes it led me to suppress emotions and become somewhat withdrawn.

Graham Price, a psychologist, whose seminar I recently attended, suggests that the best way to deal with anger, or indeed frustration, regret or guilt, is to accept we’re feeling it. Accept the feeling, rather than fight it. This positive acceptance of our feelings shifts our attention from the cause of the emotion to the feeling itself. One of the dangers of anger is that we can become stuck on what provoked it. Focusing on the feeling, acknowledging we’re angry and accepting it, helps move our attention away from the cause, so that we’re in a better frame of mind to decide what to do next. The danger of acting when we’re still hooked on the cause of our anger is that we often make bad decisions.

In retrospect it would have been better last night to move and get security at an earlier stage in the play, rather than let things get to the point they did. But I made my decisions, and I live with the consequences. The remainder of the first half of the play was a write-off for me: I was far too wound up to enjoy it. But in the interval I acknowledged my anger and decided that I wasn’t going to let it blight the second half too. I sat far away from the kids and was moved by the performance on the stage. I was glad I went to the theatre and learnt some valuable lessons.

I offer below my tips on how to deal with anger and other negative feelings in a constructive way. I hope they help.

And may we all be surrounded by quiet, appreciative people the next time we go to the theatre!

Tips for managing anger

1. Focus on things you can do something about

Although anger is a natural response in some situations, I still contend it is futile to get angry about things you can do nothing about. When we’re angry, we think in very black and white terms. We don’t make good decisions. Being blinded by rage may cause us to miss things that would help us out. Instead, focus on the things you can do something about. Last night there were delays on the train journey to the theatre. The later we became, the less time we had to get a bite to eat before the show. Instead of getting wound up and fulminating about the shortcomings of London Underground, I chose to absorb myself in my book. It worked.

2. Move away from the cause, physically

The second half of the play last night was better because I was sat further away from the group with which I’d had my contretemps. I was therefore able to focus my attention on what was happening on the stage. If there’s someone I can see is going to be trouble in a train carriage, I move to another carriage. This advice is more difficult to follow if the cause of your anger is your boss or a family member. But if you are wound up, it’s important to establish some distance between yourself and whatever it is that’s provoking you. We give time out to kids whose behaviour is inappropriate. Sometimes we may need to take time out ourselves. Even just stepping outside for a few minutes may give us the breathing space to deal with a situation differently.

3. Move away from the cause, psychologically

Focusing on the feeling of being angry, and accepting that you have these feelings, helps to shift your attention from what it is that made you angry. Often the anger dissipates as a result. I had a choice in the second half of the play last night: I could have brooded over the incident or I could accept it happened, and let it go. I chose the latter. There’s a sense of righteousness in anger sometimes that, to be honest, is quite attractive. But if the anger is costing us, it’s time to move on. Focus on being present, rather than on replaying scenarios in your mind.

4. Watch what you drink

Alcohol and anger are a dangerous mix. If you’ve got a difficult conversation to have with someone, it’s much better to have it sober. It may be tempting to think that a drink will give us the courage to say difficult things. The reality is that alcohol impairs our judgement.

5. Have some fun

It’s impossible to stay angry once you start to laugh. Lovers’ tiffs can be diffused quickly when one person makes the other one laugh. If you’re angry, and feel stuck, think back to the last time you really laughed. It’s probably more recent than you think. Try to remember what it is that made you laugh. The chances are you’ll find yourself laughing again as you recall it. And laughter is such a tonic.

Many of us lead lives where anger costs us energy. It may also cost us relationships, our job or our health. There are some practical things we can do to dissipate this anger and react constructively, whatever situation we find ourselves in. May you be cool this summer.

Great Expectations

2008-01-17T08:25:00.000Z

I was talking to one of my friends over Christmas about his plans for January. He told me of a work project he was about to embark on. “I know it’s going to be a disaster,” he told me. He then went on to detail how those he was due to work with were going to let him down. He was convinced that January was going to be difficult. And do you know what? He was right.

What we expect to happen has an enormous bearing on what actually happens. I think it’s because our subconscious is tuned to signals that will back up our assumptions.

I imagine most of us have had times when we’ve gone to a party expecting no one to be interested in us. And what happens? Our subconscious detects others’ indifference to us, and it’s as if we’re invisible. On the other hand, when we go to a function expecting to have a good time and be liked, our subconscious will pick up the signs from others that they like us. This helps us to feel good about ourselves, reinforcing our sense of self-worth. People are drawn to us.

It isn’t magic, and nothing can prevent the external and sometimes painful events that challenge us; but our conscious image of the future has an enormous effect on our subconscious and all that it contains.

We can’t stop the way some things happen, but we can choose how we react, how we imagine and how we hope outcomes to be.

What do you foresee for 2008? Same old same old? A mediocre year? Or do you hope for good things? Great expectations!

How to expect the best for 2008, and make it happen

1. Be clear

It’s important to be as clear and precise as possible about what you are hoping for this year. If your goals are specific, you’re much more likely to realise them. In general, I like to go with the flow and trust that things will turn out well. In many areas of my life, I think that is fine, and it works. But in terms of my business goals for 2008, this week I’ve realised that I need to be specific. Without clear goals, the danger is that things will pretty much carry on as they are, when, in fact, in 2008 I want to see my business become even more established and successful than it is already.

2. Use milestones

Now that you’ve got your goals for 2008 clear in your mind, what are the milestones along the way? For me, the process of clarifying what I want to achieve in 2008 has made me focus on what I need to do each month in order to meet my goals. What are your milestones? What can you do to make sure you achieve them? Take one step at a time, and make those steps clear, realistic and manageable. A small but firm step is better than no step at all; or than one that is too big, demoralising us when we don’t make it.

3. Be accountable

The best way to make sure we do something is to be accountable for our actions. Part of the reason coaching works so well is that it provides a framework of accountability for people who want to change their lives. At the very least, write down your goals. Without a written record, they are likely to remain just a nebulous wish list. If you think it will help, share what you hope to achieve with a trusted friend. Alternatively give me a ring and arrange for a free initial consultation. I am happy to hold you to account so that you reach those goals. That’s my job, and I love it!

4. Affirm yourself

It’s important to give yourself positive messages. Resist any off-putting voices in your head that say you can’t do something and replace them with a message of encouragement. For example, if you find yourself thinking “I’m lazy and never make things happen”, try repeating to yourself “I have the determination and application to do this.” Repeat these affirmations as often as you can, and see what a positive difference they make.

5. Persevere

To be fulfilled in life means taking risks. Nothing will be achieved if you don’t act. I believe success comes in cycles. If things aren’t going well, believe that you will come through any difficulties. Keep going. Keep believing in yourself. May your great expectations for 2008 be met.

2008 with attitude

2007-12-19T10:26:00.000Z

I often work with clients who feel that life is passing them by, that they are not making the most of the opportunities that come their way. They have a vague sense of dissatisfaction that life could be better than this. Many of us are prone to thinking that others' lives are somehow more exciting, more fulfilling than our own. The end of the year is a good time to take stock. It's also a good time to change our outlook so that we confidently enter 2008, determined to make the most of it.

The testimony of countless men and women down the ages is that human beings are capable of the most extraordinary acts of bravery, compassion or generosity when put in particularly demanding situations. I wonder whether the relative comfort of the life that so many of us lead militates against us becoming who we truly have it in us to be.

My challenge to you this Christmas is to ask yourself two simple questions. If you were making the most of your life, what would you be doing differently? And what habits of thought and behaviour would you change?

We may not be able to make immediate alterations to our situation. And there are some things we cannot change. But there is something that we are always in control of; and that is our attitude. As Charles Swindoll so eloquently put it:

"The longer I live, the more I realise the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home.

"The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one thing we have, and that is our attitude.

"I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you:we are in charge of our attitudes."

I'm working with a client who has discovered for herself the importance of attitude as she's taken more control of her life. As she said to me: "Thanks for the session on Wednesday. I think I did most of the talking, mainly on important, positive realisations. It shows how much healthier my attitude is and how my ability to support myself has improved over the last couple of months. It was the last of our four sessions this year, but 'the file is not closed' and I look forward to more positive reinforcement next year!"

Focus on the things you can do, not those you can't. Discover how much more you have it in yourself to be. Remember, attitude is all. Whatever challenges you face in 2008, may you approach them full on.

Happy Christmas!

Adam

A good whine?

2007-12-02T14:47:00.000Z

There's a fantastic article in this weekend's Guardian magazine about the benefits of learning how not to whinge.

The article mentions Rev Will Bowen's organisation, A complaint free world

Be kind

2007-11-20T17:04:00.000Z

I’ve recently joined a business networking group. We meet for breakfast once a week. The idea is that as we get to know each others’ businesses, we’ll be able to refer potential clients to each other. The philosophy of the group is based on the idea that givers gain – if you bring me business, I’ll want to bring you business.

Over the years I’ve heard this sort of philosophy expressed in many different ways. Sometimes you hear people saying “what goes around comes around”. Others talk of karma and the necessity of doing good so that ill does not befall you. Paulo Coelho uses the idea of the Favour Bank in his book The Zahir. If you’ve paid into the Favour Bank through acts of kindness and generosity to others, when you need something, you’re likely to have a positive balance of goodwill to withdraw.

This approach to doing good is an effective way to run a business networking organisation, but I wonder how wholesome it is to apply it more widely in our personal lives. If you’re helping someone just to get into their good books, or to win their favour, how genuine is the generosity you are offering?

Acts of kindness and generosity of spirit are an essential part of what makes us human. I imagine that for most of us, our parents didn’t look after us when we were babies just so we’d be able repay the favour at a later date. They did it because they loved us.

Conversely, just because you’re a caring person, it doesn’t necessarily follow that your life will be blessed. Bad things do happen to good people through no fault of their own.

It’s worth being kind and generous, even if there’s no apparent payback. Kindness takes us out of ourselves and helps us to feel better about the world. It increases our sense of being able to do something positive to make a difference. And if it prompts others to want to help us, that’s a wonderful, unexpected bonus.

I love the networking group I’ve joined and I subscribe wholeheartedly to its ethos. But I think there’s a higher law, above the idea that givers gain. Being kind to other people, and indeed yourself, makes a difference to their lives, and yours.

How to be kind

1. Notice other people

In order to survive in a city, sometimes it’s necessary to block out the needs of others. But it’s not good to close our eyes completely, especially to the needs of those closest to us, either physically or emotionally. I’m a great believer in taking time to build up good relations with my neighbours. Who are the people you see on a regular basis that you could make more of an effort with?

2. Notice yourself

Generosity of spirit is not something you should have just for others. You need to be kind to yourself. I don’t think this necessarily means indulging yourself. For me it’s more about noticing the effect that things I do have on my body and my spirit, and making an effort to do more of the things that contribute to my wellbeing and fewer of the things that drain me. For example, you might know, deep down, that spending hours chatting on-line leaves you feeling empty at the end of it. Conversely you may also know that you get an enormous buzz from going to the cinema. What are you going to do about this?

3. Get involved

My observation is that those who are members of groups, societies and associations tend to live happier, more fulfilled lives than those who aren’t. One of the groups I’m a member of is the networking group I mentioned above. I get an enormous amount of pleasure from my association with the other members. The fact that they’re expecting me to turn up at the breakfast meetings every Tuesday morning at 6:45 gives a rigour and discipline to my life that I didn’t have before I joined. What could you do to get involved, for example, in your local community?

4. Become a mentor

In many societies mentors are afforded a special status. Learning new things is an important part of leading a happy life. Some of these things we can learn alone, but some are best done with a sympathetic expert. What skills have you got that you could share with other people? What can you to do to make this happen?

5. Do something unnoticed

Some of the most important acts of kindness will never be noticed by others. But if you’re the architect of them, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you made them happen. I’m a great believer in acting instead of reacting. We live near a school. Most of the kids are great and well behaved. But a few drop litter. Rather than getting upset about this, what I do if I come across a discarded sweet wrapper in our street is pick it up and put it in the bin. Obviously there’s a limit to how much rubbish I can pick up, but by doing something about a small amount of it, I increase my sense of being in control of my life and my destiny. And it’s something worthwhile to do.

Resolve today to be kind. Kind to yourself and kind to other people. See what difference your openness of spirit makes to you and those around you.

Good companions

2007-10-24T08:13:00.000+01:00

For me, one of the most exciting developments in the field of psychology has been the growth in recent years of interest in wellbeing and happiness. Until the mid 1990s, most of the academic study of psychology tended to focus on people’s problems. Now there are a number of well-respected academics who study wellbeing and seek to draw lessons from what makes those who lead happy lives so content.

From my reading of these studies, it seems that the single most important factor in wellbeing, happiness and, indeed, good health, is a connection with a good circle of friends. Those who enjoy such warm, human relationships, and especially those who are blessed with a loving relationship with an intimate partner, fare better on all measures of wellbeing than those who go through life alone.

Some of my clients lead lives that would be the envy of many, with fantastic jobs and a high income. Despite the challenge, responsibility and money that come through their work, some of these people come home to an empty flat every night, where they can end up feeling miserable and isolated.

I am convinced that the most important priority should be our relationships with those around us. No matter how extraordinary our lives, or our accomplishments, or even our dreams, we need trusted confidants to share them with. We thrive on people around us with whom we can cry, dance, laugh and love. I am blessed with a partner who loves me and delights in sharing his life with me. I dedicate this article to him, and to my parents, who celebrate their ruby wedding anniversary this week.

Making friends… and keeping them

1. Do things

Shared activity is a good way to meet people, and to see them as they really are. Taking part in some form of activity is the best way I know of to widen your circle of friends, or to meet a potential partner. Think about your hobbies and interests. What can you do that’s related to your interests that might bring you into contact with other people? Are there any societies or clubs you could join? What about classes or courses? If you’re in a relationship or have some good friends, arrange to do things together. Shared activity is one of the most important ways in which we bind ourselves to other people.

2. Be interested

One of Dale Carnegie’s ways of winning friends and influencing people is to ask others questions, and to be genuinely interested in their answers. Most people like talking about themselves so asking questions is a good way to get to know a stranger. It’s also important in our more intimate relationships; we can so easily drift into assuming that we know what our partner thinks, wants or likes. When was the last time you asked them? You might be surprised at the response.

3. Be kind

It saddens me when I see people putting down those they love. It seems to be a bad habit that it’s easy to get into. Even when we do favours for people, we can sometimes do them with bad grace. Paulo Coelho talks about the concept of a Favour Bank. If we’ve made deposits in the form of kindness and favours for other people, when we need something, others are more likely to give us what we need. This builds mutual trust and respect, the glue that binds people together, whether they are partners or friends. What can you do today to be kind to those you love, and those you’d like to know better?

4. Encourage others to make the most of who they are

We all know people who seem incapable of sharing our dreams, people who are stuck in negative mindsets and ways of seeing the world. Your true friends are those who genuinely want the best for you. What can you do to encourage those you know to blossom and fulfil their potential?

5. Develop your passions

Passionate people are interesting. They always have something to say, and to share with the world. We lose ourselves when we engage in activity we feel passionate about. Even if you’re very busy, take a few minutes to think about what you believe in most strongly. What can you do to express these passions?

Friends and relationships really do matter. Don’t kid yourself that you can put things off because you’re really busy at the moment. Do something today to connect with those you love, or to meet other people. Life is so much better when it’s shared. With good companions.

Space for Serendipity

2007-09-19T20:59:00.000+01:00

I recently heard an interview with Joe Wright, the director of the film Atonement. He was being interviewed by Francine Stock for BBC Radio 4. One of the things she asked him about was the remarkable mock-up of the Dunkirk evacuation.

Those of you who have seen the film, will, I am sure, have been impressed by this shot. It involved over 2,000 extras on Redcar beach playing the remnants of the British and French armies waiting to be evacuated in the late spring of 1940 as Hitler’s army advanced through France. The film includes an amazing take lasting more than five minutes where the camera weaves through the soldiers as they find ways to pass their time on the beach, waiting for the boats to come that will, hopefully, take them to safety. Wright explained how he set up the shot. He left the extras to improvise much of what was caught on camera. He set the camera rolling, and then, just as he started filming, the clouds parted to let through an eerie milky light that gave the scene a particularly chilling quality. Wright admitted that he couldn’t have made lighting conditions like that happen. When talking about the shot, he described how he had to do a lot of preparation, but how this was just a safety net to allow space for what he called serendipity. He explained how he had to have faith that the scene would work. He didn’t take credit for the wonderful light, but enjoyed how it transformed the scene.

Joe Wright’s interview got me thinking about serendipity. The word was coined by Horace Walpole in the 18^th Century to describe the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else. Walpole was said to have invented the word having read a Persian fairy tale called The Three Princes of Serendip. In this story, the three eponymous princes were set tasks, but made clever or accidental discoveries along the way that brought them unsought rewards.

Following the example of the Princes of Serendip, Joe Wright did the preparation for his epic shot and then left the rest to chance, trusting that things would work out well. I think that we, in our everyday lives, need to learn to leave space for those magical, chance happenings. For serendipity.

How to make space for those magical, chance happenings

1. Ditch the distractions

Many of us lead lives that are packed with activity. We are bombarded with information and find it difficult to cope with the sheer volume of information thrown at us. I believe the first step in making space for chance happenings is cutting down this clutter. For example if you have constantly to struggle to keep your inbox clear of spam, change your email address and let only those you want to contact you know what it is. And be careful what you sign up to receive. In the last month, three of my clients have told me that they’ve deleted their Facebook profiles. There’s nothing wrong with Facebook per se, but the sheer volume of distracting emails and contacts it was creating for them had become oppressive. They created more space and time for themselves by freeing themselves from it.

2. Be still

It’s important to spend at least some of the day being still. I start the day with a series of exercises that involve with me lying on the floor, sensing my body and noticing my breathing. Even this morning, when I had to leave the house at 6:15am for an early morning meeting, I spent a few minutes on the floor stilling myself. Experiment with being still at different times of the day, note the effects, and see which works best for you.

3. Stimulate your imagination

The raw material for my writing is the experiences I have of life. But living life is not enough if I’m to be imaginative and novel in my work. I need to spend some time each day reading and making notes from books on psychology and wellbeing. I’m now in the habit of spending ten minutes stimulating my imagination in this way every morning before I start my work for the day, even if I’ve got lots to do. It’s a question of priorities; my work all seems more manageable if I’ve first read extracts from an author whose writing I respect. But it’s a discipline to make myself do this, especially when the tasks of the day are pressing.

4. Make time for the things that give you energy

One of my clients is a wonderful yoga teacher. She is also an astute business woman and a lovely person. My coaching with her has taken the opposite course to that I would have expected. Instead of helping her to come up with goals for herself, and holding her to account, I’ve recently been helping her to let go of goals. She is tremendously self-disciplined and very conscientious. However in the busy-ness of her life, she no longer had time to practise yoga on her own. She needed to give up some of the things she was doing so that she could spend a few minutes three or four times a week doing yoga on her own. For all of us, it’s important to ensure we have time for the things that feed and stimulate us. Think about the things you love doing, that you can lose yourself in. What can you do to make sure you have time for more of them?

5. Let go

When you’ve done the preparation for something, it’s important to let go. Trust yourself that you will do it, and do it well. If you’re plagued by doubt, learn to let go of the fantasy that things are bound to go wrong. You can learn to be more optimistic. You can learn to leave space to chance. To those wonderful unexpected happenings that make being a human being such a rich experience. To serendipity.

Bounce back

2007-08-22T13:40:00.000+01:00

Many of those who write about personal happiness and fulfilment promote the myth that if you do things correctly, you can have, or be, anything you want. It’s rare to hear from such people that sometimes things don’t go your way. But we all live in the real world. We know that no matter how hard we try, how positive our outlook or how strong our belief, sometimes things just don’t work out the way we want them to.

How we respond to setbacks and disappointment is, I believe, the true measure of our character. It’s easy to trust the universe to supply your needs when things are going well. But what about when they’re not?

I’ve been inspired recently by the story of my friend whom I shall call Emma.

She has asked me to remove the story about her relationship from this blog, so there are no details of it here. The important thing is that Emma, bounced back. I offer my tips to help you to bounce back below.

Tips for building your resilience

1. Take responsibility

The first step is to recognise that you have choices. You can decide to take responsibility for how you react to the situation you find yourself in. Try to be constructive rather than letting it get to you, and spending your energy blaming other people or yourself. The more responsibility you take for the situation you find yourself in, even if the fact that you are there may not be your fault, the more likely it is that you’ll find ways to overcome it.

2. Look at things you can do something about

There is no point wasting time and energy on things that you cannot change. The festival goers at Glastonbury this year couldn’t change the fact that it was raining. But we could, and did, decide not to let the rain get us down. We found activities that were under cover and sheltered from the rain. It would have been nice to lounge around a bit more in sunshine, but sunshine was in short supply that weekend!

3. Act

So often action is the best way to deal with feeling trapped or frustrated. Many of those I work with are prone to over-analysing things. They spend so much energy predicting and planning possible outcomes in their heads. What they discover is that when they get on with doing something, they break the spell their thoughts have over them. If you’re in a difficult situation, what’s the first thing you could do to get yourself out of it? When you’ve identified what it is, just do it.

4. Keep things in perspective

When we’re disappointed or frustrated, it’s easy for things to seem larger or more powerful that they actually are. We taunt ourselves with thoughts that “this always happens to me”, or that it’s “typical”. The reality is likely to be more nuanced. If we can take a deep breath, step back and look in on the situation, we can sometimes see that things aren’t as bad as they seem.

5. Persevere

I’m always impressed with people who keep on plugging away, despite setbacks. Just because a date hasn’t worked out, for example, doesn’t mean that you’re destined always to be alone. The fact that someone hasn’t responded to your call may not mean they don’t want to speak to you. It may just have slipped their mind. Give it another try. Don’t give up!

Resilience is a wonderful asset. The ability to bounce back is one of the characteristics of people who make the most of their lives. Resolve today to be resilient and bounce back whenever life presents its inevitable challenges.

Believe in yourself

2007-07-10T15:56:00.000+01:00

Over the last few weeks I’ve made friends with Tom Robinson. For those of you with long enough memories, Tom was a famous pop star in the ‘70s and ‘80s. He’s now a presenter on BBC 6 Music. We met through MySpace and became friends after we discovered that we lived in the same part of London. When we had lunch together recently, we spent a lot of time talking about success. One of the things that Tom does is to coach people who want to make it in the music business. He helps them with all aspects of making, producing and promoting music. His line is that anyone can make it if they’re prepared to work hard enough and make sacrifices. Talent is secondary to the determination to succeed.

My firm conviction is that people succeed with a combination of talent, self-belief and hard work. Of these, I think that self-belief is the most important. When he was just 17 years old, George Michael won a record contract for himself and Andrew Ridgely because he knew, in the depths of his soul, that he’d written a song that would be a number one. His utter conviction that in Careless Whisper he had a hit gave him the drive charmingly to batter his way into record companies’ offices and to get meetings with the men who gave Wham! their first record contract. Looking back he considers the teenage George to have been “an arrogant little bastard”, but his deep self-belief in his talents were the spur to his early success.

So many talented, hardworking people are stuck in mediocrity because they don’t believe in themselves. Many of us were brought up to be modest and to understate our strengths. It’s sadly a strong part of the British character.

I’d love to rid Britain of this tendency to put ourselves down. It saddens me when people feel their talents belong in the shade, not in the full light of successful expression. In contrast, I find myself inspired by those who are talented, and make the most of their flair and their gifts. It’s wonderful when talent, self-belief and hard work come together and lend fulfilment to those who express them. Our country would be the richer for a little more celebration of such success.

Self-belief seems to be the one area that holds back so much latent talent. I offer my tips on boosting your self-belief below. If any of this rings bells for you, do get in touch. I’d love to hear from you.

Let this summer be the time when you take yourself and your talents seriously, and enjoy them. Resolve to do something constructive about them before the leaves begin to fall. May each one of you enrich the world by making the most of whatever it is that you’re good at. Be someone who brings their talents into the light.

My tips for building self-belief

1. Watch your language

Use conversations with other people as opportunities to build yourself up rather than put yourself down. What impression do you give when you say “it’s only me” or “I’m not really that good at it”? If your conversation is peppered with self-criticism, you will drain other people’s energy and good will. Instead, you can choose to present a self-assured image to the world. Accept people’s praise and compliments. It’s not arrogant to say “thank you” when someone tells you how well you’ve done.

2. Spend time with those who build you up

We all know people whose negativity drains us of energy. If you want to build yourself up, you need to spend less time with such people. Foster and nurture relationships with those who have a positive outlook on life. From your friends, who makes you feel the best about yourself? Resolve to see more of them and make arrangements to do so.

3. Affirm yourself

If you were an outsider, looking in on your life, what things would you say to support and encourage yourself? Build these into a list of affirmations. They might be things like “I am a talented musician” or “I am a good mother” or “I will make the most of my life”. It’s important to give yourself positive messages, even if at the time you don’t feel like you believe them. Repeat them to yourself as often as you can.

4. Persevere

Success is unlikely to come to you on a plate. The way I’ve built my coaching business up is a testimony to my perseverance. I’m not put off by people not returning my calls or answering my emails. Last week I heard back from two potential sources of new work who both praised my charming persistence. These leads are both moving forward, and are likely to bring me work. Neither would have done so without my dogged determination.

5. Keep things in perspective

Some would suggest that you need to become totally absorbed by your goals if you are to succeed. I think that enduring success will depend on leading a balanced life. It’s important to maintain relationships with those that matter to you, and to have a life that’s about more than just your ambitions. You’ll have more energy to make things happen if your life is more balanced.

Let your belief in yourself be the spur to your making the most of your talents. Build yourself up, work hard and believe in your ability to make the most of who you are. You are unique. Rejoice in that uniqueness. Bring your talents into the light.

Honour your word

2007-06-17T09:46:00.000+01:00

How many times has someone promised they’d ring you, only to let you down? As modern means of keeping in touch have mushroomed, it seems that our ability to communicate sometimes suffers. When the only means of leaving a message for someone was an answerphone, if you left a message, you could be pretty sure the person would ring you back. Now you have the option of text, email, instant messaging and voicemail to several phones, I wonder whether messages sometimes get lost, or people feel overwhelmed, or they just don’t want to talk to me!

I think that part of the problem comes from our desire to please other people. This especially applies if someone is waiting for something. We want to please them, so promise that they’ll have it by Wednesday, say. The truth is we know that it will be a struggle to get it done by then, but we’re embarrassed to admit that they’re not likely to have it until the end of the week. So we make an unrealistic promise and fail to meet it.

This array of communication available to us plays a part. How often have you lost emails that you had meant to do something about? I know that many people struggle to keep on top of emails, especially at work. We mean to respond to somebody, get distracted by something else, and then lose the opportunity.

The ability to keep our word is a key part of our personal integrity. This aspect of our character is, I believe, vital to the success of our long-term relationships. It is important in both our private and working lives. The more often you fail to do what you say you’ll do, the more you erode others’ trust and confidence in you. If you’re happy to have casual friends, this may not matter. But if you want relationships that are going to endure, and a career that is going to be satisfying, I think it’s vital to treat your communication with others with the respect it deserves.

I offer my tips below on how to do just that: how to manage the many means of communication you have better, how to become more reliable, how to follow through on your promises. Above all, how to honour your word.

1. Be careful what you promise

The golden rule is to under-promise and over-deliver, rather than over-promise and under-deliver. When somebody asks me to send them something, I always add a few days on to my estimate of when I’ll have done it. So, for example, I say that I’ll let someone have an article by the middle of next week, when I know, that I’m actually likely to be able to finish it this week. This takes the pressure off me, and means that I usually deliver things to people before they were expecting them. It’s particularly vital to under-promise when you’re up against it. If something is going to be late, it’s better to negotiate producing it three days late at the offset, and deliver it two days late, rather than to promise earnestly that it’ll be only one day late, only for you to miss this new deadline.

2. Focus on what’s important: Switch off your email

I’m in the middle of a very busy week. I’m writing this article first thing in the morning as I’ve got a full day of appointments. I’ve not yet opened my email; I don’t want to be distracted by the messages I may have there. The most important thing for me to be doing at the moment is finishing this article. I’m not going to open my email program until I finish the first draft. I would recommend that whenever you’ve got something important to do, you switch off your email program completely. At the very least, switch off the distracting signals that new mail has arrived so that you can focus on the task in hand.

3. Focus on what’s important: Manage your subscriptions

How many newsletters do you subscribe to? To what extent is your inbox cluttered with bulletins about events that you might have been interested in, but no longer have time for? I think it’s worth taking time to think about the things you have signed up to. If you don’t read a particular newsletter or bulletin, take yourself off the subscription list. This usually takes only a few seconds. This will help you to have an inbox that is less cluttered, so you’re more likely to be able to hold on to the messages that are important.

4. Focus on what’s important: Manage your time

Be realistic about what you can and can’t do. I don’t have a rolling to-do list. It’s so depressing and disempowering to have a list that never gets any shorter. I plan my activities on a weekly and daily basis. Each Monday morning I set out my goals for the week, bearing in mind the time that I have available. I include work, personal and domestic tasks on this list. It’s important to be realistic. If I know that I won’t have time to do a particular task in a given week, I don’t write it on that week’s list. Each day I establish what the one most important thing is for me to do on that day. I make sure that, above all else, that task gets done.

5. Focus on what’s important: concentrate on the people that matter

It’s all too easy to get distracted by communication with people who are not really that important in our lives. Who are the friends that matter the most to you? Who do you want to be there for you in years to come? These are the people you should be focusing your efforts on. Make sure you treat them with courtesy and respect. By doing so, you are building up these relationships so that they are much more likely to endure.

There are some simple things you can do to increase your levels of personal integrity. Being a person of your word is vial to your long-term success and happiness. Good luck with putting it all into action. It’s time for me to check my email!

Who pushes your buttons?

2007-05-24T08:07:00.000+01:00

I’ve often heard people say that they got wound up because someone “pushed their buttons”. I went to a fantastic concert on Sunday night. In the crowd on my way out of the venue, someone with a glass in his hand knocked into me. He spilled some of his beer. I mumbled an apology and carried on my way. He wasn’t happy, though. He wanted to make something of it. “You bumped into me” he shouted angrily at me. I had pushed his buttons. I wonder if he was trying to push mine.

Over the years I’ve schooled myself not to react in such situations. This approach has come from my belief that I want to save my energy for things that are worth expending it on. To my mind it is a complete waste of our energy to get drawn into an exchange with a stranger about something so trivial as a few drops of spilled beer. I therefore ignored the man’s cries and disappeared into the crowd.

We sometimes get wound up when certain things happen to us, or when someone interacts with us in a given way. I want to suggest that we can learn to school our reaction to events around us. Much of my work as a coach is about helping people to see that their reaction to things is something that they can learn to control. Just because someone is apt to wind us up, it doesn’t mean that this pattern is destined to continue forever. You can learn not to react, not to get wound up. Not to let them push your buttons.

I’ve seen that as people learn to regulate their reactions to things, their sense of being in control of their life increases. The impotent rage that some have felt each time they’ve been stuck on a train that’s not moving, for example, goes. Others have learnt how not to get wound up by pressure piled on by colleagues. This reduces their stress levels and makes them open to ways to improve the situation. When we’re wound up we can’t see clearly. We tend towards black-and-white thinking (“Nothing’s going right. Typical, this always happens. I can’t cope.”) We expend energy on complaining or even carping, when it could be spent on making things better.

Whatever the situation you find yourself in, no matter how powerless you feel, you can always do something about your reaction.

This summer, why not conserve your energy for the things that matter? Don’t let others wind you up. Instead, use your energy to do something positive, maybe even new and creative.

You decide which of your buttons you want others to push.

Take control of your reactions

1. Stop

If you find yourself getting wound up, the first thing to do is to stop. Acknowledge what’s happening and take a deep breath. If it’s possible to get away from the cause of your discomfort, do. For example, if someone is winding you up on a train because they’re speaking loudly on their mobile phone, don’t tut and exchange knowing looks with your fellow passengers, get up and move.

2. Deal with the right person

If you’re at a station and had to wait half an hour for a taxi because of the length of the queue, it’s childish and a waste of time to have a go at the driver of the taxi which eventually picks you up. Similarly, what is the point of berating the check-out clerk about the length of a queue in a supermarket? If the situation means that much to you, speak to someone who can do something about it (like the manager). In most cases, though, I think it’s better just to move on. You may feel that you want to let some of your frustration out through having a go at a clerk, for example, but I believe the best way is not to allow yourself to get frustrated in the first place.

3. Distract yourself

One of the techniques for preventing frustration from building up in the first place is to distract yourself. Think about something good that is coming your way soon. When is that next holiday, and what are you going to do on it? Try looking at the people around you. Look at their faces. What are their stories? But make sure you do this in a friendly, open way, not in a conspiratorial way. If you go looking for others to share in your frustrations, you’ll wind yourself up.

4. Put things in context

When we’re in the thick of a situation that is costing us energy, it can grow out of all proportions. “Typical. This always happens” we can say to ourselves. The reality is usually more subtle. We don’t always get drawn into conflict with our bosses or partners. If you manage to think about the grand scheme of things, the frustration you’re facing can pale into insignificance. I think about my beautiful niece and nephew in such situations. I remember their smiles and their childlike approach to life. This connects me with the wider world and puts things in context.

5. Do something positive

Action is a good antidote to stress and frustration. Determine the things you can do. In the short term, you may just have to buckle down and get on with the tasks you’ve been given at work. But you can resolve to talk to your boss or your colleagues so that next time this situation arises, you’ve got some support. And when you get on with things, you’ll find that your mood lifts.

You can learn to school your reactions. You decide which buttons are pushed. Use this knowledge to empower you to live a fuller life.

The voice of experience

2007-04-13T16:43:00.000+01:00

When I met my partner, Tony, he was a rising star in the police service. Soon after we became friends, he was appointed as the youngest-ever sergeant of a market town, in charge of the police station and a dozen or so constables. Most of those who reported to him were many years his senior. The culture of the police at the time was to give deference to people’s years of service. So someone with 20 years’ experience, say, was afforded more respect than someone like Tony who had been a police officer for only four years.

I remember Tony’s first few weeks in charge of the station. He had to work hard to win the respect of his new colleagues. A few weeks into the job, he said to me that he wondered whether one of the constables who boasted of his 20 years’ experience actually had one year’s experience repeated 20 times. This officer was resistant to change and seemed destined to always do things the way he always had. He was very set in his ways.

For many years I worked for a large international consultancy. I used to love having my annual appraisal. I saw it as an opportunity to engage with my manager, to learn, to receive and offer feedback, and to grow. It saddened me how many of my colleagues were cynical about the appraisal process. They paid only lip-service to it and got very little from it.

The opportunity to receive constructive feedback is one we should all relish. It’s one of the ways in which we can learn. The sad thing is how easily we become defensive whenever there’s the slightest whiff of criticism. Our sense of pride seems to stop many of us from learning from what we do, and the effect of our actions on our desired outcomes.

So next time you have the opportunity to learn, why not be open instead of closed, unguarded instead of defensive, innovative instead of repeating the same old patterns? Make sure that every year counts, so that in 2027 you can look back and see that you had 20 years of learning, not one year of learning repeated 20 times. Let the voice of experience speak to you.

I offer my tips on how to do this below.

Listen to the voice of experience

1. Drop your defensiveness

It seems to be a natural human reaction to become defensive whenever we’re criticised. It is important to over-ride this if you’re going to learn from other people’s comments. You can judge the validity or usefulness of someone’s criticisms most effectively if you listen to them first. If somebody offers you feedback that makes you feel defensive, decide to bite your tongue. Rather than defending yourself, try saying something like “is there anything else?” or “tell me more about why you think that”. You’ll be surprised how this can take the heat out of a situation that could have led to conflict. And it allows you the opportunity to judge and learn from another’s opinion.

2. Reflect

If you want to change some aspect of your life, it’s important to reflect on what works for you, and what doesn’t. You might be unhappy in your work, or have problems with relationships with those close to you, or have issues with debt. Think about the things over which you have control and start two lists, a list of things you do well and a list of things you do poorly . Try to make the list as exhaustive as possible. The things you do well could include your loyalty and your openness. The list of weaknesses might include your insecurity or possessiveness.

3. Learn

What are the effects of the things you’ve written on your two lists? How do they affect you? How do they affect others? Try to be as honest and as comprehensive as possible. What can you do to enhance and develop the things you do well, and reduce the incidence or impact of those things you do poorly?

4. Plan

Given the effects you’ve identified, what are you going to do about the things on your list? If your issue is money, how much money should you be spending each month and how will you monitor it? If your issue is trust, what steps can you take to build it? If it’s lack of progress with your career that causes you grief, how can you change things? Concentrate on the things you can do, such as changing your attitude or the way in which you engage with others, rather than on things that you can’t do anything about such as the company’s culture or your boss’s bad temper.

5. Act

Once you’ve planned, it’s time to act, to put what you’ve identified into practice. If possible, try not to take it too seriously and treat it as lightly as you can. Maybe even have fun with the targets you’ve set for yourself.

You don’t have to always do what you’ve always done. Why not take a few minutes today to think about the areas in your life which you know you need to change and come up with a plan for how to bring that change about? You can change your life for the better. The time to do it is now. Listen to that voice.

Build your trust

2007-03-08T10:05:00.001Z

Trust is a precious commodity. It binds lovers together and helps to make society function. It is a powerful force for good that can lead to transformations in people’s lives. We all know how empowering it is when we are trusted. And how lack of trust belittles and constrains us. This month I offer you my reflections on how to build up trust, trust in yourself and trust in other people.

I’ve worked for a variety of bosses in my time. The best bosses were those who trusted me. They set the parameters of what they expected from me and left me to get on with my job in whatever way I thought best. They were available for advice if I sought it, but didn’t impose their ideas of how I should do my job. Their trust in me was empowering. They were the bosses who got the best from me.

In contrast I have worked for plenty of bosses who tried to micro-manage me. I think their approach belied a lack of trust. The result of this was that I felt disempowered. The quality of my work suffered as a result.

In my personal life I’m lucky to have had friends, family and a partner who trust me. This has allowed me to flourish and be fully myself, something for which I’m truly grateful. Many do not have the security that I have enjoyed. For them building up and maintaining trust is more difficult. But it can be done.

I think the opposite of trust is worry. We all have imaginations. We can use these to build ourselves up or to do ourselves damage. One of my clients talks about the “negative snowballs” she creates for herself. She’s quick to jump on the slightest sign of a problem in her relationship with her boyfriend and blow things out of all proportions. Then her worries grow like a rolling snowball, run out of control, drawing her down with them. I did my own “negative snowballing” over arrangements for a social function last week. It was so counter-productive and costly. In the end it proved totally unnecessary.

The trick to building up trust is, I believe, to use your imagination creatively. Use it to see positive outcomes instead of negative ones. Use it to see solutions rather than problems. Use it to set people free rather than constrain them.

We start with a seed of hope and, with care, we can nurture this into something bigger and altogether more powerful. If you are used to giving vent to your worries, try changing your mindset. It may feel odd at first. But with practice, you can do it. You can learn to build your trust in yourself and in other people. Maybe there are positive snowballs too!

I offer my tips on how to create them below.

Creating positive snowballs

1. Avoid generalisations

Try to avoid black and white ways of thinking and expressing yourself. You may be tempted to say “I always do that” when something goes wrong, but the truth is more likely to be more subtle. If you find yourself thinking in this way, stop, and take a deep breath. Try to think of something that makes you laugh or lightens your mood. And then express yourself in more measured terms. Something along the lines of “This time I messed up, but I’m learning from the experience and am less likely to make the same mistake next time.” You should also avoid making generalisations about your partner. Jibes such as “you always do that” often lead to rows. If you’ve got an issue, be specific. And own your reactions to it. “I felt hurt” is better than “you hurt me”.

2. Start small

Building trust is something that’s usually done incrementally. As children grow up, parents trust them to go further afield as they get older. You can do the same with yourself or with your partner. If the intention is to build trust, start with something small. For example, ask your partner to do something for you and really trust that they will do it. You might explain that it’s part of an exercise to build up trust. You don’t want to catch them out, but to build them up. Start with the small things and then move on to the bigger more important things as you’ve begun to build the trust.

3. Act as if you trusted

Ask yourself how you would act if you really did trust yourself, or the person in question. Imagine what your behaviour and bearing would be. Try to see it in your imagination. And then act it out in real life. It might feel odd or unfamiliar at first, but this is a very powerful tool.

4. Be aware

Be aware of your needs for rest, space or food. This is particularly important if you feel that an argument is brewing. If you’re in a foul mood because you’re hungry, have something to eat. If you’re tired and grumpy, go to bed. If you’ve got issues with your partner, avoid alcohol. Try to deal with things when you are both strong. Be aware of what’s going on with your body and its basic needs. Don’t try to sort things out when you’re vulnerable.

5. Believe

Believe that you can do it. This is the key to all change. See yourself growing in trust. If you do this, your subconscious will pick up the little signs that reinforce this belief, thereby making the process of change possible.

You can learn to grow in trust, trust in yourself and trust a partner. But to do this takes time, application and effort. Why not commit to doing something to build trust this month? Have a go, and enjoy the results. Have fun with the snowballs!

Boost your intuitions

2007-02-15T12:27:00.000Z

Last month I wrote about Professor Richard Wiseman’s research into the lives led by lucky and unlucky people. According to Wiseman, one of the distinguishing features of lucky people is that they listen to, and act on, their lucky hunches. We also call lucky hunches intuition, that ability to draw on deep-seated impulses to act in a certain way without too much pre-determined thought.

It’s not magic. Intuition is about tapping in to the reservoirs of knowledge and experience that are deeply embedded in our subconscious. When we act intuitively, we don’t need to reflect or analyse; we just know. I’m a great believer in intuitions. Many of the life-changing decisions I’ve made have been based on my instincts, rather than on more detached, rational assessment of the pros and cons of a given situation. But as I’ve read more widely on intuitions since making the commitment to write about them, I’ve realised that there are pitfalls to intuition, too. George Bush is a person who famously claims to be intuitive. In an interview last year he said “It's easy to lose resolve if you made decisions based upon polls. If you make decisions based upon what you believe in your heart of hearts, you stay resolved.” He boasts of being a gut player and relying on his instincts. And we can all see the mess that has got him in. Perhaps his mistake here is that he bases his gut reactions on a blind externally-driven faith, rather than relying on the deep vein of creative help which is in his sub-conscious.

In David Myers’ Intuition: Its Powers and Perils there are many examples of how often people relying on their gut instincts misinterpret reality. He highlights overconfidence when responding to factual questions and predicting behaviour as two of the pitfalls of intuition. His conclusion is “Let us welcome the creative whispers of the unseen mind, but as the beginning of inquiry. Smart thinking, critical thinking, often begins with self-reliant hunches, but continues as one examines assumptions, evaluates evidence, invites critique, and tests conclusions.” I think that good hunches can also be the result of much careful thought and consideration in the past.

I like Myers’ note of caution, but think that, on the whole, I’m a believer in the power of intuition. Why not take a look at your own life and make a list of the times you followed your intuition. Balance this against a list of times you didn’t. Which list is the one which led to the best decisions? My hunch is that for most of us, our intuitive decisions are the best ones.

There are things we can do to develop our intuitions. As they’re about tapping into our subconscious reservoirs of experience and knowledge, it’s important to develop these reservoirs. Make sure you are out there, living, not locked up inside your own head. Or, dare I say it, living in a virtual world. A good cook knows intuitively how much of each ingredient to combine in a dish, but he knows this because he’s done it so many times. You need to practise something before you can do it intuitively.

As with so much of life, using and boosting your intuitions is about finding a balance. You do need to examine assumptions, evaluate evidence and test conclusions. Especially if your decision is as monumental as President Bush’s. But for most of us, boosting our intuitive powers would be beneficial. I suggest five ways to do this below.

1. Take time out

Many of us lead lives that are full. We have little time for contemplation or quiet. It’s in the quieter moments, when our minds are clearest, that we often have our best ideas. If your life is too busy, what can you do to take time out? How often do you sit down and really listen to music, or notice the moon, or take in the beauty of a scene? Make a plan to have some more contemplative times. Write them in your diary if this helps. Create space to rest your mind and see what happens.

2. Keep notes of good ideas

Have you ever kicked yourself because you’ve forgotten a brilliant idea that you had a few hours (or even days) previously? I think it’s important to capture good ideas as they come. I have a notebook for the bigger things in life and a page in my diary where I write more mundane things such as films I’d like to see or books I’d like to read. See how you get on with recording the good ideas you have. My hunch is that this will help to prime the pump of your creativity, which leads me on to tip three…

3. Unleash your creativity

What can you do to express your creative side more fully? It may be as simple as picking up a pencil and some paper and drawing the scene you’re looking at. Drawing could also help you to take time out as I encouraged in tip one. Maybe you express your creativity through cooking, or entertaining, or caring. Whatever it is, make a plan to do more of it.

4. Develop your skills and experience

As intuitions are all about drawing subconsciously on all our knowledge and experience that we have stored, it’s important to develop these aspects of yourself. What are the areas you’d like to develop? Are there things you’d like to know more about? What can you do to learn about them? Are there courses available, or books you could read? Write down all the possible things you could do, and make a plan to do some of them.

5. Be wary of things you don’t know much about

A final note of caution on intuition: if don’t know much about something, be careful about trusting your intuitions. Find out more before making any hasty decisions. There are limits to the usefulness of intuitions.

I believe that for most of the big decisions in life, our intuitions provide us with a means to understand effortlessly what we should do. Trust yourself to make the right decisions. Make them, and don’t look back.

Learn to be lucky

2007-01-17T07:58:00.000Z

It disturbs me that some people seem to lead charmed lives while others’ seem blighted. Thomas Hardy’s novels often feature characters who make one bad decision that has knock-on effects all the way through their lives. As I read Tess of the d’Urbervilles and the Mayor of Casterbridge, I willed the main characters to break the cycle of catastrophe that they seemed stuck in. Alas neither Tess nor Michael Henchard managed to do this and both came to a sad end.

Just before Christmas, I heard a radio programme about luck. It featured Professor Richard Wiseman of the Psychology Department at the University of Hertfordshire. He has spent many years studying the difference between lucky and unlucky people. His research shows that those who consider themselves to be lucky really continue to have more luck than those who think they are unlucky. And it’s not only about positive thinking. Lucky people notice and react positively to chance opportunities. They are more intuitive in their decision making. They are optimistic and resilient.

But what interested me most was Professor Wiseman’s evidence that unlucky people can learn to be luckier. This offers hope to all of us, whether our lives seem charmed or not.

Much of what he says is just common sense. People who win competitions tend to enter a lot of competitions; it’s obvious that the more entries you make, the more likely you are to win something. The same is true of relationships. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone who will be able to help you with your career, or will become a trusted friend, or even a lover.

However, he has shown that lucky people don’t go into social situations with a fixed agenda. They go in with open minds. They notice and engage with people. Others are drawn to them.
I know from my own experience that when I go to a social gathering determined to make a new business contact, for example, it’s unnatural and rarely works. If, however, I relax, am myself and go with the flow, extraordinary things sometimes happen. I met some of my best friends in the most unexpected places.

So whatever else you do this year, why not make 2007 the year when you take steps to be luckier? If you see yourself as someone like Tess who is doomed to go through life making the wrong decisions, now is the time to stop and think about what you can do to change the way your life is going. If you are basically happy, what can you do to develop how you make the most of all that comes your way?

I summarise the main points of Professor Wiseman’s book below. I also offer coaching to help you to be happier and more confident.

Be lucky in 2007!

Dr Wiseman’s Four Principals of Luck

1. Maximise your chance opportunities

Lucky people notice and react positively to chance opportunities in their life. They build and maintain strong networks. They have a relaxed attitude towards life. They are open to new experiences in their lives.

2. Listen to your lucky hunches

Lucky people listen to their gut feelings and hunches. They take steps to boost their intuition. I’ll say more about how to do this in next month’s article.

3. Expect good fortune

Lucky people expect their good luck to continue in the future. They strive for goals even if their chances of success seem slim. They persevere in the face of failure. They expect their interactions with others to be lucky and successful.

4. Turn your bad luck into good

Lucky people see the positive side of their bad luck. They are convinced that an ill fortune in their life will, in the long run, work out for the best. They do not dwell on their ill fortune. They take constructive steps to prevent more bad luck in the future.

Most important of all: you can learn skills to help you to become luckier. You can take control of much of how your life turns out for you. To find out more, contact me.

Free yourself from fear

2006-12-15T14:36:00.000Z

It saddens me how many of those I work with are held back by fear: of the unknown, of doing something risky, of others’ disapproval.

Fear can have positive purposes. I’m glad my two year-old nephew feels fear. When he’s on the climbing frame in the park, he doesn’t get too near the edge of the platform. When he’s up high, I can see him working out the risks as he contemplates his position. Thankfully he’s got a good sense of what’s an acceptable risk.

But many other of our fears hold us back. Although understandable, they are an obstruction to our development and well-being. We don’t speak to the person we’re drawn to because we fear rejection. We don’t do what we truly believe for fear of what others might think. We play safe, and lead small lives as a result. Can you remember times when you so wanted to do something, and then felt bad because some petty but powerful fear crept up inside you and stopped you from going ahead?

When you’re feeling frightened of something, I think the trick is to concentrate your attention and energies on your desired outcome, not whatever it is you’re frightened of. So, for example, when you are held back from taking a bold step by fear of others’ disapproval, imagine instead what things will be like once you’ve taken that step. What will you feel like? What will your bearing be? How will you look? Allow yourself to be energised by the picture of how things will be once you’ve done whatever it is you want to do. Then you will find that you’re on the way to breaking the power that fear has over you.

Many successful people use visualisations to help them to succeed. When I’m addressing a group, I make sure I know what it is I want to say, sometimes even memorising the opening lines. But rather than getting nervous, I put most of my energy into visualising myself looking relaxed in front of the group and receiving their positive affirmation. It’s amazing how this technique has helped to hone my public speaking skills. Because I’ve seen the event in my mind’s eye in such detail, and imagined it going well, when I stand up to speak it’s almost as if I’ve done it before. This helps me to relax and connect with the audience.

So is the answer to “feel the fear and do it anyhow” as the title of a best-selling self-help book suggests? To a degree. But I suggest it’s best to acknowledge the fear, and then concentrate your energies on the outcome you desire.

So next time you find yourself held back by fear, take time to relax and imagine the outcome of doing whatever it is you are going to do. Be fed by the energy that flows from this. I’m sure that with practice, you will learn to free yourself from fear.

Happy Christmas to you, and may 2007 be a year when you are supremely, and fearlessly, yourself.

Go with the flow

2006-11-17T08:54:00.000Z

I love the game of backgammon. I’ve written before about how, for me, it is a good metaphor for life. It’s a game that combines skill and chance. You have no control over the dice that you throw. But how you use the numbers thrown on the dice is entirely up to you. The first half of each game is where your skill comes to the fore: you build up your strength so as to be in a good place to do well in the second part of the game which is much more driven by chance.

So often we expend energy analysing and trying to work out possible future outcomes for our lives, which may or may not come to pass. We second-guess others’ reactions or plan possible speeches in our heads. This can be very costly for us in terms of emotions, and distracts us from what I believe is most important, living in the here and now. We should be building up our strength by dealing with what we know, what we understand, what we can cope with, in the present. Then, as life’s dice fall, we are more ready and prepared to deal with the unpredictable, able to face all that comes our way.

Much of life coaching is about helping people to plan their lives. In my work I help people to think through how they would like their life to be. We then work out together what they need to do, in the present, to bring this into reality. This involves setting clear and achievable goals. There is a cliché that in failing to plan, we plan to fail. As with so many clichés, there is some truth in it, and being clear about what we want to achieve in the future certainly helps. But we also need to recognise that there are limits on what planning can do for us. We can plan our actions, but our capacity to control others’ reactions is limited.

So, I think that the way to find the right balance between planning and letting life flow its natural course is to build up trust. In yourself. As you build up this trust, and believe in the innate goodness in life, it’s easier to go with the flow. As in the first half of a game of backgammon, if you trust yourself, you can put your energy into making the most of whatever the dice give you. Then, when the unpredictable future unravels, you are able to draw on your instinctive thoughts and reactions to make the most of life.

Trust is a fragile entity. Once it’s been lost it’s hard to restore. But it is possible to do simple things to augment it. I suggest below some things you can do to build up your trust, so that you can find for yourself the right balance between conscious planning and the more natural, intuitive reactions to what your life presents.

Both halves of the game of backgammon are best played as a seamless whole, letting the two merge and weave together. Perhaps life is best played the same way too!

Build up your trust in yourself

1. Keep things in perspective

When we get a knock-back, it’s easy to convince ourselves that this always happens to us. The reality, if we take a more objective, dispassionate look, is usually somewhat different. Avoid the temptation to berate yourself with “I always do that”. Even if you have a pattern of behaviour, it doesn’t have to be the way things are going to be forever. Try to keep a sense of perspective. Allow yourself to feel the disappointment, or whatever it is you feel, but once that has passed, try to look at things in a calm and more kindly way. What did you do that was good? What can you learn from the experience? What has happened at other times that has been different?

2. Give yourself positive messages

It saddens me how many talented attractive people make themselves miserable because they put themselves down. Perhaps they were brought up to be modest and humble. Nobody likes a show-off, but I think we are all uplifted by people who enjoy using their gifts. What is it that makes you unique? What makes you special? Try to come up with a list of things that you can praise yourself for. They could be qualities that you often overlook such as your compassion or your loyalty. See if you can come up with an affirmation for each item on your list. For example, you could say “I am a good person because I make people feel good about themselves”. Try to make your affirmations short and pithy so that you can remember them. Use them as often as you can to build yourself up.

3. Relax

If you are wound up, it’s much more difficult to see things in perspective. When you are agitated your brain is capable only of black-and-white thinking. That’s why it’s important to find ways to wind down. Not only is it good for you, but it helps you to see things more clearly, and to be more constructive about situations. If you are agitated, stop doing what you are doing. Then take deep breaths. Look out at the world around you. Remember things that make you laugh. In the longer term, think about what you like to do to relax. How often do you do it? Why not plan to do more of it?

4. Keep hope

I’m always impressed by those who live out hope in adversity. They keep plugging away, even in the face of overwhelming odds. Allow yourself the hope that things might get better. In my experience, this unlocks resources in us that often lie hidden. If you had hope, how would things be different? What are you going to do about it?

5. Keep going

All new skills require practice. Building up trust in yourself is like any other skill. You may get setbacks, but you can learn from these. And you just keep on trying. Then it gradually gets easier. Imagine how much better your life would be if you trusted in yourself. Let that drive you on.

Enjoy the fact that as you grow in trust, you are much more able to go with the flow and make the most of life, whatever dice you throw.

Manage your mood

2006-10-10T09:00:00.000+01:00

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “he got out of the wrong side of bed this morning”. We use it to describe people who are grumpy or irritable. I think we all have days when we make heavy weather of things. And yet on other days, everything seems to be a breeze. This article is about practical things you can do to manage your mood.

There are those who say that it is possible to choose your mood. They contend that your mood is a consequence of an act of will. You can override negative feelings and choose to have a bright, cheery outlook.

On the other hand, there are those who think we are at the mercy of whatever life throws at us. They see mood as connected to external events. For them, happiness is short-lived and fragile. When they’re happy, it’s as if they’re walking a tightrope, and a gust of wind could push them off into negativity and gloom.

I tend towards the first position, but think that the assertion that you choose your mood is a bit stark for most of us. It’s particularly difficult if there is a strong cause for pain or distress in your life. We have to live with and through those feelings. But in everyday life, I think there are some practical things that we can all do to help urge ourselves towards a positive outlook and optimism.

For me it’s important to eat. If I’m hungry, I become ratty, and that’s that. It’s amazing how even the first few mouthfuls of food transform my outlook. Once I’ve got some food inside me, the world looks completely different.

Sleep is also important. There are some good tips on sleeping well on the BBC health website http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/articles/advicetips.shtml Tiredness makes it more difficult to lift our mood, so getting a good night’s sleep is key to keeping our mood positive.

But if we’ve slept well, and have got food in our stomach, then I believe that, in the normal run of things, our mood is largely down to us. We can choose to take a positive, optimistic outlook on life, or we can choose to get into a flap. Spending time outdoors, taking part in activities that engage us and enjoying time with other people usually help our mood.

I outline below some practical things you can do to help keep your mood positive. You might also find my post, Beat the Blues useful. I think it’s important to think about how we will stay upbeat as the clocks go back.

So can you choose your mood? To a large extent I think you can. See if you can do just that, and get out of the right side of bed, every morning!

Managing your mood: practical tips

1. Be aware

Sometimes we slip into fretting about things or negativity without realising it. Take time out to notice what frame of mind you’re in. Are you wearing a frown? Is your jaw tight? Is your stomach knotted? These are all signs of stress and anxiety. If you become aware of them, you have the opportunity to do something about them.

2. Take action

Action can often be the antidote to worry. Rather than fret about all the things you face, work out what the first step towards solving the problem might be, and do it.

3. Work on your outlook

You may not be able to do anything about external circumstances, but you can do something about your reaction to them. See what happens if you decide to adopt a positive outlook. Are you a glass-half-empty person? If so, what are you going to do about it?

4. Be kind

As those of you who were Smiths fans in the eighties may know, “it takes guts to be gentle and kind”. Kindness really does make a difference, to you, and to those around you. Being kind will boost your mood and take you out of yourself.

5. Smile!

Smiling is infectious. You’ll be surprised how well people respond to you if you catch their eye and smile. Smiling lifts your mood. If you find yourself feeling down, force yourself to smile. It helps you to connect to the reserves of goodwill and positive energy that are within you.

You can learn to manage your mood so that you don’t get dragged down by the cares or worries we all face. Have a go now. With practice you can learn to make sure that you remain positive and upbeat, no matter what life throws at you.

Beat the blues

2006-10-04T10:34:00.000+01:00

Beat the Blues

You probably don’t need reminding that autumn is well underway. Despite the recent Indian summer, the clocks will go back at the end of this month. The hours of darkness already outnumber the hours of daylight. Within a few weeks it will be dark by mid-afternoon.

Now is a good time to think about what you will do to keep the winter blues at bay. How will you get through the dark nights, rain and cold? This article is about the practical things you can do to ensure your winter wellbeing.

I believe the best way to ensure happiness is to get involved in something that really engages you. You can get short-term highs from all sorts of things, but the most sustained happiness comes through doing something which takes you out of yourself. For me it’s the company of friends, and entertaining. I spend many happy hours in the kitchen preparing food for people. What do you do that makes you lose track of time?

We all need things to look forward to. Make sure that you plan things you like to do throughout the winter months. These may be social, sporting or cultural events. If possible, try to do these things with other people. The company of friends can help to bring us out of ourselves and stop us getting caught in self-pity.

It’s important to exercise well in winter. Simple stretches in the morning can help to get you limbered up to face the day and help to lift your mood. If you spend a lot of time in a car, or at a desk, make sure that you find opportunities to stretch your legs. If you don’t like the rain, get outside when it’s not raining! Exercise doesn’t have to be strenuous. A walk in the park from time-to-time does us all good.

Eat well. It’s easy to say, but sometimes not that easy to do. Try to find foods that give you energy and make you feel good. Have you tried the autumn produce in the shops? Have you tasted the difference between an English apple and one that’s come half way round the world?

Make sure you do things for other people. Selfishness is self-defeating. Eventually people will give up on you if all you think about is yourself. Find ways of engaging with people around you. Do things to help them and see what effect it has on both you and them.

If anything I have written has made you think, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to call me on 07947 959869 or send me an email. I am offering a free session to anyone interested in exploring how they might use coaching to be happier and more fulfilled. I’d be delighted to hear from you to set a time and date.

Make this autumn a fruitful time of preparation for the long winter nights to come. Enjoy the passage of the season safe in the knowledge that you are ready to face the winter and live life to the full through the dark nights ahead.

Beat the blues: five steps

1. Do what you love to do

What is it that you do that makes you lose track of time? It may be dancing, or the cinema. It could be playing a sport, or entertaining. How much of your time do you actually spend doing it? Make a plan to use the winter months to do whatever it is that you really love to do more often than you have before.

2. Physical activity

What can you do to boost your levels of fitness over the coming months? Are there any clubs you could join? It’s easier to keep fit if you are sharing the experience with others. Is there any way you could incorporate some simple stretches into your morning routine? It’s a good way of limbering up for the day and helping it to go better. You start the day with energy, rather than lethargy. This boosts your immune system and will help you to stave off colds and infection.

3. Eat well

The first step is to notice what you’re eating. This is more difficult if you’re eating it as you walk down the street, surf the net or watch TV. What are you eating? How does it make you feel? You might want to keep a food diary. This is a great way to become aware of exactly what it is that you consume. Note the effects the food has on how you feel, your energy levels and your mood. Try to eat more of the foods that boost you. Cut back on those that leave you feeling lethargic and bloated. You’ll soon notice the difference.

4. Do things for other people

What can you do for the vulnerable around you? How well do you know your neighbours? What can you do to improve relations? Doing things for other people can be a chore, but it’s a good way to get you out of yourself and to stop you from dwelling on your problems.

5. Have things to look forward to

Plan to do some of the things you really like doing over the coming months. Is there something you used to enjoy but don’t do any more? What can you do about it? Find others who might enjoy doing it with you.

Use the autumn to make plans for the winter. Imagine a winter full of stimulation and enjoyment. Make a plan to bring it about. And enjoy it!

Ditch the guilt

2006-09-13T10:14:00.000+01:00

A couple of weeks ago my dear sister, Catherine, got married. It was a fantastic wedding, albeit one tinged with sadness as we are saying goodbye to her, at least for a while. Her husband, Noam, is American. They are going to live in New York.

Noam comes from a completely different culture to us. He is Jewish and spent his early years in Jerusalem. We have enjoyed finding more out about his family’s ways of thinking and behaving as we have got to know them. I don’t know if this is a universal Jewish trait, but one of the most refreshing aspects of their character, as I see it in Noam and his family, is their lack of apology for who they are. They also seem to live lives that are free from guilt.

Guilt is such a destructive force. Many of those I coach lead lives that are hampered by it. It shocked me to hear one of my clients tell me recently that he felt guilty that he was happy. He thought he ought to hide his joy for fear of upsetting those around him. How sad! In my experience, we get energy from people who are happy and at ease with themselves. They help us to feel good about the world.

Some people believe that guilt is helpful. They claim that it can be the catalyst to change. I don’t subscribe to that idea. How many people do you know who say they feel guilty each time they eat a cream cake actually stop eating them as a result? If you’ve got a decision to make about something like that, why not either just do it and enjoy it, or not do it? What a waste of effort to do it and feel guilty!

Feelings of regret and sadness about things we’ve done wrong are natural and spur us to be better human beings. By all means, you can look at what you’ve done and its effects and make decisions about what you will do in the future in the light of what you see. But you don’t need to feel guilty about it. Guilt is a form of self-indulgence. Ditch your guilt and build up your resolve. You don’t need guilt to decide to do things differently.

I’ve seen how, despite years of conditioning, it is possible for people to free themselves from guilt. I offer a five-stage process to help you to do this below. I hope that you will be able to do this for yourself. And in the meantime, I wish many years of guilt-free happiness to Catherine and Noam.

Free yourself from guilt

1. Work out the cost

For this step you will need a pen and paper. Make a list of what guilt has cost you. What has it prevented you from doing that you otherwise would have done? In what ways does it hold you back? How has it affected those around you? Try to spell out the costs of your guilt in as much detail as possible.

2. Imagine

For this step, you will need to use your imagination. Try to do this somewhere quite and calm, where you won’t be disturbed. Still yourself. Calm your thoughts. Concentrate on you breathing, then take time to imagine how your life would be different if it were free from guilt. What would you look like if you ditched the guilt? How would you relate to those around you? What sort energy do you give off? Try to see this image in as much colour and detail as possible. Enjoy the vision you have of a life free from guilt, and tell yourself that such a life is possible.

3. Decide

This step is the key step. You have established what the cost to you of guilt has been. You have seen how your life could be different without guilt. Now is the time to make the change. Make a decision that from now on you will live without feeling guilty.

4. Act

You need to get into the habit of acting and behaving in a way that demonstrates to you, and the world, that you have truly dropped the guilt. Stand tall. Believe in yourself. Let your light shine.

5. Keep going

It’s important to be kind to yourself if you find you are slipping back into old ways of thinking and behaving. If you find yourself feeling guilty again, remind yourself of your decision to think and behave differently. Keep on going in the knowledge that it is worth it. Look at the time you’ve had without guilt, and believe that you can have it again.

With practice it is possible to lead a life that is free from guilt. Enjoy the changes that ditching the guilt bring. And let the light of the new guilt-free you shine!

Just one thing...

2006-08-15T07:46:00.000+01:00

The essence of coaching is helping people to find their own way to overcome things that hold them back or limit their potential. This month I’m writing a shorter article. There are no tips. Instead I want to offer you challenge. That is, to answer the question “what one thing could you do (or do differently) that would have the most impact on your life?” Take a few minutes to think about it. You’ll probably find the answer is easier than you think.

Last week I met a client I shall call Pat. He came to me to help him to develop a social life. He’s very successful professionally and has a comfortable, settled home life. However he realises he is quite isolated. When I asked him how he holds himself back, he said that it was his laziness in taking initiatives in his social life. In order to overcome his inertia, he realised that all he needed to do was to pick up the phone. He gave me a list of four friends that he would re-establish contact with in the following week. As a result of our discussion, he got back in touch with them and has overcome the stumbling block that was holding back his confidence to initiate social contact.

Another one of my clients, Brian, is held back by apathy and lack of motivation. He is a freelance designer who is engaged by companies to work on specific projects. When he’s busy with a contract, he has no problem with motivation. It’s when he’s between projects that the apathy sets in. For him, making a decision to do something proactive about looking for work rather than waiting for it to come to him was all it took to overcome his blockage.

I think that we all know ways in which we hold ourselves back or limit our potential. I wager that most of us also know simple ways in which we could do something about it.

This month, why don’t you challenge yourself to find one new thing to do? Or something that you’re going to do differently. What holds you back? Identify what you will do. Decide when you’re going to do it. And do it! May it be an important step on the journey towards leading the life you truly want to lead.

Enjoy the rest of the summer!

Take control of your life

2006-07-25T14:59:00.000+01:00

I’ve just finished working with a client I will call Ray, a salesman whose job takes him all over the home counties. He came to see me in December because he felt that coaching might help him to be a stronger person. He has a good job and loving boyfriend, but had recognised that he was all too easily brought down by his fear of what others might think of him. He thought that coaching might help him to find focus for his life.

Ray and I worked together over a period of 7 months. During that time we met every two weeks. I helped Ray to look at where he wanted to go, and what he could do to get there.

From an early stage, it was clear that Ray was in the habit of putting himself down. He would meekly accept bad behaviour from others for fear of upsetting them should he speak out. This made him angry inside. His anger would come out in inappropriate ways, through cursing at other drivers, for example. Such exchanges got him nowhere, but they allowed him to let off steam.

I supported Ray in taking control of his life firstly by recognising the limits of the things he could do something about. There was nothing he could do about other drivers’ behaviour, for example, but he could do something about his response. Over a period of months, he learnt how not to react negatively to things that in the past would have wound him up. This was empowering. We went on to look at other habits of thought and behaviour that held him back and worked out how to counter-act them.

Ray realised that he was unduly affected by what had happened to him in the past. He found it difficult to let go of things, even if he knew they were bad for him. He expressed what it felt like by talking of being haunted by ghosts from his past.

We also looked at the patterns of thinking that led Ray to become anxious about things. Over a period of months, he learnt to let go of things he could do nothing about, and to concentrate on the things that he had control over. This usually meant doing things, rather than fretting about them. But it also meant looking at his reactions to things, and learning how not to get wound up by them.

It has been a delight to watch Ray blossom over the last few months. I miss our fortnightly sessions, but we are still in email contact. He continues to do well. I’ve used Ray’s story and the following quote with his permission:

“Adam, I have not felt this strong and confident in over ten years. Before we met I felt that I was drifting and had a terrible feeling of being lost inside. I always knew that I had the potential to be the best but found that self destructive habits kept winning. Through your coaching I managed to identify a number of qualities that I didn’t realise I had. I have also learnt to let go of things that don’t matter. I feel that I am now in control of my successes and destiny. The anxiety I used to suffer from has stopped as I can now recognise the reasons why it happened and prevent to the vicious circle. Your coaching has exceeded my expectations. I have left behind the ghosts of the past and evolved into a far kinder person and am much more relaxed. Thank you.”

Five steps to help you to take control of your life

1. Concentrate on things you can do something about

There is no point on wasting energy on fretting about things you can do nothing about. Write a list of all the things that cause you grief or anxiety. For everything on your list, work out the extent to which it’s under your control. Even if there’s nothing you can do about whether something happens, you still have control over your reaction to it. How could you react in a way that empowers you? What would you do differently?

2. Let go of the past

This is easy to say, and much more difficult to do. It’s especially difficult if you’ve been hurt or wronged. But the past is past. What’s done is done. Think about how your life would be different if you freed yourself from the ghosts that haunt you. What would be a good first step to demonstrate to yourself that you were letting go? Once you’ve identified what you could do, decide when you’re going to do it, and do it!

3. Focus on relationships which give you energy

We all know people who drain our spirits. They may be those who make us feel guilty, or who only ring us up to have a moan. You owe it to yourself to change the way you relate to such people. What can you do to protect yourself from their negativity? Who, amongst those you know, helps you to feel good about yourself? How can you increase your contact with them? What can you learn from them? What are you going to do about what you learn?

4. Set yourself goals

Having goals is a vital part of taking control of your life. If this is a new concept to you, start first with goals that you will find it easy to meet. This will boost your confidence, and your sense of being in control of your life. When you’ve tackled the small things, you can move on to the bigger goals such as where your life is going.

5. Be your own cheerleader

So many of those I meet do themselves down. They tell themselves that they’re not good enough, that they’re destined to fail, or to be alone. If you’re prone to negative thoughts, take time to write them down. Then rewrite the script. If you were your own cheerleader, what messages would you be giving yourself? See if you can come up with some punchy encouragement to say to yourself when you’re tempted to do yourself down.

Taking control of your life may be more straightforward than you think. Make those first steps today. If you’d like a free, one-off consultation to help you to take those steps, send me an email on adam@lifecoachuk.biz, or call me on 07947 959869 to arrange it. Believe you can do it, and enjoy the process!

The power of will

2006-06-29T15:17:00.000+01:00

In my years of coaching people, I’ve come to realise that the most powerful tool available to those who want to change their life for the better is the will. I don’t mean will-power, which for me conjures up images of people battling against themselves. I mean the act of will, a decision. As Goethe wrote nearly two hundred years ago, “the moment you definitely commit yourself, Providence moves too. All manner of things occur to help you that would never otherwise have occurred.”

Nick Hornby’s book, How to be good is the story of a woman whose husband changes from jaded cynicism to naïve goodwill overnight. The difference is so stark, and yet to me it’s believable. The husband met someone who encouraged him to change his outlook on life, and he decided to change. Once he had made that decision, he found that his old attitudes and much of his behaviour naturally changed too. This wound his wife up, and baffled his kids. After an initial clumsy fervour, he fell into a natural, comfortable expression of his new self. His easy transition caused problems for his family, but they eventually got used to having a good natured dad, rather than a grump. I’d recommend the book as a good summertime read.

It got me thinking about what happens when people change their mind. I often use creative visualisations in my coaching. I learnt about these from my studies of hypnotherapy. One of the reasons hypnotherapy works so well is that it gives people the chance to change their mind. Once you’re relaxed, you can decide to no longer live with a fear of spiders, say. You imagine yourself in situations which previously would have terrified you, and see yourself looking calm and unafraid. The visualisation reinforces the change of mind, but it is the decision to live without a phobia that previously held you back, that I believe is the most powerful aspect of the process. An act of will.

It’s not easy sometimes, and change may be a sustained process over a period of time, rather than something that always happens in an instant. It may require an act of will every day. Or several times a day. But patience and persistence, often drawing on support, and with that continued act of will, can make your life better and more fulfilling. My partner gave up smoking in an instant, but a friend of mine took years to overcome a sexual compulsion. But both did it. Both by an act of will.

Your will is the most powerful thing you have at your disposal. You can decide to change all manner of aspects of your make up. You don’t have to always be the way you’ve always been. Change is possible. And the first step towards change is a decision. Use the exercise below to help you to make that decision today. An act of will!

Use your will to change your life

1. What holds you back?

Make a list of all the things that stop you from being the person you’ve got it in you to be. Concentrate on the things that are within your control to change, such as your shyness, procrastination, lack of self-confidence or fear of failure. There are some things that you may not be able to change, such as responsibilities to children or parents, but my experience is that most of what holds people back is within their control. The first step is to recognise this.

2. Identify what you want to change

From your list, choose the two or three things that hinder you the most.

3. Use your imagination

Sit somewhere quiet and relax. Concentrate on your breathing if this helps to calm you down. In your mind’s eye, see an image of yourself living without whatever it is that has held you back. How do you seem? In what way do you use your body? How do you move? How do people relate to you? Try to visualise yourself in as much detail as possible. Be aware of colours and textures. This exercise gives you a glimpse of how life can be and leads you on to step four.

4. Decide to change

Make a decision to change the aspects of your life that you’ve been working on. Do this in the confidence that, once you’ve made that decision, “all manner of things will occur to help you that would never otherwise have occurred”. And they will. If you decide to no longer be constrained by your shyness, you’ll enter the room standing taller. People will relate to you completely differently. This will reinforce your decision. The same goes for procrastination. If you decide to get on with things, you will break its spell.

5. Keep on going

At first, your new way of being may feel odd or uncomfortable. But with practice it will become second nature. If you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behaviour or thought, don’t give up. Remind yourself of the decision you made and act in the belief that the changes you’ve already started to see will take root. With time they will, and they will allow you to blossom into a wonderfully developed version of the person you’ve got it in yourself to be.

Change may be easier than you think. You don’t have to be held back by old ways of thinking or behaving. Take the first step today towards growing into the person you’ve got it in you to be! Make an act of will!

Everything happens for a reason?

2006-05-25T17:51:00.000+01:00

I’ve always had difficulties with those who assert that everything happens for a reason. In the late nineties I lived in the city of Izmit in Turkey. One year to the day after I left, an earthquake hit the city. More than 30,000 people were killed. To say to those who were bereaved that everything happens for a reason would at best be insensitive. I think it would be downright cruel. My former colleague, Filiz, lost her sister, brother-in-law and nephew on that night in August 1999. Her young niece emerged unhurt from the rubble and has now been adopted by Filiz. How could I ever say to her that everything happens for a reason?

But I think there is a truth in that assertion, insofar as it relates to our reaction to events. My observation is that those who learn how to react well to the events that life presents to them are the happiest and most resourceful. They tend to take responsibility for their own lives. They may not start out more fortunate than anyone else, but they appear to have more luck. They cope with setbacks and learn from their mistakes. In contrast, those who get angry about the way their life has turned out tend to limit their own effectiveness and end up despondent. Finding your own meaning in things that happen to you is part of learning to cope with them.

Finding this meaning is an art. It can be difficult when you’ve been stuck in a traffic jam for an hour, or your train has unexpectedly ground to a halt between stations. But if you can learn to find reasons, you can turn even the most frustrating circumstances into an opportunity for learning or growth. Yesterday when I was at the supermarket I forgot to buy one of the ingredients I needed for the meal I was cooking that night. By the time I got home the supermarket was closed. I could have got angry at myself for my forgetfulness, but instead I realised that I would have to go to the local shop to pick up what I’d forgotten. When I stepped outside to walk to the shop, it had just rained. The streets smelt so fresh. On the walk I passed two people who gave me lovely smiles. None of these in themselves were life-changing events, but they all helped to affirm my sense of the goodness of being alive.

Part of the skill of turning potentially frustrating things round is to recognise the limits of what you can do. If you are on a broken down train, there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it. However, your attitude to the problem is entirely within your control. You don’t have to get agitated. I contend that your reaction is a choice.

Beware of finding negative reasons for things that happen to you. There is a danger that you can interpret events to confirm negative views about yourself or your life. I think it’s important to turn round negative beliefs about yourself. Don’t assume pessimistic reasons for what happens to you. If your beliefs about your life are healthy, I think you are more likely to perceive something positive in things that happen.

We have to be careful about telling other people that everything that happens to them is for a reason. But you can learn to see life’s events and challenges as an opportunity for growth. In this way, I believe, we can discover our own reasons for everything that happens to us.

Five tips for finding meaning in what happens to you

1. Look at your beliefs

What do you believe about your life? Do you believe you are destined to be unhappy or alone? Or do you believe that you are likely to lead a fulfilled life? What we believe is at the root of a lot of what happens to us. We tend to look for evidence that backs up our beliefs. That’s why it’s important to be honest about yourself about your beliefs. If you believe things that might hold you back, or stop you from being the person you have it in you to be, now is the time to do something about it. You can decide to turn negative beliefs round to positive ones.

2. Accept the limits of what you can do

Don’t waste energy on things you can do nothing about. Getting angry about such things makes you ineffective. Instead, focus on the things that are in your control. This will help you to feel empowered. It will help you to push back the boundaries of what you can do.

3. Keep calm

In order to focus on what you can do in any given situation, it’s important to stay calm. If you find yourself getting wound up, concentrate on your breathing. Focus on slowing your breathing down, and making your breath out slower than your breath in. This will relax you and allow you to think more creatively about the situation you find yourself in.

4. Keep your perspective

What’s happening to you is not the end of the world. You will get over it. It’s more difficult to see this with the tragic events of life, but a sense of perspective helps. If you’re stuck on in a traffic jam or your flight’s cancelled it may seem like a calamity, but with the benefit of hindsight, you’ll see it in perspective. Try to foster that sense of hindsight in the present.

5. Look for solutions

By focusing on what you can do, you engage constructive parts of the brain. Start with a first step. If you’re stuck on a train, for example, how best can you use your time? What reading material do you have with you? Can you call people? Beware of phoning to tell people you’re stuck on a train; this tends to heighten the tension. Instead, is there someone you’ve been meaning to have a chat with whom you can call? Even if you’ve got nothing with you, you can always use your imagination. Use the time you’re stuck to visualise things you could do to make your life better.

Remember, you can learn to react in constructive ways to anything that happens to you. Your life is too precious to waste time and energy on things you can do nothing about. Learn to stay calm, keep your perspective, explore solutions, and you will find that you can turn potentially frustrating situations round to your advantage.

The fruits of passion

2006-04-19T08:40:00.000+01:00

My partner, Tony, got into Cambridge University in part because he played the drums. During his student days he was in a number of bands including the one that supported the Footlights Review. Towards the end of his time at university, Tony met the tutor who had interviewed him for his place there. The tutor said that it was the fact that Tony had mentioned his passion for playing the drums on his application form that grabbed the attention of the assessors. People notice when others are passionate about something.

Passion drives many of the most successful people. It helps them to have the application to push themselves beyond what most would find comfortable. It also makes them more interesting and gives meaning to their lives. Imagine for a moment those you know who are passionate about the sport they play, the music they make, the politics they follow, the work they do.

Many of the people I come across in my work have lost sight of what their passions are. If you don’t know what your passions are, you’ve got no chance of doing anything about them. If you know what they are, but don’t express them, then your life loses depth and colour. My passions are cooking and entertainment, making people feel welcome and helping them to thrive. This last one is what motivates me to work as a life coach. What are yours? What are you going to do about them?

Take time today to think about what your passions are. How could you express them more? Use the five steps below to put together a plan to explore your passions. Let them become more important parts of your life. And enjoy their fruits…

How to help your passions to bear fruit

1. Know what’s important to you

What matters most to you? What issues do you feel most strongly about? What do you most like to do? What gives you energy? Make a list of all the things that are important to you, the things that you value.

2. Identify your passions

This might be easy. You may already know what your passions are. If you don’t, take the list of what’s important to you and identify the things you feel most strongly about. Choose one or two things that could be your passions. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel passionate about them yet. The important thing is to identify one or two things that you are going to develop as passions, and to work on them.

3. Make a plan

We don’t do so many of the things we say we want to do because we never get round to doing them. This is where a plan comes in. Take time to work out how you can express your passions. How much time do you need? What support or equipment do you need? How are you going to come by it? Make your plan realistic. If you know that you can dedicate only two hours per week to something, say, include only two hours in your plan. This will increase the likelihood that you’ll do it and your sense of being in control of things.

4. Follow your plan

Do what you set out to do. If you find yourself getting distracted, remind yourself of the importance of what you are setting out to do. Passionate people are more interesting, more attractive and get more done. Your passions are your passport to a more colourful life.

5. Enjoy them!

Your passions should bring you pleasure. Notice as you grow in confidence and competence as you practise. This should help you to feel yet more passionate about them. Enjoy the process, and see how much fun exploring your passions brings to your life.

Don’t live a life of regret for all the things you could have done but didn’t. Recognise what your passions are and do something about them. Enjoy the process and savour their fruits.

How to win an argument

2006-03-07T08:58:00.000Z

This year marks the 70th anniversary of the publication of Dale Carnegie’s book How to win friends and influence people. It was the first modern self-help book and has never been out of print. If you’ve not seen it before, flick through a copy next time you’re in a bookshop. Just reading the titles of the chapters will give you a good idea of the advice the book contains.

Most of what Carnegie says is obvious when you think about it. He starts with Don’t criticise, condemn or complain and has chapters on the importance of smiling, and on helping others to save face. The most challenging chapter, to my mind, is The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

For many of us arguments are a way of life. I think I’m with Dale Carnegie in believing that it’s better to prevent an argument than win one. The satisfaction of winning an argument is, I fear, short-lived. It can lead to resentment on the part of the loser and cost the winner, too. When arguing we often get agitated. If we’re worked up, we’re not capable of using the parts of our brain that help us with subtleties of thought; we’re in fight or flight mode. By avoiding an argument we keep open channels of communication and make a creative outcome to a given situation more likely.

I outline my five tips for preventing arguments below. I’d be delighted to hear what you think of them.

Next time you find yourself slipping towards an argument with someone, make an effort to prevent it. See what happens. I’m sure you’ll be surprised at the result.

Wining arguments by preventing them

1. Take a deep breath

If you find yourself getting wound up, the chances are that your adrenaline is flowing. When adrenaline starts to flow, your heart speeds up and your breathing becomes shallow. Forcing yourself to breathe more deeply has a calming effect on your body. Try breathing in for a count of 7 and out for a count of 11. Controlling your breathing is the starting point for many relaxation techniques. Keeping your body relaxed will help you to stay calm. This allows you to think with a greater degree of subtlety and clarity, and thus avoid getting drawn into conflict.

2. Move away

Many arguments are totally avoidable. You can learn to prevent yourself from getting wound up by a given situation. The simplest thing to do if this is your aim is to distance yourself from them. If somebody is making you feel hot under the collar, move away from them.

3. Be big

I’ve seen for myself how powerful it is to curb my natural desire for defensiveness when someone criticises me. I often feel my heckles rising, especially if I think the criticism is unfair. But I’ve learnt to school my reactions. I let people have their say. Silence in the face of criticism is very powerful. It’s amazing how quickly it leads to the criticiser running out of steam. If you can take it, be big. Don’t respond when a person is obviously wound up. Instead, hear them out and let them wind down. When they’re calm again, they are capable of hearing you. I’m amazed how often, when people are calm, they can hear the things that would have fuelled an argument had I said them a few minutes’ earlier. Have a go next time you find yourself on the receiving end of criticism.

4. Remember the big picture

When you get drawn into an argument, your perspective goes out the window. You’re prone to pick on things that in less frenzied times you’d dismiss as irrelevant. I find it helpful to remember the big picture, and not to allow myself to concentrate solely on the specifics of this particular argument. Instead, I try to focus on the bigger and more positive things I want out of a given situation. This helps me to stop myself getting drawn into pointless point scoring.

5. Be friendly

You can communicate friendliness by how you hold your body. Uncross your arms. Move away slightly so that you’re not infringing the other person’s space. Smile. Try it, and see what happens.

We expend so much energy on arguments that are ultimately fruitless. You can learn to school your reactions so that you don’t get drawn into point scoring and recrimination. Winning friends and influencing people is just as important now as it was in 1936. See for yourself what happens when you make an effort to do just that.

Practise happiness

2006-02-15T18:49:00.000Z

I spend a lot of time reading self-help books. Most of them are toe-curlingly nauseating. They tend towards platitude and often contain a lot of jargon. But there are sometimes some nuggets of wisdom buried in the dross. One of the books I persevered with was written by John Gray, of “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” fame. He has written a book called “How to get what you want and want what you have”. It may sound odd to British ears, but it has some good stuff in it.

Gray’s thesis is that getting what you want doesn’t make you happy. Getting what you want and being happy are two separate issues. He believes that unhappiness is a lack of inner joy. It has nothing to do with our external condition. This is borne out in the experiences of countless men and women who live lives filled with joy in the most adverse conditions. The flip side of this is the people who have everything and are still miserable.

Bengt Brülde, lecturer in practical philosophy at Gothenburg University in Sweden, studies happiness and the meaning of life. His team of researchers has been interviewing people from all over the world to find out what makes them fulfilled. They have found that it is the striving for a goal, rather than attainment of it, that gives people satisfaction. This accords with earlier work on happiness that suggests that winning the lottery or achieving a goal gives us a temporary high, but that the effects are not sustained.

John Gray says “Getting what you want can only make you happy to the degree that you are already happy”. He says that when you are already happy inside, the process of striving for things creates joy, love, confidence and peace.

So the challenge for us is to work on the process of being happy first of all, and then to engage in whatever projects we may have for the future. I outline my five steps to help you to practise your happiness below. I would be very happy to talk to you through how to apply these tips. Call me on 07947 959869 to arrange your free initial consultation.

Don’t kid yourself by thinking “if only I had a boyfriend/better job/more understanding partner/better body I would be happy”. Instead, work on being happy where and how you are. If you do this, the process of striving for what you want will be so much more fun. And you’re more likely to get it!

Practising happiness

1. Exercise

Taking exercise is key to happiness. It releases endorphins which give you a natural high and is the best cure for lethargy, a contributing factor in a lot of depression. Exercise doesn’t have to be arduous. Just walking for 20 minutes a day will have a beneficial effect on your health, and on your mood. If possible, try to do things that involve you being outside. This is more beneficial in terms of your connection with the world than exercising in your own little bubble. Team activities are also great for helping to bring us out of ourselves. If you’re prone to melancholy, try joining a dance class or sports team. Make a plan to exercise at least three times a week.

2. Find meaning

What matters most to you? What do you believe in? Take a few minutes to list the things that you value most in life. Remind yourself of them every day, and make an effort to do something about them. For example, if you believe in caring for the environment, what can you do to make your street a more pleasant place to live? Is there a local conservation volunteer group? If that’s too much of a commitment, why not pick up one piece of litter every time you come back home. The important thing is to do something that connects you with the values you hold dear.

3. Strive for things

It’s important to stretch yourself. What can you do to make the things you do every day more of a challenge? Most of us have had times when our jobs have been dull. The challenge at such times is to set ourselves goals so that we’re learning from the experience and growing from it. What are you going to do to find personal challenge in your day-to-day activities? There are always things to learn, if you have an open mind.

4. Celebrate

In Sri Lanka they have a festival every time there’s a new moon. That means that there’s a public holiday every 28 days. Not good news for business, perhaps, but what a great reason to have a party! Try to find things to celebrate. Don’t let a birthday go by with bleats about getting older. Gather some friends round you and mark the fact that you’ve reached another milestone in your life. Celebrate the coming of spring. Notice the bulbs coming up and the buds coming out. Rejoice in them!

5. Count your blessings

I start every day by counting my blessings. It’s the first thing I do and sets me up so well for the day ahead. If you believe in a god, thank that god that you are alive, that you have made it through the night, that you have a home. If you believe in something else, or nothing in particular, then thank Life, or the stars, or something…! Life is a gift. Be grateful for it. And live it, to the full!

I believe that happiness is within the grasp of all of us. Do something today to make your life a happier one!

The greatest love of all

2006-02-03T08:28:00.000Z

Valentine’s Day isn’t just about sweethearts. As Witney Houston sang all those years ago, learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. Below I outline my five steps to loving yourself more this Valentine’s Day.

1. Value yourself

Make a list of all the things that make you who you are. What makes you special? What gives you your character? You may have some interesting hobbies, or the story of your life might be one of survival against the odds. Write down all the things you can think of that mark you out. And value them. I meet so many people who take their stories for granted. They don’t see that the fact that they have got to where they are shows strength and determination. When you’ve got your list, pick your top three characteristics. For each, write a positive affirmation that starts with the words “I value myself because”. It could be “I value myself because I work hard”, “I value myself because I overcame my family’s disapproval of who I am to celebrate being a gay man” or even “I value myself because I am kind”. Write three affirmations and repeat them to yourself as often as you can.

2. Be positive

No matter what happens in life, you control your attitude to it. You can choose to see events as confirmation that you are destined to fail and to be unhappy. Or you can choose to see the same events as spurs to hasten you on the path to greater success and fulfilment. It’s all about your attitude. Listen to what you tell yourself. Are you telling yourself that you’re a failure, that you don’t deserve to be loved? If so, decide to rewrite the script. Make a list of the thoughts and beliefs you have about your life that hold you back. Rewrite them as positive beliefs. You can decide to change that inner voice in your head that says “I don’t deserve to be loved” to “I deserve to be loved”. “I’m never going to succeed” can become “I will succeed”. Catch yourself whenever you have a negative thought and consciously replace it with a positive one. My experience is that, with practice, this will become a habit that will help you to flourish.

3. Believe in yourself

Believing in yourself moves you closer to valuing yourself and being positive. What are you good at? What can you do well? I met a client who told me he was no good at anything, and yet he’d completed a degree and learnt to speak several languages fluently, despite great problems with his family. Make a list of what you’re good at. Believe in your own abilities.

4. Take control of your life

The happiest people I know are those who have taken responsibility for their own lives. They don’t blame others for who they are. It is such a waste of energy to rail at the world, your family or the gods. Instead, accept where you are and take responsibility for changing it. If your job drives you up the wall, what are you doing about it? What steps are you taking to find another one? What is your attitude to the tasks you have to perform? Do you do them grudgingly, or do you do them to the best of your ability? Even dead-end jobs can be opportunities for growth and learning if you decide to use them in that way. Nobody else can make you happy, healthier or more fulfilled. Catch yourself if you are tempted to blame others and take control. You will see the results.

5. Take action

Steps one to four all lead to this point. What are you going to do to change your life for the better? How would your life be different if you really did love yourself? What are the steps you need to take to bring this about? It’s important to start with small things, things that will give you a greater sense of being in control. You could look for ways to make your work more of a challenge. For example you could decide to offer a smile to those you meet today, or to be civil to that colleague you loathe. The important thing is to do something. As you take action, your sense of being in control of your life will grow and you’ll deepen your belief in your abilities. You will find it easier to have a positive attitude and value yourself. And before you know it, you will have learnt the secret of Witney’s greatest love.

Confidence tricks

2006-01-20T09:12:00.000Z

One of the most common issues I deal with in my work as a coach is helping people to be more confident. Lack of confidence holds so many of us back. It often stops us from living the life that, deep down, we know we’d like to lead.

The good news is that you can learn to be more confident. It is a skill that you can develop. Like all skills, it needs practice. But it is within our grasp. I believe greater confidence is something that we can all learn to achieve.

My approach to helping to boost people’s confidence is influenced by something I read in Matthew Parris’s autobiography, Chance Witness. He was talking about an incident when he was at school. Something happened that required an act of bravery of one of the boys. The young Matthew was as frightened as everyone else, but stepped up to the challenge. Afterwards everyone said how brave he’d been. He wrote that he didn’t feel brave at the time, but “by acting as if I was brave, I became brave”.

A similar approach works particularly well with confidence. If you act as if you are confident, you become confident. Try it, and see for yourself.

Below I outline some of the things you can do boost your confidence. I would be very happy to talk to you about applying these tips. Call me on 07947 959869 to arrange your free initial consultation.

You can learn to be more confident and outgoing. There’s no need to be held back. Take your first steps today, and see the difference that living with confidence makes to your life.

1. Stand tall

Have you noticed how confident people tend to have a larger than life presence? And those who apologise for themselves tend to shrink away? To project a more confident image, stand tall. Feel the ground through your feet. Hold your head up high and look around.

2. Eye contact

Timid people tend to avoid others’ eyes. Once you are standing up tall, you will find it easier to look into people’s eyes. Make your eye contact friendly. You’ll be surprised how often this invites a smile.

3. Believe in yourself

Value what makes you unique. What gives you energy? What are your passions? Believe in these aspects of yourself. Be enthusiastic about them. This will make you more confident, and more interesting.

4. Let go of the past

Through your life to date you may have picked up all sorts of messages that you’ve interpreted to mean that you’re not worthy, that you’re boring, that you should apologise for who you are. Decide not to be constrained by such ways of thinking any more. My experience is that we can decide to change the way we think and behave. We don’t have to continue to act in the same way. How would your life be different if you let go of all those experiences and beliefs that hold you back? Have a go at letting go. And do it today. Life’s too short to live it in the shadows.

5. Believe

Belief is the essence of all change. What distinguishes successful people from the rest is the fact that they believe in themselves. Even if you don’t believe, act as if you did believe. What would you do if you really believed you were more confident? How would it change your behaviour? Don’t waste another day. Have a go at putting it into practice and see the difference it can make.

You can learn to be more confident. Try pretending to be more confident. Do it in front of a mirror if it helps. Then take your new creation out into the world. You can do it, and your life will be happier as a result.

Feeling good about yourself

2006-01-10T17:05:00.000Z

Feeling good about yourself is a sure-fire way to increase your attractiveness. We are all attracted to people who like themselves. We are drawn to them because they help us to feel better about ourselves and to see the world as a kinder, more enjoyable place. I outline below my five steps to feeling good about yourself.

1. Value yourself

What makes you special? What skills, strengths and talents do you have? Try to think widely here. You may take some of these for granted. If you can cook, make people laugh or are a good listener, these are all talents that you should value. They help to make you unique, the special person that you have it in you to be. Write down a list of all the positive things that make you you, and celebrate them.

2. Engage with the world

How often have you heard people telling others to get a life? We all know that too much TV or time online saps our spirit and energy, but on these cold winter nights, they provide easy comfort. The internet, especially, can provide us with the illusion of being connected to other people, but how real are the relationships you have there? You will feel so much better about yourself if you engage with those around you. Try to do at least one thing a week for other people. This could be something as simple as talking to your elderly neighbour or as potentially life-changing as volunteering to do something for your community. Engaging with the world, and doing things for other people help to make us feel better about ourselves and make us more interesting people.

3. Be positive

There are times when sarcasm and cynicism can be useful safety valves, but as a rule they eat away at us. We all know how attractive positive people are. They make us feel good about life, that things are worth it. Have a look at your attitudes to things. What are your expectations before you embark on something? If you go into a given situation believing that it will go well, your brain will be alert to the signals to confirm you in your belief. If, however, you are expecting it to go badly, you will pick up signs to support this, thus making a bad outcome more likely. If you find yourself thinking negatively, catch yourself. Consciously turn the negative thought round to a positive one. Even if it’s hard to believe, tell yourself that things can and will go well. You’ll be surprised at the result.

4. Act confidently

Few people claim to be confident. But the good news is that confidence can be learnt. Think about those you know who appear confident. What is it about them that makes you think they are confident? How do they dress? How do they hold themselves? How do they speak? What could you learn from them? Enthusiasm, energy and posture all contribute to the appearance of confidence. If you want to appear confident, stand up tall, look people in the eye and smile. Even if you don’t feel confident, if you act as if you are confident you will see your confidence levels rise. Another way to boost your confidence is to improve your competence at something. Have a look at the things you identified as your skills, strengths and talents above. Which of these could you become really good at? When you know what you’re talking about, your confidence naturally increases.

5. Smile

I cannot over-emphasise the importance of smiling. Our face tells the world what’s going on inside. How we feel is reflected there. And we are drawn to happy people. As with confidence, we can decide to present a happy image to the world. Whether you’re feeling up or down, if you can manage to smile, it changes things. This is especially true if you are out and about. It is incredible how many people who appear frosty or even aggressive respond so positively to a smile. And when they smile back, it can make your day!

You can learn to feel good about yourself. As with anything new, it takes practice. The first move is the decision to do something. Engage your will in this exciting new venture: a happy, confident, attractive you. Believe you can do it and enjoy the results!

The end is the beginning

2005-12-21T09:53:00.000Z

My approach to New Year’s resolutions is to forget about the first of January. Instead of focusing on what I want to do at the beginning of the year, I find it much more powerful to look at how I’d like my life to be different by the end of the year. How would I like things to be on 31 December 2006? What are the steps I should take to get there? What are the milestones along the way?

It’s all part of beginning with the end in mind. I think this is a fantastic approach to life. If we all thought about how we were going to conclude things before we started them, we would save ourselves a lot of grief. On an international level the mess in Iraq seems to stem, in part, from leaders not thinking through the consequences of their actions.

I outline a five-step guide to New Year’s resolutions below.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas. May 2006 be a year of hope for us all.

Make time over the next few days to think about how you’d like your life to be in one year’s time. Work out what you need to do to get there. Believe you can do it, and enjoy the journey!

New Year’s resolutions

1. What are the areas of your life you’d like to be different?

Where are you in your relationships? How are things with those closest to you? How could they be different? What can you do to help bring changes about? How are things at work? How could they be different? What about your health? And the way you use your time? Be bold in the way you look at things. If you were really true to yourself, what would that mean in practical terms for your life?

2. Plan your year

Bearing in mind what you’ve come up with, what are the steps you need to take along the way to get there? If you want to be in a loving relationship by the end of the year, what should you be doing in January to help bring this about? If you’d like to be 5 kilos lighter next Christmas, what should you weigh by June? If you’d like to have a new job, how should you be using your free time in the spring?

3. Be clear

Sometimes it’s easier to hide behind general statements such as I want my flat to be tidier. If you want to have a tidier home by the end of 2006, what, specifically, do you need to do? Make a list of all the things you need clear up. There may be papers in your living room, magazines you’ve been meaning to read and foodstuffs you never use. Be clear about what you’re going to do and when you’ll do it. This is more challenging, but you’re much more likely to succeed.

4. Believe

Believe you can do it. Make yourself comfortable, relax and imagine your life as you’d like it to be. What does it look like? How does it feel? How do you look? Seeing these things in your imagination helps you to bring them about. If you expect to succeed, your subconscious will be alert to the signals that confirm you in this expectation, thus reinforcing the likelihood of a positive outcome.

5. Learn from your mistakes

Don’t see your set backs as failure. You can always learn from them. If you’ve managed to have three weeks without smoking, for example, and then find yourself smoking at a party, don’t depress yourself with the thought that you’re back at square one. You had those three weeks as a non-smoker. What did you do during that time that helped you not to smoke? What could you do to lessen the likelihood of smoking again when next you find yourself at a party? Opinions differ as to how many attempts Thomas Edison took to make the prototype light bulb. Some say he had 200 attempts, some 500, some 700. The important thing was his attitude. He persevered. When asked how he managed to keep on going after so many failures, he reportedly said “I didn’t fail; I just discovered 700 ways how not to do it.”

Use a few hours over the next few days to think about your life and where you are going. Make 2006 different and enjoy the changes!

Living in the moment

2005-12-19T09:36:00.000Z

Back in August I wrote about living in the moment. I was inspired to write by my experience of playing backgammon while on holiday with my partner, Tony, in Scotland. This piece prompted all sorts of comments, many to do with the game of backgammon.

There are all sorts of gems in Louis de Bernieres’ excellent book Birds without wings. It’s set in a town on the south coast of Turkey in the early years of the 20th century, as the Ottoman Empire is crumbling and Turkey is slipping into civil war. De Bernieres has some wonderful observations about the rise of nationalism, and about religion, in what is a gripping, but tragic story. He writes about the two gendarmes who play backgammon all day every day in the village square. He says “Backgammon is a game in which the first half consists of skill, and the second half of luck, so it appeals to both the cunning and the reckless, but it is always skill that wins.” My point was that in backgammon, you can’t decide what you are going to do until you’ve thrown the dice. We could avoid much unnecessary heartache if we lived life like this. We can, and should plan. This is like the skill of setting up the pieces in a game of backgammon to put yourself in the most advantageous position. But there is a limit to how much planning we can do. So much of life depends on things which are outside our control. Ultimately we always have to see how the dice fall before we work out what to do next.

Smiling at strangers

2005-12-14T08:30:00.000Z

It’s always good to get feedback. In recent months I’ve had most comments two of my articles, Living in the moment and Be Happy. I will publish my thoughts about Living in the moment next week. I deal here with the comments I received about Be Happy.

In Be Happy, I included ten tips for happiness. It was one of these, smiling at strangers, that provoked the most response. One of my correspondents told me that she had discussed the idea of smiling at strangers with her husband. He couldn’t understand what could possibly be gained through smiling at someone you don’t know. Her response was that you never knew what was going on in other peoples’ lives. A smile might be just what someone needs to help them through a difficult time.My perspective is different. I think we should smile at strangers, not because it might be good for them, but because it’s good for us. It helps to take us out of ourselves, to connect us with the world around us. My correspondent’s husband suffers from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), a form of depression that affects people during dark winter months. It’s thought to be linked to the lack of daylight. Studies have shown that spending a few minutes each day in front of a lightbox can help to lift the mood of those affected. I believe that my friend’s husband treats himself in this way.While it’s too simplistic to suggest that there’s a link, I wonder whether this man would find that he was less prone to depression if he engaged more with those around him. My experience is that those who look out, and reach out tend to be happier. Have a go at smiling at a stranger today and see what happens.

Be happy

2005-11-19T08:48:00.000Z

Slough usually gets a bad press. Its prominence has been increased in recent years by the success of The Office. An experiment that has been run in Slough over the last few months caught my eye. A team of researchers are trying to find out what makes people happy. They have a list of ten simple measures to help people to lead happier, more meaningful lives. 50 volunteers are putting them into practice over several months. The researchers are monitoring the effect of the measures on the happiness of those involved in the experiment. They are also looking at the effect it has on overall levels of happiness in the town. The experiment is the subject of a four-part series that started on BBC2 last Tuesday night.

We have yet to find out what the effect has been on the inhabitants of Slough, but I would imagine that if the volunteers entered into the spirit of the experiment, they will find their lives enriched as a result. Here’s the researchers’ ten-point guide to happiness.

Plant something and nurture it
Count your blessings - at least five - at the end of each day
Take time to talk - have an hour-long conversation with a loved one each week
Phone a friend whom you have not spoken to for a while and arrange to meet up
Give yourself a treat every day and take the time to really enjoy it
Have a good laugh at least once a day
Get physical - exercise for half an hour three times a week
Smile at and/or say hello to a stranger at least once each day
Cut your TV viewing by half
Spread some kindness - do a good turn for someone every day

Why don’t you have a go at the experiment yourself? I outline how to put these measures into effect in my exercise below. Feel free to call me on 07947 959869 if you would like some help in implementing them. Remember, I offer a free initial consultation.

Spend a few minutes thinking about your own level of happiness. Which things on the list above could you do? Have a go, and enjoy the results!

Be happy: five steps

1. Review your own life

Have a look at your own life. How many of the things on the list do you do now?

2. Chose one measure from the list

Start with the measure that grabs your eye the most. Of those that you don’t do, which appeals to you most? Have a go at putting it into practice. Set a date to review the effect. This could be after three days, five days or a week.

3. Review the effects

How has doing this thing affected you? What has been the effect on your levels of happiness? How has it affected those around you?

4. Choose another measure from the list

Choose another action from the list to implement. Do it, and again, set a time to review the effects.

5. Feedback

Keep going through the list until you’ve tried the lot. Why not try one a week for the next ten weeks? I’d be interested to hear from you about the results. If you want I will forward them to the team running the experiment.

No-one else can take responsibility for your happiness. Use the simple measures on the list to lead a happier, more meaningful life.